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Wish I was eloping...(venting)
No matter what I do, I just cannot get excited about my wedding. I feel like my wedding is for everyone else, not for myself. I wanted to elope on a beach. I'm getting a destination beach wedding with 50 people and a huge party back home for 250-300 people. This was my compromise with my Fiance and our families. As much as I didn't want to plan a wedding to begin with I am spending every day searching online and shopping for things for both the wedding and party. If I have to do something then I am going to do it right. This means a lot of work without a lot of help.
But my issue is my FMIL. This lady has caused issues at all 3 of her sons weddings.( and the baby showers). And she is now working on causing drama at her 4th sons wedding,our wedding. First of all she has bitched behind our backs to other family members that we are having a destination wedding. She must be back in time to watch her grandson on Monday. Its too expensive (We are paying for our parents rooms for the week, but they are choosing not to come down until Thur.) Now she is bitching and complaining she doesn't feel included in our wedding planning.yeah, the wedding she doesn't really care to go to.And if i asked her to do something chances are she would complain about my choice or would suddenly be unable to do it, she has been invited to go to two different wedding shower planning events with my bridesmaids and myself and she hasn't attended. And everyone keeps telling me i should go spend time with her and try and include her. But i refuse to accommodate her like everyone else always has done. I will treat her with respect and kindness, but I'm not going to cater to this behavior from her. I think she was hoping that since my mom was dead that i would be more "come do this with me and that with me". Its hard enough planning a wedding and wishing my mom was here,but i don't need this drama.
Any ideas on how to make my FMIL feel included without me losing my mind? I've asked my Fiance he says we should just spend time with her, but with everything she has done I just can't see spending more then 10min with her. Sorry for all the venting just had to get it off my mind.
The thing I am looking forward to most about my wedding is for it to be done. Any ideas on how to get excited about my wedding?
Re: Wish I was eloping...(venting)
It's your wedding, do what you want to do. But everything has a consequence, and in this case - acting as though it's such a pain to plan a wedding that your families can witness is going to cause some bad feelings among people who care about you and your FI.
But the party afterwards? Yeah - if you don't want it, grow a backbone and tell whoever is pushing you that you don't want it and refuse to plan it. I don't blame you one bit there.
Hire a wedding / party planner for the party back home. Plenty of people do this, and if you tell vendors "we're getting married in (destination name), but we wanted to have a party for the people who couldn't make it...." it will be a lot cheaper than a wedding.
And ignore your FMIL. She complains all of the time, but she doesn't have the backbone to say anything to your face. You also know she is not really interested in planning.
I disagree with the PP. I do think your wedding is about you and your FI and no one else.
I think it's fine that you're having a destination wedding. You need to ignore your FMIL's grumbling. Where is you FI in all this? He should be the one dealing with his mother anyway. Have him man up and tell her to cut it out.
As for the party afterwards, if you don't want a 300 person party then don't have one. Otherwise, just suck it up.
Are they paying for some of the wedding?
First off, don't be discouraged and not get excited about your wedding because it wasn't your first choice of what you wanted to do. Marriage is about compromises... so here, it begins.
Get excited! This is YOUR wedding and YOUR day- you will regret it more if you are miserable through the planning and the day, than if you accept what is ahead of you and make it a blast. That is up to you.
When I was remarried, I was against the big wedding and all the hooplah... I'd had it before. BUT- DH hadn't and was very excited to have his family and everyone there and the whole big to-do. Well, I couldn't be happier that we did. As I think back, I'm glad that DH and I now have all those memories of our amazing day together.
Try not to overlook what's really important and that is you and your DH celebrating your love. MILs can always be a PITA when it comes to planning anything. The fact that she's done this before 3 times... I wouldn't bend over backwards trying to accommodate her! You've invited her a couple times already and she declined. Oh well. She should grow up- it's not about her. And the fact that she can't make other arrangements to get back by Monday to babysit is absurd! That again, is just her being a PAIN! I would just keep inviting her to the things that she could take part in, and if she declines, oh well- that's on her.
Maybe you could clip ideas for anything- dresses, flowers, whatever you have left to plan, and you and FI take her to lunch or have her over for dinner and bombard her with clippings. Ask her opinion, agree, smile and then do what you want. You can only try so hard to include her. And please- get excited! You don't want to regret not enjoying this every step of the way! Good Luck!!
My Home Bio
Where is your FI in all this? IS he trying to keep his mother happy? Does he want more hoopla?
I am on Team Elope.
This is an important question.
Things got a lot easer for me when I came to grips with the fact that the wedding was NOT about me and my FI but about everyone else. DH and I just laughed about it being "our day" the month before the wedding when we hit the home strectch to getting it all done and settled. By then, we had bought our house, I had moved and started a fab new job. The wedding was ::one day:: in our lifetime together. When I stopped making it the battleground for either mother, I enjoyed it a lot more. You're hearing a lot of nonsense from a lot of people who SHOULDN'T be reporting this back to you. What does your MIL want? Can you give it to her? If yes, then give it. if no, then stop feeling bad about it.
I think you are handling it right by not catering to her every whim. It sounds like she is being impossible anyway so if there's no pleasing her, don't start the trend of constantly trying to! But I do think it would be a mistake to avoid spending time with her if that's what FI thinks is best. I think if you have clearly invited her to be included several times and she has declined, it's not necessary to keep on with the invites. Would you do that for a friend who never accepts your invite? Eventually I would stop inviting.
The wedding is about you and your FI and celebrating this exciting new chapter with the people that mean the most to you. If drama persists, when the big day comes you just have to check it at the door and focus on the FI. And for me, the reception was the best part. Make it fun! Whatever that means for you, and let others participate as much or as little as they would like. For us that meant a great DJ (my fav aunt) and tons of dancing (and beer). Fifty percent joined us on the dance floor, the others were happy to visit amongst themselves at the tables, or straggled out as the night progressed. We had a blast and we were told by many guests that it was the most fun they had ever had at a wedding (maybe just being polite?). Make it about celebrating the way you see fit & enjoy every minute of it!