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My Crazy MIL-Baby Edition
This is probably going to be really long. (That's what she said.) Okay so this is probably only part 1 of a billion but I just can't take the crazy anymore.
When she heard we were having a girl "Really? But the W family only has boys" and "Girls are trouble," and "Are you sure it's a girl?" Apparently the word "Congratulations" isn't in her vocabulary.
It's not quite the same as questioning my sexuality but the drama unfolding about her visiting the week after my due date .Bob told her if the baby comes late, meaning that week, my mom will likely want to be here too and then we'll have to be creative with sleeping arrangements and use the couch or air mattress.
"That's not nice. I know where that came from." I'm guessing she doesn't think it came from us not wanting her to be pissed she used her only week's vacation to sleep on a couch and listen to a crying baby.
"But her mom only lives an hour away. She can come anytime. She doesn't have to stay overnight." This is all true but if my mom didn't offer, I wasn't going to tell her sorry you live too close to be granted permission to stay overnight.
"I just wanted to offer a helping hand. But I guess if M&M are there, you don't need me."
Even after pointing out that I had the same convo with my mom, who did offer to drive back and forth daily if that's the week the baby is born MIL's feelings are still hurt because Bob "didn't fight for her"(not sure WTF that means) and "there's no compromise between the two of you, it's her way or the highway."
Apparently telling both grandmas they are welcome to stay isn't compromise. I suppose I should tell my mom her H can't come because we'll have a full house. I really want to tell MIL she's lucky I'm not banning all overnight visitors and find out what her idea of compromise is because I have a feeling it's telling my mom MIL has dibs on that week.
No matter how many times he points out it might not matter because the baby might decide to make her appearance early or if it is that week, my mom won't be spending the night she is still laying on the guilt trip pretty strong.
Ugh....if having a baby was like having a wedding, I'd be eloping. So who wants to take in me and a newborn during the first week of May? Or perhaps knows a guy who can make problems go away?
Re: My Crazy MIL-Baby Edition
My feeling is that the new mom's mom gets priority after the baby arrives because the new mom is tired and sore and feels more comfortable with her own mother.
But your bigger issue is that you and your H need a solid plan of how to deal with his crazy mother that doesn't add stress to an already stressful situation. Is Bob solidly on your side? It concerns me that he continues to allow her to control the situation, and lets her say incredibly rude things to you. You and this family need to take complete priority over whatever guilt trip his mother tries to pull.
He is on my side. Before we got married, It took a while(and her trying to tell him to call off the wedding) but he finally stood up to her and basically said "If you don't respect her, you won't be welcome in our home."
She says these things to him and doesn't know that he shares with me or that I can hear their conversation because she isn't exaclty quiet. He tries to speak logically to her but she ignores it and continues her martyr routine. He does his best not to play into it.
But...but...
I guess I don't understand. Why DOES he tell you the hurtful things she says? And how is trying to convince her that maybe, possible, it won't matter if it's not that week, not playing into it? Why can't he just say "I'm sorry, but plans have already been made for that week. We're happy to have you the following week, if that's not good enough, I'm sorry that you won't be visiting"?
I'm lucky we seem to have reasonable parents who didn't flip out when we told them we didn't want any overnight visitors for the first two weeks even though this was the first grandchild on both sides. I knew I'd be tired and we wanted to get adjusted to being a family and doing things our way without have a third party influence telling us how/what we should or shouldn't be doing. I also always feel I need to entertain people when they're in my house and didn't want that right after birth. And I am thankful they respect us and our wishes.
That aside, I get not everyone is reasonable. I would try not to let this bother you. You have enough to worry about. You did enough to try to compromise and if she doesn't like it, that's her problem, not yours.
2/20/2011
Every time I hear about crazy families I thank the good Lord for my normal, reasonable kinfolk.
So, she is committed to coming the week after your due date, no matter when the baby arrives? Does she have any flexibility to come, say, two weeks after the baby is born? She is going to drive you bananas at a time when you may already be feeling a little bananas.
I agree with Fallin that Bob has got to be firm with her about what is and is not acceptable. If you do not want her there that week, tell her now. If she gives you crap while you're just home with a newborn baby I hope he brings the hammer down and sends her to a motel.
Most of the things he tells me are of the funny-crazy variety, like when she asked if I had ever hooked up with my best friend. Some of the more extreme things that I didn't overhear myself were shared because they bothered him. In the beginning he tried to shield me from some of the crazy but I think it caused more issues because I knew she was talking about me because I'd walk in and she'd get real quiet or make little comments to him that alluded to things. He probably does still edit or leave out parts at times but for the most part I appreciate the honesty.
I guess he keeps trying to explain because we had agreed that it would be okay for her to visit then since it's one of the few weeks that both he and his mom have off at the same time. But we also had agreed that we weren't going to tell either of our mothers that they couldn't visit just because the other was here and that's the part that she seems to have an issue with.
If she comes and is crazy at you while you're all crazy from the hormones and the lack of sleep and the screaming child, perhaps you'll just snap at her and she'll leave.
I'm lucky that my ILs are really nice people and that my mom really likes Lorne, so we've never had to deal with that sort of thing, but if I were Bob I'd be inclined to just shut her down any time she brought up something crazy about you. Like, "Mom, stop or I'm hanging up," or, "Mom, stop or you have to leave," and then follow through. Because I wouldn't want to hear my mom being a biitch to me about Lorne unless he'd really done something to deserve it, which is not the situation here. And maybe she'll get the message and maybe she won't, but at least neither of you will be subjected to the crazy.
