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Just left DH... still love him/need advice (super long)
First, please be nice this is my first post. I?ve been reading all of the boards for several years. I was seeking advice and trying to compare my story to others in hope that it would help. I do have a counselor, but I now have no one else to talk to regarding my marriage because the married couple/friends I was confiding in told other people and everything go back to my DH. I need some advice/help, I feel absolutely sick right now.
DH and I have been married for 3 ? years and been together for 6 ? years. I met him at work. We both still work together for a local government entity. He is in a different division and works off site, so I never see him at work.
Approximately 1 year into our marriage, he left his internet/email up and I found an email he sent in response to a personal ad that was posted on craigslist. He basically described himself and told this chick he wanted to hook up. I of course went nuts. I asked him if he had anything to tell me or if he wasn?t happy, he said no, everything is fine. I then confronted him with the email and he said he was just having some fun on the internet and got bored. He never met up with anyone and didn?t mean anything by it. I believed him! 
He kept all of his password private after that. He said I had nothing to worry about and he didn?t want a meddling wife!
Fast forward to approximately 4 months ago. I don?t know why, but I watched him put the password in to his phone and just memorized it. I know, not normal for a wife, but I just felt like I would need it. Well, he was in the shower and I had a weird gut feeling, so I checked his phone and found a text conversation back and forth from another woman. He was telling her he was the right guy to hook up with, but he could only meet up days (he worked nights at the time). She said so, nights only and he said trust him, he was worth it and wanted to make it happen. So, I confronted him with this and he just put his head down and said once again, nothing happened and he was just bored. Needless to say, I didn?t believe him this time and it made me wonder how many times this has happened that I didn?t check his phone/computer. I feel sick just writing this. He told me that I deserve better than him and he said I told you this a long time ago. He also said he wouldn?t be able to put up with this type of behavior and he would leave. He also, told me that he knows that if he did let me go/I left, he would be letting the best thing that has ever happened to him walk away. I don?t know why, but I wanted to work on this with him. I went to and I am still seeing a counselor. He hasn?t gone because he said they don?t work. He went a million times when he was a kid after his father was killed and a bunch of times after he got into a major incident and work. He said he just can?t sit in front of someone he doesn?t know and tell his life story. He is a very private person. So, I tried to apply some things/exercises that the counselor told me to try and help. I know, what everyone is thinking, why the heck did you stay. I love him and got married for forever. In the recent weeks things have been really weird between us and he has been very distant. Not emotional or physical with me at all which made me try harder and want to be with him more.
Finally, a few days ago we talked and I told him I felt like I couldn?t fix us alone and like I was pushing him away. He said I was and he thought I was moving forward after what I discovered and why was I still trying to hack into his phone (he changed the password) and I did try and look once and I guess he saw that. I said I didn?t know, but he was being distant and I felt like he was hiding something again. I said I felt like we weren?t even married and it felt like we were roommates and he agreed. I told him I was going to move out and stay with my parents for a bit so I could clear my head and give him space to figure out if he still wanted to be married. He said he thought that was a good idea. I moved out 3 days ago and my parents have been amazing. The plan was not to talk to him until he contacted me and I figured it would be several weeks. Well, I got a text this morning thanking my for confiding in my friends (married couple) and its great hearing about our love life from people that barely know his name. He said just an FYI, everything you tell them is being told to someone else, who in turn is telling him (I have no freaking clue who). He said he has enough to deal with in this situation and to now have to hear about it from people at work and deal with it there is cruel. He said thanks, it?s amazing and he would never and will never do that to me. That was the first text in 3 days! I responded with I?m sorry and I won?t say another word to them. He responded with, yeah heard that one before. I spoke with different friends about the first situation and that got back to him too. He asked me then not to speak about or personal life and I told him ok. I messed up and said something again and my actions embarrassed him in front of people at work. I?m really upset because I feel like he?s probably glad I left now, instead of missing me and wanting to work on things. I knew I shouldn?t have said anything, but I felt so alone all the time and needed comfort. Obviously, I was seeking it from the wrong friends and need to stick to my counselor! I know some of you are probably thinking I?m insane and I should have left a long time ago, but I?m still in love with him. I need some advice and what my next steps should be? Should I even try and talk to him about this or continue to try and wait for him to contact me? I don?t see my counselor until Friday and I feel desperate for some guidance.
Re: Just left DH... still love him/need advice (super long)
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I am really glad you are in counseling.
