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Big Trouble in Paradise - long post
So my new husband is in the military. We now live in a foreign country. We dated for 6 months then he moved to this country, we did 1 year long distance and then he proposed. So after 2 years of dating, many destination dates (we saw each other at least every 2 months,) once or twice a day phone conversations. We have now been married for almost 6 months. So now I live in this new country, where I cannot use my profession, I have to make an all new social group, an all new life. Should be a really awesome adventure, right? Well there is big troubel in paradise.
He is an good, smart, funny and handsome man. I truly love him. But it seems we just keep fighting. We fight about everything. Prior to the wedding he was very interested in being "intimate" but now it is like he has very little interest. It is really hard for me to get him to tell me what he is thinking. It is almost as if he resents marrying me because now he cannot hang out with his single guys friends as often, he stated before he got married that one of his biggest fears was that a wife would not let him go out and see his friends. But he comes home every night, we have dinner together, he seems content. I have never told him he cannot go out, or that we couldn't go out. It seems I have to set up all of our social events. He only mentioned this thing about going out with his friends as a side note once, but it is more then anything else I have gotten out of him.
It is so odd. I know that I am not totally innocent, I am not as kind as I could be at times. Nor do I give in as easy as I could. But I am getting so worn down, so tired of this. We don't fight about money, we are both good at that. It is about feelings and respect. About the way we talk to one another, the lights in the living room, how I lost my ID one time because I just had it tucked into my phone (apparently it should have been in a more secure place). When he is gone we skype every day and then we, yeah you guessed it. fight. Or we have nothing to day to one another and I get SO tired of nursing along conversations.
The point is I am getting to a breaking point here, it is draining all of my joy. I am a generally happy go lucky person, I am a think positive person. But I am dying here. I do try talking to him, but talking is what causes the fighting. But please any ideas, thoughts, positive reinforcement would be greatly appreciated.
Re: Big Trouble in Paradise - long post
Hi Julie,
I am 26, he is 30. I do not regret marrying him. I want to say that I do, but I know that is just the difficulties we are having. I know we can get through this.... it is just hard.
It seems like there is a huge breakdown, in your communication with each other.
Also, I know you said you're both good with money, but if you're unable to use your profession, maybe he is somewhat stressed about how much money there is, even if you both are spending it responsibly. Which may also be why he doesn't hang out with his friends as much.
Yes your id should have been in a more secure place. I'm guessing he had to take a day off to go with you to get it replaced.
I know you said you can't use your profession, but is there something else you can do? Is there some place you can get an entry level job in another profession. I'm not suggesting this strictly for the money, but because, I know how stressful it can be, being stuck in a house with nothing to work towards day after day.
Honestly, I think you need to sit down together and have a very honest and open discussion. You need to both promise to use only constructive criticism for this conversation, and no be offended if he tells you something you do that is stressing him out, and he needs to do the same.
It sounds like you need to get yourself into something you're interested in. Find something to fill your days with, whether it's working in a different field, volunteering, or taking up a new hobby that involves interaction with people. That alone will solve your conversational issues; you have to nurse along the conversations with your husband because there's nothing new for either of you to talk about. Also, doing something that occupies your time/entertains you will lift up your spirits (conciously or subconciously) which will translate to your relationship.
If the healthy balance of both self focus and partner/relationship focus is thrown off it will directly effect your marriage. It sounds like you've given up everything about YOU to make this relationship work (having to move to a new country) and yet you haven't re-established your identity in this new place.
Hello Ladies,
I am trying to get involved. I volunteer at a couple organizations in the area, I teach English. I am not sitting home all day stewing in it. But it is true, I don't feel like me. It is a difficult transition.
We do need to sit down and have a serious conversation, but I am not even sure how to start. I think I will email him tonight, he seems to respond well to that.
PS: a neighbor found my ID, he didn't have to go with me to get a new one. He was just angry that I lost it in the first place.
