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Moms of boys
Okay, life is a bit different with DS. He is very smart and quick to pick things up but stubborn as they come. If it is not on his terms, it is not at all. In fact, he will say "No" to DD saying she loves him.
A lot of that is just being 2 and going through the whole testing thing. But it is getting difficult garnering his cooperation in eating or changing clothes or cleaning up despite obvious consequences. Time out doesn't work too well with him but man, you put his TOYS in time out and the world has come to an end and he's on the floor crying.
It's just so different from DD who is eager to please to DS who is eager to just say no to just say no. He's not a pill all the time -- he's very loving and sweet and easygoing most of the time but lately has come the phase where it's hard to remember that. He clearly is a bit more needy than DD though -- has more issues with change and separation anxiety than she did at his age -- but I have read that is kind of normal for most boys.
Any particular methods -- communication, discipline, etc. -- that you have found is more effective with your boys? TIA!
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
Re: Moms of boys
I'll be watching this post like a hawk!
we used to give DS choices. for getting dressed/changeed it was "do you want shirt A or shirt B?" gives him some control in his mind but in reality I get the control.
the one thing that has always and still works at age 6 is racing. Who can pick up more toys faster? I bet I can brush my teeth faster than you/get dressed quicker than you/etc... it's so competitive.
DS has always responded well to time outs though (yes, with tears...)
good luck
Life feels like it's 24/7 bribing and threatening. Time out is useless unless he has done something big. Reward systems don't work either. I have found that taking away his toys is usually most effective, especially his playmobil or legos. I also try to catch him in good behavior and really praise him for totally random stuff.
I've been saying for 5 years, relationships and dating would have been so much easier if I had been forced to raise a boy first because they really are totally different creatures from girls and truly are "just born that way" in so many areas.
We've recently been struggling with DS, who is great about most of the time and we often forget he's only 2.5 (very verbal, listens well, follows directions, etc.) but gets super stubborn and stalls like crazy at bedtime. It has definitely tested mama's patience. DH is way better with him during these times than I am, but I seem to take the either/or approach and the hard line, where DH tends to compromise and talk it out with him a bit more. I'm working on integrating that in a bit more. It's the most challenging part of our day, every day. Some days I cry, he cries, but it seems fine after he falls asleep and all is forgotten the next morning.
I welcome any bedtime routine advice on that one!
About a month ago, he started hitting and kicking me, and even chasing after me to do so, because he was angry, and we stumbled upon a solution to get him to check his anger by asking him if he needed to go spend some quiet time with his stuffy (the special one he carries everywhere). Sometimes he will actually go spend a few minutes, other times, it gets him to stop what he's doing and find his stuffy for a big hug. It doesn't always work, but works a lot. They also use this approach often at daycare for him as well. Timeout doesn't seem to be very effective for us either.
Maybe try to talk it out with him, and talk through it in a way that it seems like his idea (whether that is starting out with the absolute and meeting in the "middle" or trying the options of A or B (with you being ok with either). We sometimes also use an incentive such as an orange or other fruit for dessert or playing trains,etc. if he eats X number more bites of his dinner or does something we ask.
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Ponder-ing whether or not to become a Viking's fan
Are you giving him choices and opportunities to exercise control? Example: would you like cereal or scrambled eggs for breakfast? Would you like to read a book or have quiet play time with your blocks?
As far as tantrums and misbehavior goes, you can try the 1,2,3 method of "That's 1" (meaning, I'm noticing you're messing up and I'm giving you a chance to make a better choice), "That's 2" (meaning, I gave you 1 chance already and you're still showing me you can't handle making good choices on your own right now, this is your last warning before you have to...), "That's 3, Take 2" (meaning, you had two chances to make a better choice and you couldn't do it so you need to be removed from the situation for 2 minutes - based on age). This method works for lots of people (my parents used it on my sister and had us older siblings saying "that's 1" all the time, so funny!
Another recommendation I have is the book Parenting with Love and Logic. I LOVE the Love and Logic methodology and it works starting at a very young age. It's very common sense and becomes second nature to parents very quickly versus a "discipline" technique that will leave you questioning, "did that behavior deserve a time out?" "should I have talked to him about that or was that a situation where being silent would have been better?" etc.
You can also tried a reward system with him to reinforce positive behavior. You want to give him lots of kudos for the good stuff so feel free to create a chart with stickers or set aside a special toy or type of play to be used as a reward for following directions/listening to mommy. So instead of holding a time out over his head as a consequence for not getting dressed/eating lunch/cleaning up, you remind him that he has a reward to earn and can't have/do it unless he completes this hard part (another good time to use a two option choice would be "do you want to clean up or eat lunch first?" or "do you want to eat breakfast or get dressed?".