Don't feel bad for snooping -- your H already gave you every reason in the world NOT to trust him after he left his email open the first time.
Beyond that, your H is ten pounds of shiit in a five pound bag. Stop over thinking this, stop trying to communicate with him, and get angry at him. The sooner you get angry at him, and the angrier you get at him, the sooner you can learn from this experience and move on to something better. Anger is a helpful emotion sometimes, as it keeps us from getting hurt repeatedly, and unnecessarily. If someone repeatedly jabbed you in the eye and laughed as they did it, how long would you stand there asking, "Why are you doing that?" before you thought the better thing to do might be to simply walk away from that person?
Your medium- to long-term goal should be to someday look back and wonder why you ever wanted to fix this.
If you need some support in addition to the professional advice you are getting from your (hopefully professionally credentialed) counselor, this may be a good place for you. You can also check out survivinginfidelity.com. Your H was being unfaithful to you, regardless of what he says he did or didn't do with his wang.
He's cheating on you, and HE has so much to deal with now that he can't handle you confiding in your friends? Please.
I don't think you should wait for him to do anything. I think you should just get a lawyer and divorce him already. I'm not sure what exactly you love about him, because he sounds like a huge assh*le.
And do you REALLY know that he's been told anything, or is he, perhaps, making this up in order to turn the tables on you? As in - it is pretty obvious you'd turn to these friends, so he's playing the odds that he'll have "caught" you?
Even if what he's saying is the truth, and even if you are "wrong" for turning to friends to talk to - it doesn't negate what he's done. Don't lose sight of that.
But really- this seems like GREAT manipulation. Now instead of being in the power position and expecting HIM to be asking YOU for forgiveness and to take him back, your'e the one sitting here wondering when/if he'll contact you and (in a way) forgive you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Have a little faith in yourself. You left for a reason. You deserve more.
He is trying to make you feel bad about talking to your friends when you needed someone to talk to. He is trying to take your focus off of the fact that he is the one that has broken your trust and broken up the marriage. Not you.
Don't talk to him. Don't read his texts. Don't read emails. Don't take his calls. Block him. Give yourself a deadline. Maybe 2 weeks? You can re-evaluate communication when you reach that point.
Call your counselor and see if you could get an earlier appt this week.
Two things are bothering me here.
1. He keeps changing his passwords. To me, having locks on your phone, not sharing your email accounts, Facebook (whatever you use), is a red flag. If I don't feel confident that you are being faithful, and I find proof, then you promise me it won't happen again... why would you lock your phone? Why wouldn't you want to keep it unlocked (or not change the password) so you can prove to me nothing is going on. I side-eye anyone who keeps phones/emails, etc locked from spouses after they've already been caught doing something inappropriate. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about privacy, but when there is a breach of trust, all bets are off IMO.
2. So he expects you not to speak about your problems to anyone? That's ridiculous. The only reason he's upset is because it's making him look bad - and it should. He's being bad! What kind of people is he friends with / work with that would cause a scene at work? That sounds childish. I bet H is probably the one making a scene, or, saying there was a scene just to make you feel bad. Just be more careful who you share with. Perhaps a friend whom you do not share mutually?
I feel like you're being way too understanding here. Look at this for what it is - dishonesty. Take this time with your parents to really evaluate this relationship. Is it worth saving? Best of luck to you during this hard time.
He is turing this around on me and I do feel like I need to ask for forgivenss about telling my friends... and he is not making it up, he does have most of the info I told my "friends". I feel so screwed up about this. I know what he is doing is wrong. I don't know what has happend to my strenght!?!
Don't wait for his call! Please. I was in an abusive relationship years ago, and this is how it was before it turned physical. The manipulation is the worst. They do something wrong, and somehow you feel bad and apologize for calling them on it. Now, I'm not saying your DH would hit you, but that's not the point, emotional abuse is abuse.
Perhaps you can't see where this is heading, but I can. If you go back it's only a matter of time before you find proof he's hooking up with those girls... and then he'll blame it on you, and you'll give him another chance and feel even worse. The abusive ex I had asked me to marry him, and I said no because I was young, and after that he started seeing someone else, and expected we would stay together! I was just like you and wanted things to work so bad, that for awhile I just tried to win him over (this was before it turned physical) because he said it was my fault for rejecting him and pushing him away. You become addicted to the pattern of things either being great and loving because you've won them back, or the challenge of trying to get them back. I hope this isn't what's happening in your case, but it sounds like you have only left to make a point, and that makes me worry for you.
