i need to vent before i crack

ilovedave

i'm sorry for all my whining and complaining lately but the stress is getting overwhelming. i was functioning with the unemployment but now with my brother's situation i'm not doing well again.  on top of it all you would never know by my responsibility load that my husband is home-and hasn't left the house in a week.  i still get up every morning with the kids, feed them 3 meals, give them baths, cook dinner, run laundry....sure he's helped fold A load of laundry, and picked up the house a little but i'm still dragging both kids out of the house every day.  and he's sleeping till at least 9 am every day when my kids are up at 6-6:30.  

at first i chalked it up to him being stressed and depressed. now i'm over it.  i'm stressed too and i need a break.  just a little help, just giving one bath, just an offer to let me leave chloe home when i take trevor to school.....something.  i'm ready to lose it on him but i just know that it'll make things worse. must. breathe.  

MrsDB

talk to him. stat.

ladyredlight

You need to wake him up, hand the kids over and say I'm leaving I need a break.  Period.

AmyRob04

Did you TELL HIM to do stuff? Sometimes you just need to tell him to get up, tell him to give the kids breakfast, tell him to do sme laundry or drive the kids to school. Rob is usually great with stuff like that but I do need to snap him out of his 'zone' and say, hey RP needs lunch, can you get it for him?

My Blue Heaven

(((HUGS))) you've gotten more than your fair share lately and for that I am so sorry.

 As for the H, I'd just announce. "OK I'm taking Trevor to school now, I'm leaving Chloe here, she's eaten Xxx and is doing xxx. I'll be back in a while." (or if that won't fly) "H can I please leave the kids with you while I go shopping?" I wouldn't wait for him to offer (much as you'd like him too) it seems to be some dumb man thing, I WOULD start asking though bf you loose it on him.

Good Luck and hang in there! G

melbride2005

He needs a good talking to and probably some direction.  You're going through this too...it's not all about him.  

ilovedave

thanks. he just got up and asked what's wrong. i said "um...my brother's in a psych ward lock down on top of our stuff".  he can't be that clueless. when he gets back from bringing the garbage to the curb -that i had to remind him to do- i'm telling him that chloe is staying here when i take trevor to school. i know sometimes you have to tell men things, but really.  they're not dumb. they're lazy and selfish. look around f-er. i'm running around and you're sitting on your ass!!!

atwood345

I remember you posting this a while back too that he's on the couch while you do everything. You need to say something right away. Its only going to get you more angry and you will explode.

Just try to tell him calmly and firmly that you understand he's going through a hard time but if he's going to be home, he needs to help you. It's both of your house, both of your kids, etc. It will help him stay functional instead of falling into a 'woe is me' funk. Maybe ask him to do the same three things every day, give the kids a bath, make lunch and one other thing. Take turns waking up in the mornings, something. His sitting on the couch and sleeping is would not fly with me for more than a day.

debfife

AmyRob04:

Did you TELL HIM to do stuff? Sometimes you just need to tell him to get up, tell him to give the kids breakfast, tell him to do sme laundry or drive the kids to school. Rob is usually great with stuff like that but I do need to snap him out of his 'zone' and say, hey RP needs lunch, can you get it for him?

I agree. you need to talk to him. He probably figures you take care of it all every day so why should his being there get in your way of your routine.

LizDP

I am so sorry. Men are pretty clueless sometimes. I just hand Anna to Matt and then he takes over... but he often needs a not-so-gentle reminder to get moving. Hang in there mama. *HUGS*

mrs.marie.g

is he job seaching? i know that ken when he got laid off was job searching NON stop. and job searching now is not as easy. they require you to fill out these online forms that are basically re inputting your resume.

as long as he's doing that. then i'd say give him a break. if not tell him to get his butt  up and either look for a job or help out

but seriously you need to talk to him. losing your job is HUGE. ken's been laid off twice and its a really hard thing to handle

Pixiestx

That's good that you are assigning things for him to do, because he probably would walk around clueless otherwise.  Just keep on talking to him calmly to reinforce the fact that 1 day of helping or a couple token gestures here an there are not enough.  Things are different and you both need to establish what his priorities are while he's home. 

mrs.marie.g

i missed the part about your brother. i am really sorry.  my dad was sick and in the hospital when ken lost his job. so i know what its like to be going through stuff while your dh is in a tough situation.  having two life situations li ke taht SUCKS and i am sorry

talk to him. sometimes they are just clueless. trust me. im sorry about your brother

penguingrrl

Talk to him and tell him how you're feeling. He needs to hear it. Don't yell or lose your temper or anything, just tell him you feel overwhelmed.

