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Oh wow. Meds. Thoughts. Craziness.
So I've been feeling utterly crazy. I have been okay the past few days, but then all of a sudden I'm infused with anger and frustration and I can't get the words out. My psychologist is requesting a med change from my PCP and an emergency direct referral to the psychiatrist for further medication issues.
I don't want to get out of bed in the morning again. Coming here to work is the biggest chore ever. I'm just so in need of change in my life. This is so lame. I hate it.
I'm really scared because my back has been acting up hardcore. Violent pain shooting down my hips and legs and radiating in my lower back. I have an appointment for an MRI for next Monday and a consult with my neurosurgeon which I had surgery for this problem in 2007. I haven't had a major flare up since, and I'm really scared because this is bad.
I am very depressed. I haven't felt like this ever before. I'm so sad I want to quit my job and live in my bed. I hate feeling like I don't exist. I'm so broke that even going to work isn't helping me. I'm about 90% sure I'm going to file bankruptcy in the not so distant future and I'm just crapping my pants over everything. I never thought my life would turn into this.
On a happy note, BF has been wonderful. He's going with me to therapy appointments, making me eat when we're home together, trying so hard to cheer me up when all I wanna do is lay in bed and stare. I'm lucky to have him, even though I've been pulling away from him and I don't want to. It's just easier to be alone through this than burden anyone else. I'm scared it's going to get worse before it gets better and I'm going to end up in In-Patient for a while. At least my parents know that I'm affected and that this isn't easy.
Ah I don't even know what I'm saying. I feel really alone lately. I just needed to vent a little I guess.
Re: Oh wow. Meds. Thoughts. Craziness.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes....all of this.
I'm preparing to go inpatient in the next month or two. I just have to see if the meds they change me to start working. Otherwise I will go.
I hate feeling like this. It's awful. I don't know how to talk to people. My mom and dad are calling me every day to make sure I didn't kill myself. It's hard seeing everyone around me being so worried.
I didn't want anyone to feel this way.
Your description of how you are feeling is not a normal depression and is very severe, please get help beside medications. This is no way to live and is not a good quality of life.
I know you go out of your way to say good things about your BF, if he is that good of a BF, don't you think he deserve the best of you too? It is really care to take care of a depressed person for long term.
I know. I want to get better and I'm trying. I'm making an effort and taking steps. He deserves to be with someone who is so much better than me. I love him so much, but it's not fair to him. It's not fair to anyone who has to deal with me. I want to feel better because I want a life with him. BF has been amazing. I just haven't been amazing to him.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to break up with him because I don't. I want us. I love us. But he needs someone better than me.
Please consider getting inpatient therapy. It will help you clear your head and get stable and honestly, in order to be in a relationship (this one or any others in the future), you need to be healthy mentally. I'm glad your bf is being good to you, but you need to be good to yourself first. Sometimes that means taking time away to heal.
I swear, I mean well....I'm a social worker and work with people with significant mental health issues and my XH was suicidal at times. Please seek help.
Regarding what you wrote about him deserving to be with someone who is so much better than you.... remember, he chose to be with YOU. and IS with you. Make sure he knows that you appreciate him being there and also treat yourself with just as much, if not more, kindness. Focus on right now and getting through this. Get the treatment you need. Let him worry about what he needs (again, remember who he is choosing to be with. that's his decision, not yours). You can do this!!!