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Tell me what to do
We all know my mom has been causing all sorts of problems. It's all gotten worse, and I've been trying to keep the peace, because my granny would want me too, but I can't bite my tongue with her anymore. She is a selfish, immature, drama loving, unstable person who is a pathological liar. Am I a jerk for blocking her phone calls and having nothing to do with her? I could care less if I ever see her again, but is it fair to my kids? It's not like they have a relationship, she only sees them once a year.
I just want to do the right thing, and every fiber in my being is done with giving her chances to do the right thing. It's like for a moment she is a normal mom, helping me with Ben, and the next she is saying I am a horrible person, doesn't respect granny's wishes, I pilfered through her things, it's all insulting. I'm not that person. I told her she was crazy, and she told me "don't talk to me like one of your dirty friends off the street".........what?!? Who does she think I am? I would never talk or treat Owen like she treats me.
This all came to a head because she said I could have grannies cedar chest, and I took it and gave it to the sister that she hates, because my aunt has been busting her butt taking care of everything. I felt like Diane deserved it, and because I don't have room for it.
My mom thinks I should have crated it and shipped it to her in Florida instead of giving it to someone else. The thing is, we asked her when she was here, what items of granny's she wanted, and she said "just pick out some things and pack me a box, I want to go home"- so that's what I did. Now she is saying that the box I just sent isn't enough, and she wants granny's wedding ring, the family bible, the Cedar chest....everything.
I think it also bugs her that she hates her sister, and my aunt and I are very close. After all, my mom left us to shack up with a guy in Florida, and my aunt took her place in being there for us.
I have the worst headache.
Re: Tell me what to do
What does your grandmother's will say? Tell her the will says x,y,z.
Your mother sounds toxic.
Her will just splits up the financial assets. Which is screwed up because we can't find the original copy of the will, and I guess the copy of it the attorney has can't hold up in court because it's not the original?? That what the attorney is telling us.
Just because she is your mom doesn't mean that she has to or gets to be a part of your life. It sucks because she is your mom, but if she not willing to be a part of yor family's life in a positive way, then I'd say to cut her off.
My kids will never know their great grandma on my dad's side because she and I don't speak. There are times that I wonder if it's the right thing to do, but then I remember all the pain and hurtful things she intentionally did, and I wouldn't want my kids to have any part of that.
I almost feel the same way about DH's parents sometimes. E is now getting to the point where she realizes they aren't around much, or that they don't show up when they say they will. I hate answering her questions about why they don't show up.
You have to do what is best for you and your kids. Just because she is blood, doesn't mean she automatically has the right to be a part of your life.
Sorry you are going through this. Keep taking the higher road, don't let her poison your attitude.
tell her to off and block her calls. your kids dont need that type of influence in their life. tell her that she got what she wanted when she told you to pack a box good riddance.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=mm
I stopped speaking to my Dad a long time ago. He is full of the crazy & just makes everyone miserable. It is not an easy thing to do; I would really, really think it over. I also would try not to flip flop back & forth - try to decide what is the best path for you (and your family - I think it's very important to consider your DH/kids) and then stick to it.
I will say though it sort of sucks & sounds nuts not to be on speaking terms with a parent, it has been a HUGE improvement for me & my family (my DH & boys). I just couldn't bear the risk that he would do something to my boys, I would never forgive myself for putting them in harm's way. I have no qualms about explaining it to my boys if they ask - it has only come up once or twice & I just try to gently but honestly say that he hasn't always treated us well & it's important to me that they always have loved ones who treat them with kindness.
Think it over long & hard, maybe seek a minister/pastor/counselor etc & find the best route for you. Just because someone is a blood relative doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this, especially with the loss of your Granny recently. Hang in there.
Ps. I know I don't know you well, but having been through some similar times I totally hear you. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you want.
This. It sucks, but your boys deserve better. Hell, you deserve better. She definitely has not earned the right to be in your lives. I think that explaining absence is easier than dealing with hurt feelings and the fall out if she were to ever hurt them. KWIM? Good luck in this difficult decision. I know you will do what's best for your family.
This. It sucks, but your boys deserve better. Hell, you deserve better. She definitely has not earned the right to be in your lives. I think that explaining absence is easier than dealing with hurt feelings and the fall out if she were to ever hurt them. KWIM? Good luck in this difficult decision. I know you will do what's best for your family.
I think more than anything it's the guilt over your boys that's stopping you from cutting her out. You cant think that way. They've got another set of grandparents who live here and are very active/present in their lives. That is more than a lot of kids have! I can promise you they'll be fine. They may ask you about her when they are a bit older, but it'll just be out of curiosity, not sadness.
I'm 30 now, I can fill her shoes and be grandma Amy to them.
Everyone else has given great advice, so I just wanted to mainly offer my support - that is such an emotional situation Tiff, let alone when you're wading through your Granny's estate and holding things together at home and everything.
I think you need to decide for yourself (personally, without factoring in your kids) whether you really want a relationship like this with your mom, or not - and if not, then it has to be a totally clean break without any lingering contact. You seem to have other family members who are great, and friends, and so I can see why you would lean towards transitioning her out of your life completely - especially after the estate stuff is wrapped up.
I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make - it is so hard having to deal with such toxic people
Oh Tiff, how horrible.
Ditto Sarah that this is a personal decision and a tough one. On one hand you want your mom to be a part of your life and on the other nope, not at all.
I don't regret limiting my contact with my mom and am trying to make my low expectations of her even lower. You have to do what you are comfortable with doing.
And your kids will notice. E does with my mom. It's how you handle talking about her around them in how they will grow up knowing or not knowing about her. We try not to talk bad about her around E. Funny story- my neice asked her grandma (my mom) where her broom and witch hat were because someone called my mom a witch in front of said neice. I about died laughing.
You know what's right. Cut her off and be done. She's had her chance(s), now be done.
Sorry. I'm sure that sucks big time.