A little sad - My dad

Aalliep

I was going through a box of papers last night and I found a letter from  almost 2 years that wasn't addressed to me, but it was from someone I was extremely close to. I think it just got mixed up with my papers when I was moving.

Basically it was about my actions during my dad's death and how the decisions I made were killing my father, ie. removing his feeding tube so I was starving him. Removing him from all medications when it could have saved his life, and how I was "responsible" for his early death.

My decisions in 2010 have tortured me for a good year or more. I always replayed every minute of his last 4 days over & over thinking the what-ifs.  This is distracting me today because all I can think about is this.  Just brought back all the sadness of that time.

this bites

Mc_Newlywed

It's easy for others to judge when they aren't the decision-makers.  Just try to remember why you made the decisions you did and why they were right at that time.   

It does suck when old wounds are re-opened.  {{hugs}} 

Apr06

Mc_Newlywed:

It's easy for others to judge when they aren't the decision-makers.  Just try to remember why you made the decisions you did and why they were right at that time.   

It does suck when old wounds are re-opened.  {{hugs}} 

Agreed.  Big Hug!

penguingrrl

I'm so sorry. Nobody should make you feel guilty for letting someone get away from their pain. (((hugs)))

AmyRob04

Apr06:

Mc_Newlywed:

It's easy for others to judge when they aren't the decision-makers.  Just try to remember why you made the decisions you did and why they were right at that time.   

It does suck when old wounds are re-opened.  {{hugs}} 

Agreed.  Big Hug!

agreed!

mbcdefg

It's easy to place blame on others for something that's not their fault, and it's easy for someone to say "You should've done XYZ" when they're not the one who has to actually make that decision. It's easy for some people to blame even a loved one for a tragedy, rather than just accept the fact that some things are out of our hands ... it's scary for some people to realize that they, or anyone else, don't have control of a situation.

People cope with tragedies differently, and some people lash out at others for no reason, even people they love.  And some people say (or write) things in the heat of the moment that they don't really mean. Or, some people just take that bitterness and anger with them for the rest of their lives. Either way, it's not your problem (I'm not saying that this isn't a problem for you in general, I'm just saying that it's not your responsibility to explain or justify your actions to others who are harboring anger over something that wasn't in their control).

I'm sure you made the best possible decision you could have, and you did it from a place of love. Easier said that done, I know, but try not to let it worry you.

Kristen81603

AmyRob04:

Apr06:

Mc_Newlywed:

It's easy for others to judge when they aren't the decision-makers.  Just try to remember why you made the decisions you did and why they were right at that time.   

It does suck when old wounds are re-opened.  {{hugs}} 

Agreed.  Big Hug!

agreed!

this- you had incredibly hard decisions to make and you made them to the best of your ability and keeping in mind what your dad would have wanted. believe in yourself and in your heart that you did the right things. HUGS! 

ladyredlight

It is very easy for someone to pass judgement when they aren't affected by it.  If it was their father would they have felt the same way?  You did what you thought was best for your dad and I am sure HE knew that and that is really all that matters.  It is a very stressful situation that you went thru and no one should make you question your decisions and actions. 

Allison711

Mc_Newlywed:

It's easy for others to judge when they aren't the decision-makers.  Just try to remember why you made the decisions you did and why they were right at that time.   

It does suck when old wounds are re-opened.  {{hugs}} 

This!  My Dad could have been kept alive on feedtubes but he was brain dead so we let him go...at that point it wouldn't have been him anymore.  He wouldn't have wanted that.  Lots of ((((hugs)))

molldoll71

I am so sorry.  That is terrible,  You have to ask yourself is that really living/ life support/ feeding tubes?  You had the hardest decision to make and I am sure made the best possible choice,.  You have to believe that he is no longer suffering and in a better place.   Hugs.  My Dad had surgery in 2006 that possibly saved his life but he never recovered from it and spent the next 4 years in and out of the hospital, in a wheelchair with tons of issues.  We wonder if we hadn't done the surgery would the last few years of his life been so much better for him.  You just have to believe you did the right thing.

MrsDB

i'm sorry. that must have been really hard to read. however, try not to take personal offense- people often just need to blame someone for bad things happening, and you were the easiest target as you were the one in the unfortunate position of making those choices. you know you did what you felt was best for your dad, and that's what is important. death just sucks. 

bosha711

That is absolutely horrific & I am so sorry you read that. The difficulty of those decisions is something no person can understand unless they've been in the same situation.

laurenpetro

WTMF?  someone sent that to you?  if i recall your father was in really bad shape, right?  who in the hell says that to someone.

here's the thing:  you are responsible for your father's dying.  you let him go in the MOST humane way you possibly could.  your other option was to let him hang on a torturious way with ZERO chance of recovery.  if i end up in that situation i want someone to do to me EXACTLY what you did for him.

i seriously hope you have no contact with this person ever again.

mrs.marie.g

Aalliep:

I was going through a box of papers last night and I found a letter from  almost 2 years that wasn't addressed to me, but it was from someone I was extremely close to. I think it just got mixed up with my papers when I was moving.

Basically it was about my actions during my dad's death and how the decisions I made were killing my father, ie. removing his feeding tube so I was starving him. Removing him from all medications when it could have saved his life, and how I was "responsible" for his early death.

My decisions in 2010 have tortured me for a good year or more. I always replayed every minute of his last 4 days over & over thinking the what-ifs.  This is distracting me today because all I can think about is this.  Just brought back all the sadness of that time.

this bites

i know too well the decision you had to make and how haunting it could be.don't second guess yourself and try not to let this bother you

hugs

Mrs.TheresaT

I'm sorry. I know well how hard those decisions are, try not to second guess yourself. You knew the right thing to do at the time and you did it. Don't let others make you think otherwise. If this is how they treat you, they are obviously clueless. (hugs)

Mrs.angel2003

Allison711:

Mc_Newlywed:

It's easy for others to judge when they aren't the decision-makers.  Just try to remember why you made the decisions you did and why they were right at that time.   

It does suck when old wounds are re-opened.  {{hugs}} 

This!  My Dad could have been kept alive on feedtubes but he was brain dead so we let him go...at that point it wouldn't have been him anymore.  He wouldn't have wanted that.  Lots of ((((hugs)))

 Same situation - I decided my dad wouldn't have wanted to live that way.

Be kind to yourself and have faith in your decisions.  When you made them, you made them heavy hearted.  It's not like you went around the room "pulling plugs" like people make it sound.  (hugs)