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Grieving for the loss of my Suzi
I know I don't post on The Nest much, but this is the only place I could think of for support. I found out last night that my 17-year-old dog Suzi passed. I've never known anybody who passed before, and I can't stop crying.
We got Suzi when I was 11. She was my saving grace. My mother was emotinally abusive, and Suzi was always the one who was there for me. She was the one I turned to for comfort. She was my best friend.
Last May I finally had to cut my mother out of my life. Suzi had reached the point where she couldn't be left alone for long stretches of time, and since I work full time, I couldn't bring her to live with me. So I left her at my mother's, hopeful that at least one of my family members would take care of her. I've gone almost a whole year wondering about her and missing her desperately. Last night my mother left my husband a voicemail saying Suzi had passed.
I'm feeling so much guilt at having abandoned my baby. I had made the choice to leave her and save my own sanity, and that is now weighing heavily on me. I never got to officially say goodbye. I wonder if she was sad and confused as to why I never came back for her. And that's eating me alive.
Re: Grieving for the loss of my Suzi
First, I am very sorry for your loss. It is amazing the emotional connections and bonds we form with our animals and how they really truly become family. Each of mine has helped me through different phases of my life, so I understand how Suzi was your emotional support through something difficult and I imagine you will always remember her that way and be grateful to her.
In my experience, the guilt and the what ifs does fade. It's probably especially hard right now because you literally just lost her. But to have lived to 17 I imagine your Mom (as awful as she was to you) was probably taking appropriate care of her. I have no doubt you would not have left her otherwise.
I wouldn't necessarily recommend re-opening lines of communication with your Mom but maybe if you find out more about how she passed you can find some peace. Sometimes even if it doesn't feel like enough, loving them as best we can and making sure they are safe, fed and cared for IS the best we can do and all they would ask of us.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Pets can be such a strong part of our lives and I know all too well how difficult it is to lose them.
Try to not dwell on the thought of your dog feeling abandoned by you over the last year. I'm certain she loved you but I do think that dogs live more in the moment and she didn't harbor any ill feelings about you leaving her. Had you seen her one last time, I'm sure she would have greeted you happily and without any grudge. You loved her well and that's the best thing our canine pals could ever wish for, in my opinion and experience.
I send you my sympathies.