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Is it common...(PTS question) updated
So, I went to the counselor last week, and was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress from my sexual assault. It's the first time I've really confronted it, and it's hitting me hard.
What it's coming down to is that I'm angry with myself for letting it happen. I'm angry with myself for not holding XH accountable legally and just continuing on for two years as if nothing happened. And I'm angry with myself for waiting two years to confront what happened to me emotionally. Basically, I'm angry with myself for being a victim.
Is this common? Right now, I'll confess that it's frustrating the ever-living hell out of me, and I'm a bit emotional and apologizing for things that I have zero control over.
Update: I realized that one of my triggers is contact with XH, which I'm having to do because of the sale of the house. I emailed him today telling him to direct all contact to the real estate agent (really, we've set a price and a time frame, so there's no reason for him to contact me at all at this point in the game) unless absolutely necessary. I finally felt like I was taking some kind of charge of things, and it's a relief knowing that I do not have to deal with him again.
Re: Is it common...(PTS question) updated
Yes it is quite common. I think most of us who were in abusive marriages had some form of PTS after their marriage dissolved.
Before I married XH, I was involved in a case of sexual assult. I did not know the man and was set up by a now ex friend. I was half asleep and let him in my room thinking he was grabbing a few of her things (why her stuff was in there to begin with I still have no idea) I got back in bed because I was still half asleep and before I knew he was on top with his hand around my throat holding me down. I think if I hadn't cried or begged him to get off me and fought back he would have raped me. In my case I kept reliving it and was scared to go in places he had mentioned hanging out on a regular basis. Especially since he got off on charges since there were no previous reports and my friend testified against me to cover up messing with him at his age(we were 21/20 and he was 35 but he had lied and was really 44).
There are many different phases you go through anger, sadness and even try justifying actions. It will get better. My ordeal happened 6 years ago and I learned from the experience. Before that night I was not very cautious about where I went, watching my surroundings and being more alert.
I'm not a mental health professional, but I would wager to say that yes, what you're feeling is normal--especially if you are a highly functioning, successful person--I'm sure you're thinking this would never have happened to someone like you. The problem is, it was an irrational and psychotic thing that happened to you, so there's no way to deal w/ it with reason.
Allow yourself time to wrap your head and emotions around this traumatic event. You will get through it. Do not beat yourself up for having feelings about it--I would journal them and make note of any triggers that bring the feelings on, then look back and see if there is a common link.
Above all, the assault was not your fault. Period.
Based on what I know about this, it's totally normal. I'm not sure if you remember me or my story, but my abusive boyfriend in high school (who was 4 years older than me) repeatedly forced himself on me despite my protests, and I stayed with him for a little over a year. I never said anything to anyone. I never told my parents. I never even told my friends because I was ashamed and felt like I "asked for it" by being in a relationship. So for a long time, I pretending like nothing happened, and did self destructive things because I hated myself and didn't know how to cope. There is a lot of 16-18 that I still can't remember, and much later (after a year of flashbacks and panic attacks and bad choices that felt irrational) my therapist suggested I had PTS as well.
The point is, I think being angry at yourself is normal, but I think you're doing the right thing by confronting what happened and allowing yourself to grieve and go through all the emotions one feels after a trauma. It's so important to be a good friend to yourself and to cut yourself some slack. I know you're probably not at a place where forgiveness is possible, but I think the most important step in this process is self-forgiveness. At least for me, logically I know I was a victim, but to be able to actually internalize forgiveness is something I'm still working on. Good luck!