You say you're in counseling, that's great! You can do better, you only need to see that. I left my ex for good and met DH right away. From the second I met him I felt safe, and we've created a much better life together. I know his passwords, but I never feel the need to check up on him. He doesn't lock his phone, so his texts are there for all to see. If you feel the need to hide things, then it's only because there is something to hide.
Sorry for the situation you are in. Hugs!
What happened is that he has slowly eroded it over half a decade with manipulations like the thing about you confiding in your friends. That's what really bad men do.
1. Who gives a shiotttt if it got back to your h that you were confiding in other people...he is having sex with other people...that didnt concern him so much, did it?
2. you h has proven over and over that he is a lying sack of shiottt, how many time do you need it proven to you?
3. WHY do you want to be with a scumbag like this?
4. WHY do you think you deserve this?
5. WHY dont you have more respect for yourself?
6. now he twists this around and makes it your problem?
7. he wont go to counseling because he doesnt give a crap and he doesnt want anyone to hold him responsible for what HE is doing. No one will be able to be manipulated by him.....except you.
You need to tell him to get the F out now. Pack his shiot up and tell him to leave.]
There is no fixing this.
It turns out that you chose the wrong friends to talk to. Do you have a friend that is not friends with him that you can trust?
Can we put this all into perspective here?
He cheated on you. He lied to you. He tried to cover up his actions. He made you feel worthless.
You told someone something that happened.
Which is worse?
But of course you're going to want to talk to someone. This concept that you arent allowed to talk to anyone is ridiculous. He is exhibiting VERY questionable behavior and of course you're going to want to talk it out.
On that front - I don't know how quick I would be to "ask for his forgiveness". I don't know what there really is to forgive! Maybe who you chose, but not the fact taht you talked.
That's really my issue with this- he's turning the tables on you to lessen the impact of HIS actions. Don't let him do this. He may very well be cheating, and if this marriage is over, then it is HIS FAULT. Not yours.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You have done nothing wrong. If hadn't cheated on you, then you wouldn't have had anything to talk to your friends about. Yes, you shouldn't air your dirty laundry to the general public, but you're not the one who sh!t the bed, he is.
He's embarassed that people found out, but I'll bet you plenty that he doesn't feel bad that he did it. Especially if you talked to another friend about it the first time it happened and he found out. The guy hasn't learned his lesson... what makes you think this time will be different?
You're out. That's the hardest part. Now you need to stay out. Do not talk to him. Do not let him contact you. You need to talk to your therapist about absolutely everything and tell him/her that you're tempted to go back. It sounds like you already know that that wouldn't be the right decision. So surround yourself with your friends and family who, by the way, also absolutely will not want you going back to this guy if they care about you, and stay strong.
This. He seems like a total d-bag.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Oh honey. He's really done a number on you, hasn't he?
How dare he say he "would never do that to you." You would never have looked for strange on Craigslist but that sure as hell didn't stop him did it?
You need to get angry. He's treated you terribly. He doesn't care about your feelings or your health or well-being and has put you at risk. Please if you haven't already, go get an STD test.
It's great that you are committed to your marriage and love your husband but you're absolutely right that you can't save this on your own. He's a jerk who has been manipulating you for years. You deserve better than that.
And while, yes, you shouldn't have discussed your marital problems with friends, that's really a lesser issue here compared to his actions. It's like him getting mad at you for leaving the car unlocked after he totaled it, set it on fire and pissed on it. He's trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad.
Tell your counselor at your next appointment that you want to focus more on yourself and your healing and not on your marriage anymore.
ETA: And just for the record, I think you're totally justified in talking to friends and looking for support here, I mean more that in a healthy relationship, it's not good to talk about your marital problems outside of the relationship like that. Although I do think that, while you deserve support from friends, you'd be better off in confiding in friends who would keep your confidence.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Everyone's words are making me feel better, thank you. I felt so sick after reading that text. I was devastated. I still feel very so very sad. My counselor?s secretary said she will call me if they have any cancelations.
Are you kidding me? Why are you the one feeling bad right now? He cheated on you! He had been having sexualized relationships online with various women, and likely in person as well. and you're worried about him feeling bad because you confided in someone? or because you found him out by snooping? Don't let him turn this around on you. The problem in your marriage is the fact that he had these other relationships in the first place. He is disrespecting you in the worst possible way, and multiple time. It's one thing to accept his forgiveness once but what has he done to change his behaviour? sounds like nothing.
