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How to not hurt feelings...
My father and stepmother married when I was 8 years old. Stepmother has a VERY large family that over the years I have considered my own as I do not care for my biological mom or dad's family. One woman who I will refer to as Aunt M has a 28 year old daughter. One thing you should know right off the bat is that Aunt M is not related to my stepmother but is sooo extremely close to my family that my stepmother was the godmother of her daughter and they joke that their "adopted sisters". I love Aunt M dearly. She has always been there for me - she helped me find my first job, she gave me her old car as my first car, etc. The problem is that she hosts Christmas morning every year at her home and I don't want to go to it now that I'm married. Growing up, the idea was that all the adults would go and get the joy out of seeing my "cousin's" santa presents. I enjoyed the time but now that I'm older I feel that we've outgrown the tradition. My husband and I don't currently have children but he wants us to definately stop the tradition and stay at home with our own future children once they arrive (would actually prefer to stop if now if he had the choice). I hate the fact that my stepmother's family gets together 4 times over the holidays (but Christmas morning would be the only time with Aunt M and about 5 other people). In addition to staying at home with our future children, I feel the expense is just ridiculous. Here's the solutions I have come up with to help with both areas....OPTION 1 - Find a way to skip Christmas morning and stop doing presents with Aunt M and family but attend other gatherings.This would involve possibly hurting Aunt M. OPTION 2 - Skip 2 other gatherings and attend Aunt M's and another with my stepmom's immediate family. OPTION 3 - Continue all gatherings and accept them as traditions until the "adults" decide to stop hosting (they are seniors after all). This would involve going against my husband and possibly hurting his feelings. OPTION 4 - Continue with Christmas and possibly hurt husband's feelings but compromise by skipping all birthday gift giving and receiving.
What do you think? Any additional suggestions or voting for options? My husband and I would like to conceive in the next year. I don't want to upset anyone but I don't really see the reason for attending now that everyone is grown and it involves both Aunt M's biological family, Uncle's biological family, and stepmom's family.
Re: How to not hurt feelings...
The easiest way out is to have a child and say that you want to start your own family traditions.
Since you do not have any I would simply decline going. Someone's feelings are going to get hurt no matter which way you go. Stop trying to keep everyone happy. And, I think that if someone somewhere is going to get hurt no matter what - don't let it be your husband.
You two can start your own traditions as a couple too on Christmas day. It's quite fun actually
DH and I are having fun coming up with ideas that will be "our tradition" lol. Good luck!
The thing is - you're married. Your DH and his feelings come first here, not your aunt's. So.... keep that in mind.
Past that, I wouldn't wait until you have kids to start making changes. There are other valid reasons to change things up than just "kids".
My suggestion is this year, find a way to gently put it out there that now that you're married and you have to juggle your DH's family too - you won't be able to attend all the events, including Christmas morning.
You actually don't have to give any more details than that. If you're asked about "What are you doing instead?", remember that you dont' HAVE to explain, but at the same time "DH and I want to spend Christmas morning together at home" is a perfectly 100% acceptable reason. Your aunt may come back w/ a million arguements. SUre, acknowledge that changing traditions is difficult, and aknowledge her feelings - but it's not about ASKING for her permission, and it's not about defending your choices.
And lastly- you may very well "hurt her feelings", but that's on her. Not you. And you can't live your life and decisions around this. Again - your DH matters more here.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I just want to reiterate what everyone else said. Remember this is your holiday too and you both are more than just puppets for others to enjoy themselves. IF you don't want to go to your Aunt's house, you don't have to. You truly can do whatever you want. You can start your own traditions at home, you can go on a vacation to the Bahamas, or you can sit at home, watch TV and eat chinese food. You can do whatever you want.
Also, you made vows to your husband to forsake all others, all others includes your Aunt and yes his feelings matter more than hers. Now she is allowed to be sad and disappointed that you won't be able to attend, that is ok. The world won't fall apart if your aunt is disappointed. You just have to accept that.