TSD

You need to tell him what you need instead of waiting for him to read your mind or find some motivation to help.

Melanie2003

when he was working, did he pitch in on the weekends?

i can certainly see saying - hey, you had a week to sulk, grieve, stress, etc - time's up. when i take trevor to school, you got chloe for an hour. you'll food shop or watch the kids while i do it. etc - start laying out what you want help with, what can be shared - what you need.

 

debfife

also, is he laying on the couch all day or is he looking for a job?

when I was out of work, looking for a job was a full time job in itself. On the days I had Genevieve in school I was at my computer applying for jobs and making calls 8 hours a day.

onedigiti

I agree with what others have suggested. You need to talk to him and let him know how he can help. MH is great help when he is home but a lot of times he falls of the track. I keep reminding him I need help. We both work and we both need to maintain the house. You don't need anymore on your plate. Good luck and hope your situation gets better.

kandygrl23

There is absolutely no way I would be dealing with that nonsense. Tell him to get up, help out, and continue looking for a job. I'm sure he's depressed about the situation, but it's time to be an adult now.

veggiechick120

i agree, you need to talk to him. dont let your feelings eat you up. i know he is depressed and feeling down on himself (mh was the same way when he lost his job) but its not an excuse when you have kids..

((hugs))

AmandaMacD

Oh sweetie.  I am so sorry.  You definitely have a lot on your plate. 

I would wait until tonight when the kids are asleep to have a talk w DH.  I would make it a conversation about how this is something you are going through together and try to figure out how you can help take some of the stress off of eachother during this difficult time.  I know you want to kick his a**, but unfortunately men don't respons how we want when we do that. 

Sending tons of prayers to you and your family.  Hang in there.

wrysmyguy

Wry lost his job in the post 9/11 economy dip and, as a man it emasulated and  devastated him. We had been married one year, Liam was 6 months old, I was working two jobs (still do). It was a tough time for us and at times we doubted that we would make it through but we did and came out stronger.

He was depressed and depressed people sleep and lack energy. I was scared. Money (specifically the lack of it) has always been a huge fear for me. What worked for us was to first admit what our fears were. We got tehm out and realized that we were a unit and needed to work together.

Next we started a new routine. I had always gotten up, dressed Liam and dropped him off  to dacare because I went past it on my way to work. I stopped dropping him off and let Wry do it. It got him up, dressed and on the road and feeling like he had something to do. For him, routine and a schedule that had pourpose were key.

Then we sat down and looked at what had to be done and divided the work fairly. Wry did the drop off and I the pick up. He did the laundry and I the cooking. I scheduled Liam's appointments and classes, he took him to them and so on.

It was a long 9 months but we got through it and you can too. Marriage = work and the best way to work is to communicate.

ilovedave

thanks for letting me vent.  i did talk to him and i left chloe home when i dropped off and picked up trevor.  it doesn't seem like a big thing but the act of dragging her along when he could easily watch her was driving me nuts.  he IS job hunting, but not ALL day.  he does stuff a little at a time and in between he's playing games on the computer or video games. meanwhile i'm still doing everything i've always done...just with more stress. he acknowledged that he probably wasn't sensitive enough to me and is (hopefully) going to step it up.

CLord

Glad that you two talked.  I remember reading an article (written by a man) about how men communicate.  The summary was-- they need us to directly tell them what we want and need.  They don't anticipate people's emotions like women do.  So, I'd just be direct.

JessiJane777

ilovedave:

thanks for letting me vent.  i did talk to him and i left chloe home when i dropped off and picked up trevor.  it doesn't seem like a big thing but the act of dragging her along when he could easily watch her was driving me nuts.  he IS job hunting, but not ALL day.  he does stuff a little at a time and in between he's playing games on the computer or video games. meanwhile i'm still doing everything i've always done...just with more stress. he acknowledged that he probably wasn't sensitive enough to me and is (hopefully) going to step it up.

That's really good!  You are human and need a break as well...You will get through this and be stronger for it.  Positive thoughts and prayers to you.