Thanks for your replies. Always appreciated.
I am not as kind as I could be at times. Nor do I give in as easy as I could. But I am getting so worn down, so tired of this.
OP what does this mean? What are you "giving" in on? I see no reason why he should be "angry" about you losing your ID - big whoop - it's a hassle for you to deal with - not him. I'm seeing red flags here.
Actually her losing her military ID could have negative ramifications for him. Its a huge security issue, and some commands make a bigass deal about it. He does have to deal with it, and unless she has a POA specifically for that, he will have to go with her to get a new one (ETA depending on the hours of the DEERS office and what he works, this could potentially mean he has to take off work). Depending on when she got her ID, it could have his SS# on it, so thats another personal issue. I dont know how "angry" he got, so I dont know if it was an overreaction or not, but its more than just losing your driver's license.
OP- There are some resources availible to you through the military that can help you both increase communication, a chaplin, Military One Source, different kind of therapy/counseling things on base/post. If you look on the base website, you can find access to that information or search Mil One Source. I'm not sure what branch YH is in, but like a family readiness coordinator or some comparable program could help point you in the right direction.
I changed my name
Try a chaplain or what Jilly has suggested.
it's probably also an adjustment issue that's adding to the whole mix.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with him having a once a week night out with the guys -- once a week should be plenty. He should have no argument with that.
I am jumping in here because I am in a similar situation. I moved to a different country for my husband and everyone speaks French, so I can't really get a fulltime writing gig.
For the first time in 6 years, our marriage became somewhat of a struggle and I realized I was bored/ he was stressed. We were fighting all the time. I think what helped me (us) was me trying to be in a better mood and not resent him for his job taking us here because I honestly was super stoked to come. I was ready for adventure.
But it is very hard and very isolating and the weather is BRUTAL. Join as many things as you can. Start working on something, whether it's taking classes or starting a book club or meeting other expats. I am still without a regular social circle and it is super hard. He might just not think he can leave to visit his friends because he feels bad leaving you at home by yourself.
Moving to another country is super stressful. I had no idea until I did it. But after a year, we've adjusted and I've tried to be in a better mood when he comes home - that's made things better. You're in it together. Keep reminding yourself of that.
I would start with something along the lines of
"Honey I know you're stressed out, I am, too. Let's have an "amnesty night" where we lay all our issues out on the table and see where we are, so we can work on resolving them. I know I'm not perfect, and I'm sure some of this is us still learning to share our time and space with another person, so lets put our gripes out there, but I think the key to this will be to say everything, in a constructive manner so neither of us get hurt or offended. Lets use tomorrow to try to figure out what's really bothering us and what we want to really say to each other, and then we can sit down and talk after dinner, or at some point the day after.
I do agree, I do think counseling would work. I think I am letting my pride get in the way of bringing it up. I do not think he would be that against it. He is truly is a good and caring man, not a "big baby." I think when we have lived on our own for so many years we become used to being independent and most of our difficulties are learning to live with another.
It is hard to bring it up to friends. I don't think I have told anyone how bad it actually is. I really am trying to be positive.
When I said " I am not as kind as I could be at times. Nor do I give in as easy as I could. But I am getting so worn down, so tired of this." I meant that I could be kinder during arguments, not so stubborn. I could give in more and make things more of a compramise. I could choose to be happy at the end of the day, instead of angry for something he did or didn't do.
Thanks Cmeinla, I think I will try those words. If this continues I think I may have worked up the courage to bring up counseling. I think we both have baggage. I know the baggage I have, I am aware of it and how it affects me. But I don't think he is aware of his baggage and how it affects him, and I don't think he realizes how it is affecting us either. Not that this is all his fault, I know it takes two to tango.
This is really helpful stuff, thank you ladies!
Two years long distance is more like 4 months. You dated the guy for four months and then got married. And now you're shocked that things are hunky dory.
This is all COMPLETELY surprising.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes