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Follow up to SIL and college/crazy MIL
Well She got into one of her top choices. It wasn't because of academics but that's a another post. Anyway this school is pretty prestigious, expensive ($40K a year,) and far away. She got a $38,000 scholorship divded between 4 years with her acceptance letter, the school is paying for her to fly out there and visit the school and they will also pay for her fly out there in the fall when school starts.
Anyway MIL is PO'd and doesn't want to let her go. She keeps pushing SIL to apply to metro, or durango, or CSU. SIL is really upset and keeps calling DH and telling DH how angry she is her mother can't just be happy for her. They all went to a big meeting a few weeks ago for the school and the whole time MIL was being down and mean to DH about how much his school cost and that he went for 5 years. Needless to say the night didn't end well. So at this point DH is upset with MIL, SIL is upset with MIL, and MIL doesn't want to let her go for the free visit next month, because she needs to find a closer less expensive option. Oh and she has yet to appy for finacial aid, because MIL is dragging her feet with the paper work. She has applied for a good number of grants and scholorships and still has the opportunity to possibly get more money from this school.
My SIL is 18 and we keep trying to tell her she has to make her own choices and do what is best for her. I also keep trying to explain to her that she is going to make a lot of choices her mom isn't happy about but this isn't her mom's life. SIL is worried that MIL will pretty much disown her like she did to DH when he moved out. She didn't talk to him for over a year because she was angry and then he had to get other family members involved to resolve the issue. However she still says this was DH's fault and choice, oh and he live just down the street. I think SIL is right and this will probably happen to her and it makes me so angry, how could you not talk to your kid because they decide to make a responsible choice in their life?
I really don't understand these people. DH tried to talk to a family memeber and she says MIL has every right to force SIL to stay here. So DH called to college rep and is thinking about setting up the visit behind MIL's back and making sure SIL goes to at least see the place.
Re: Follow up to SIL and college/crazy MIL
This is exactly how we feel. She is so scared MIL is going to hate her and not talk to her that she doesn't know what to do. MIL doesn't see the issue in this trying to control her choices. It just makes me sad and gives me all the more reason G will not go with her if something happens to us.
It's really sad that her own mother can't be happy and supportive of her going to a good college. Sad that she can't say, "it's expensive, but let's sit down and figure out how we can make this work".
Hopefully someone can talk some since into MIL.
I can kind of see two sides to this issue, but I agree that it is sad that MIL isn't being supportive. It is really terrible and unacceptable that MIL would threaten to disown her child over making a choice about where to go to college. Is she worried about the financial strain on her? Or just wanting to control her kid's choices? If it is the financial issue, I understand why she wants her go somewhere in-state, but if it is the power struggle and control issue, that kind of baffles me. I think your SIL should learn now that if she doesn't make her own choices now her mother is going to be bullying her into stuff for the rest of her life.
I got into an expensive prestigious school on the East coast (but not an Ivy) and my dad sat me down and went over the finances with me. My parents would pay for any in-state schools where we lived or the out-of-state school my parents graduated from, or he would give me that same amount of money toward the school of my choice but for the remainder of the costs I had to come up with the money (loans or scholarships, and I wasn't eligible for any need-based aid). I ended up going to my parent's alma mater. I've never regretted my choice. My dad never made it an issue about wanting to control me. He educated me about the costs and the sacrifices that each choice would require, and after that it was my decision (also my burden if I took out tons of loans).
It is kinda both but I think mostly a control issue. MIL has 3 kids, DH and my 2 SIL's both DH and other SIL went to private schools-expensive! DH is the oldest. His education was around $75,000ish because he had to do a 5th year. (after grants, scholorships, etc.) MIL took on $10,000 of that. Other SIL's school was $63,000 (she didn't get any grants or scholorships,) MIL took $45,000 of that. She then refinanced her house and used the money to pay that off. Which DH is really angry about the fact that she took in 4x's the amount for SIL even though she was in a worse financial situation than she was when he went. He really thinks she did this because she was angry with him. She still feels to this day he betrayed her and lets him know about it all the time. She also belittles him about the cost of his education, going a 5th year, not going where she wanted him too. (eventhough he is actually doing what he wants and went to school for.) SIL is unemployed and lives at home, graduated college 6 years ago.
She has told little SIL that she will try to help, but SIL doesn't expect this. Oh I should also add that DH's grandmother gave SIL $10,000 for her 18th bday to pay for books all 4 years.
First of all, yes, I think your SIL should go visit the school she wants and then deal with the money issues later. Also, this should all be between your SIL and her mom, not you guys at all. You can support your SIL and give her advice, without getting involved unless she asks for help like a ride to the airport or a hug after a tough conversation with her mom. Your support might also help your SIL figure out talking points with her mom. Maybe you can help her come up with ways to let her mom know that she is listening to her concerns, but really committed to checking out this one school.
Also, your DH sounds like he is still a little miffed about how much financial and emotional support his mom has given him vs his sisters. Therefore, you might also have to realize that being too involved in your SIL's decisions might work against your SIL getting financial help from her mom. Instead, maybe helping her find a financial aid counselor at the school she wants to go to so she can wade through the possible financials with her mom without you two involved.
Oh and from my family experience...my parents had 3 girls in college and I know we all recieved different amounts of financial help from our parents and that was without a crazy MIL who used money to make points. It's just different for each kid and each situation.
Are you united with the CCOKCs?
I agree 100%. I really wish we were not involved as much as it has become. Unfortuatly DH is a lot more like a parent than a brother. She comes to us whenever there is a problem and MIL expects DH to handle SIL. MIL is actually the one who pushed DH to get involved. MIL doesn't go to the parent college meeting-DH does, She didn't want to meet the college rep-DH pushed her too. On thanksgiving she told DH it was his responsibility to make sure SIL got into a good school. I also think DH has gotten too much into the view of needing to protect SIL incase MIL does do the same thing again. the worst part is MIL could afford this school but because it's not what she wants she won't. I agree each kid is different and the money will be different I just wish she didn't use money as a way of getting her way (she did something simular when we got married.) And she could truely be happy and proud of her other 2 children for their accomplishments. It makes me sad to see how much they do just for her and to try and win her love and praise. It's all such a messed up situation.
Ahh...I see. Your MIL sounds like she has too much emotion tied up in money. I hope your SIL is able to go on the trip and be reasonable and level-headed about her decision when her mom isn't able to be.
Are you united with the CCOKCs?
I'm sorry that your SIL is dealing with a controlling person who uses money as their tool. In my experience, the only way to end a power struggle where money is being used to control you is to stop accepting that person's money. If they're not providing the money, the don't get any control. It isn't fun, but it does give you a lot of freedom and builds your independence.
FWIW, I think I'd try to stay out of this, and keep it between your SIL/MIL as much as you can. I'd give SIL advice and support, but at the end of the day it is her decision and her fight with your MIL. If SIL decides to go to the expensive school and pay for it herself, you might counsel her on how to try to minimize the loan burden.