As far as the issues with change and separation anxiety, they're totally normal for boys from age 2-3, especially with mommy : ) Keep giving him lots of two option choices throughout the day to build his confidence and sense of control over his own life. Try not to make any big life changes right now (moving, switching to big boy bed, changing schedules, etc) and keep his world stable and consistent. If/when you can't, that's life, and he'll deal, just be sensitive to this time period for him. It's a tough time. He needs lots of praise and to be set up for success as much as possible.
As I always say, I'm an unemployed counselor so I kind of live for this stuff. Let me know if you need more ideas or links to books. I'm happy to help : )
We do a lot of racing in our house as well. And choices, which he doesn't always like, so I count to 5 and if he hasn't made a choice by then, I get to choose. The key in this is to not back down after he doesn't make his choice.
I can't really compare to girl behavior, but DS1 sounds more like your DD - he definitely has a "pleaser personality" and was pretty easy to parent as a toddler/pre-k (his stubborn streak is silent, and showed up later on).
DS2 was rough. Extremely stubborn, smart, knew exactly what HE wanted, no matter what I said, pretty uncooperative. Timeouts didn't matter *at all* to him. I thought I was going to lose my mind when he was 2, and on top of it his dad left, so he would have horrendous screaming, pounding the floor tantrums that would last for over an hour. (I've often said that if he was firstborn, he'd be an only).
He did (and still does) have his sweetness too though. He would notice when his daycare provider got her nails done, or tell me my "new hair" was pretty. He is intelligent, loves talking to everybody, and has always helped out littler kids on the playground or at school.
What worked for him:
- Touch when giving instructions. He was always 100 different places (physically or mentally) so I would touch his shoulder whenever possible to get his attention. Before I would say his name multiple times or talk to him with increasing volume, and get frustrated when he's ignore me. With Little G, I've started many things with "Look at my eyes..." so he focuses on what I'm saying.
- Short directions. Again, I think it's a combination of their go-go-go mentality, and the stubborn "I don't care what you say" thinking. To this day, I find that all the boys respond better to shorter instructions. They don't usually care for all the details, but I tell them if they ask, which they sometimes do.
- Ditto the PPs:
- Choice 1 or 2. They like that feeling of control, and I'm OK with either option.
- The 1-2-3 system worked best with DS3, and yes, his big brothers got into it as well.
- Rewards worked pretty well with all of them. Different rewards worked better for different kids (special time vs. toys, etc) I even adopted the "flip a card" system that DS2 used in kindergarten for DS3 at home.
Other than that, I choose my battles. Daily.
Even in middle school, my kids often go to school with uncombed hair, or with shorts on in November. Still, they got homework done without a battle the night before, lunches packed, and kept a good attitude in the morning (those used to be absolutely awful). I still praise them when they get out the door on time, or early.
PHOTOS REMOVED
You are my hero! Funny you mentioned the touch -- I have to get his attention and tap my ear and request he listen. I think I'll try to touch and see if that helps. And yeah, we do give him choices and that helps a lot. And I definitely see a choice of battles coming up here.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
I agree with GoldenJes...my DS#1 sounds more like your DD and my DS#2 sounds a lot like your DS#2. I think it might be a second kid thing, but I don't know.
I'm all over the map these days on discipline technique...sometimes I'm a bribe-mom (especially with public places), sometimes I'm a love and logic mom (natural consequences all the way - even if I had to set him up to fail when I have time for it), and most of the time in those moments where we have to get ready and be somewhere or go to bed I have to use 1-2-3-Magic counting techniques. For some reason my second son will not do anything he is asked until I am counting to 3 for 1-2-3. He is just one to test every limit and I find myself counting constantly. I also use the love-and-logic "fun points" or "fun energy" system for rewarding behavior and that seems to work with DS#2.
You might already know this if you've ready L&L, but I learned it from my friend. Basically to earn "fun points" or fill up my "fun energy" they help me out or listen to me and do things right away. It's not a tangible points system - it's just that if they aren't helping out or listening, it takes my energy away and I don't have time or energy for fun things with them. If they do something I asked or help out, I mention, "Wow, thanks for helping with X, that helped keep more energy in my fun reserves and now we can work towards [insert something fun like putting together a puzzle, going to the park/carousel, going swimming tomorrow, etc.]." If the kids are doing something that isn't good behavior or not listening, I let them know that they are "depleting my fun reserves and we'll probably have to catch-up on our tasks instead of having fun later." I know this isn't exact love & logic and it's glorified bribing, but I like it better b/c they I tell them that I love having fun with them, and that getting work done, ready quickly, or good behavior can help me have more time and energy to have fun with the kids.
ETA: Oh and Jes also reminded me that we learned from our last daycare provider to ask him to "put on his listening ears" before we ask him to do something. He puts his hands to his ears and looks at us and then we know he's not too distracted to hear us.
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