I would get out of this relationship. He's bringing you so far down that you're actually begging for HIS forgiveness.
You weren't in the wrong. You're in a bad situation, with someone who has undermined your confidence in your own judgment, and needed an outside perspective and a support network. Shame on them for telling him, if they really did (which I'm not completely convinced of). Shame on him for there being something for you to tell. No shame on you, none at all.
Do you see what is so f'd up about this situation from your statement?
You felt like you were wrong for talking to people about HIM being unfaithful, and hies having sex with other women and he has no concerns about you.
Do you see how your thinking has become warped?
Well he would have most of the info since he's the other half of the marriage right? It doesn't take too much for a good manipulator to bs something like that. I would talk to your friends and find out what's up and find someone more trustworthy to talk to.
Have you gotten an STD test or can you schedule one? I know you don't have any proof he's actually done anything physical but I wouldn't take that chance if I were you.
It's okay to be sad and lonely and hurt but you have to find faith in yourself and strength to stand up for yourself. You can get through this and get to something good.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
You did nothing wrong
You did nothing wrong
You did nothing wrong
He is a terrible terrible person and there is no future here and please please get checked for STDs. You have no idea how many people he has been with.
How do you know that your friends really talked to others about his actions. How do you know he wasn't just testing you to see if you did say something ?
Yuck your husband sounds like a complete and utter shyt-sandwich. Get yourself tested for STD's. Throw his shyt on out the lawn in trash bags. Change the locks. He'll get the picture when he comes back.
You did nothing wrong. This lying sack-o-scum has been doing you wrong for most likely he entirety of your marriage. Eff him and the horse he road in on, the lying fook.
ETA & PS- Alright nest, why are you making it hard for us to use the F-word? You have even taken away our ability to use V in place of U? Stupid nanny state! *brandishes fist*
I agree with the others who said he sounds emotionally abusive. You have done nothing, absolutely nothing wrong. I am not a fan of airing arguments and dirty laundry outside the marriage, but he tried to get sex outside the marriage so he no longer deserves that courtesy. You should not be alone. You should be able to reach out to friends and family for emotional support and opinions: if dh ever did this you can bet my closest friends would know what a scumbag dirtbag I thought he was within minutes. They're your friends and you deserve their support (although they shouldn't be airing this all over town either)
You deserve better than this and however you need to get through it is ok, confusing in friends included.
I also have to ask, based On the details of your post if your Stbx is in law wnf
I agree with the others who said he sounds emotionally abusive. You have done nothing, absolutely nothing wrong. I am not a fan of airing arguments and dirty laundry outside the marriage, but he tried to get sex outside the marriage so he no longer deserves that courtesy. You should not be alone. You should be able to reach out to friends and family for emotional support and opinions: if dh ever did this you can bet my closest friends would know what a scumbag dirtbag I thought he was within minutes. They're your friends and you deserve their support (although they shouldn't be airing this all over town either)
You deserve better than this and however you need to get through it is ok, confusing in friends included.
I also have to ask, based On the details of your post if your Stbx is in law enforcement. I work with a lot of LEOs and this seems to be very common, cheating or seeking attention without regret. Of course not everyone does it but it certainly seems disproportionately prevalent and I can tell you from seeing it, it doesn't get better. Run.
He said he just can?t sit in front of someone he doesn?t know and tell his life story. He is a very private person.
Is he really? He described himself in detail to some internet chick stranger and wanted to hook up; that's how private and personal he is when it comes to an utter stranger.
Do the right thing for yourself; get rid of this cheating scuzz. He isn't worth your big toe.
Sorry for your troubles; good luck.
I don't really have anything to say that hasn't already been said by PPs, but I feel the need to reiterate a couple points. I hope if you hear it enough, you will believe it.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
HE chose to behave innappropriately, it is HIS fault that he is embarrassed by other people knowing the situation- he SHOULD be embarrassed, because he treated you with no regard or respect.
Honestly, this man does NOT care enough about you to treat you with respect and decency. He has been unfaithful, dishonest, manipulative, and disrespectful to you. Think about that. Really, really think about all those things. I don't care what his positive attributes are, because all of the things I just listed negate anything there could be to like about this man.
Recognize that the hardest part is leaving, and you have already done that. You ARE strong, but this selfish man has tried to convince you otherwise. Don't give him the power to do that to you by going back to him. You deserve so, so much better.