If you think she's acting like an a$$hole now, just wait till the baby comes and everything is a competition with your mom. Or just an issue. I've seen the best of MIL/DIL relationships go down the toilet over the sheer crazy that goes on, sometimes on both ends when a new baby is involved. Including my own.
B and I were firm that no one is staying at our house when the baby comes except the baby nurse. But both sets of parents lived within 20 min. That being that, we didn't have to worry about sleepovers. Like someone else said, firm and on the same page is key. Strong Boundaries are important and necessary.
And while I think it ends up being crappy/unfair when a DIL tries to shut an MIL out totally, if you only want your mom there overnight the first week well, IMO birthing trumps fairness. It ain't easy and you should get the say on what makes you most comfortable
It doesn't always get worse. My relationship with my MIL has improved exponentially since Sean was born, but I think that has way more to do with just getting comfortable with each other. I used to dread visits, now I look forward to them. However, she always really liked me, but was just super awkward and overstepped boundaries...so YMMV.
Good luck.
The poster formerly known as PDXPhotoGrl
But let me tell you- having a newborn at home is exhausting, emotional, etc. If she isn't really going to HELP you all out, then tell her to stay in a hotel. Seriously. Bringing a newborn home is NOT a time to play nice-nice and find places for everyone to sleep, etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You're right, it doesn't always! But chances are, if someone is being this level of a$$hole before the baby, that's more than meerly "awkward", and there is more poor behavior waiting in the wings.
Well, you all know how much I love my ILs. Luckily, I didn't have to say anything. My husband just told his family that they were not to come until 3 weeks after we had been home. When they did come, I still wanted to flip out. It is hard in a way you can't really imagine now. As others have said, don't try to be fair here. Do what you and your new family need and don't worry about the passive aggressive crap.
Will she even really be helping? Or will she just be silently judging you on how you are feeding your kid, or rocking her, or that your hormones are out of whack so you are sitting and crying over a stupid commercial? I get that some people would help out by cooking or cleaning, but in those early days, you probably won't give a $hit that your house is messy, or that you and your husband are living off of whatever you happen to have in the refrigerator. A messy house is going to be far less stressful than walking into a room and overhearing your MIL bad mouth you.
I'll second this. That first week is HARD. Yes, you are totally enamored with this small person, but you're not sleeping, you're mentally drained, and your hormones are carazy and that's with a perfectly healthy baby. Add in weight gain issues or jaundice or any of the other common newborn issues, and the last thing you are going to want is a person around whom you feel the need to second guess your actions. She will not be helpful. She will be in the way.
And, sometimes you're not so enamored with that small person. Sometimes you lay in bed with the dog and sob because you think you made a mistake.
Wait, what?
Anyhoo, I agree your MIL will not be helpful. And that Bob needs to try to filter what he passes on a bit. My mom has said her fair share of awful about Kevin but I have never told him any of it.
For less then ten cents a day, you can feed a hungry child.
Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I don't think mom trumps MIL with new babies because you have a vagina*. They are both new grandparents and both would he hurt to be excluded, and it damn sure can only hurt a MIL/DIL relationship to pull that card. I'm sure the father is excited and wants to share that time with his family / feels comfortable having his mom around to help too. I just don't get the pulling rank business. I've been there and I remember that it's hard, but I liked having people around to help me at first. I would absolutely be open to having my MIL there in addition to my sisters (since my parents are obviously not an option).
*Obviously, Irish's MIL is crazy to demand that she have dibs too. My comments are related to some of the responses.
I have the most amazing MIL in the world. Seriously, I love her. She's not intrusive. She's extremely helpful. She is wonderful. I still would have rather not had anyone spending the night that first week. My mom came down during the day to help, and MIL and FIL stayed with their family in town so they could be around for a week. It worked well, but I know that having them spend the night would have been more stress for me because I would have felt obligated to make sure they were comfortable.
I totally understand not wanting any overnight visitors, because some people don't. I just think the general sentiment that my mom trumps his mom (which seems to be popular on the boards) is unfair.
I know in my head that you're completely right about this, and I would never in a million years tell my MIL not to come when the baby comes. BUT I keep thinking about having a complete mental breakdown at 2am, because I can't figure out how to BF, and my poor baby is starving, and we're all crying, and I cringe at the thought of my MIL witnessing that.
For a couple of weeks, my H was trying to convince me that his mom should come live with us for 3-4 months when the baby comes. I did say a big hell no to that. But I would also say hell no to my own mom doing that...
Baby Boxer is coming! 5.23.12
www.focushunting.com
I think it totally depends on your level of comfort. For me, my MIL would probably be more helpful than my mom at this point, but there are plenty of people (like Irish) whose MILs are not a calming or helpful presence. I can totally understand wanting your own mother around (assuming they have a good relationship) and not wanting the MIL around when you know you are going to be stressed and hormonal.
I don't see it as my mom trumps his mom but more as my comfort as someone that just pushed a baby out of my vag and is to'e up with hormones trumps everyone else's.
It's only a vagina thing in that because I have the vagina, I have the extra pain and exhaustion and hormones from the actually delivery. I can cry and fart and bump and pull out a boob in front of my mother. I can tell my mom if I need her to do laundry. She won't get offended if I tell her to just back off and leave me along.
Is it fair? No, probably not but, eh, life's not.
Bob's mom sounds like a real ***.
For less then ten cents a day, you can feed a hungry child.
I just commiserate since I know how much my MIL was the suck in the weeks after Dagger was born. But, she has gotten better, she really has.
Both moms are coming down while we are in the hospital if it all works out. having my mom run interference is best.
Ditto.
word.
Baby Boxer is coming! 5.23.12
www.focushunting.com