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What happened?
Hi, I normally don't post much here but read the posts pretty often. But I hope you guys can help me with something whatever it is. My father treats me like I'm 15 and I don't know why I'm almost 25 years old I graduated with my Master's degree last month, and I'm looking for job right now. I'm married and have a son. I can't say anything to him or my mom without him saying something mean as if to hurt me. I love him and he has always been a great father, and yes he always had things to say but now it's getting to the point where I can't have a normal conversation with him. His brother passed away due to a car accident about four months ago and I've noticed he's changed since then. He's mean and hurtful now. I miss my dad, and I want him back. I'm literally crying as I write this because I'm hurt. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I know he needs help but I know he won't do it.
TIA
Re: What happened?
When he says something hurtful, you need to say "that's a really hurtful statement." And walk away and disengage. You could also say something like "you've been treating me very poorly lately, and I don't appreciate it."
I have to say, my mom has a very controlling personality (due to her own issues), and she was very controlling with me until....I set up boundries and stopped talking to her about things, and stopped allowing myself to be "swayed" by her unsolicited advice. Truly, boundries (on my part) improved our relationship 10x
Did your dad pay for your graduate studies? If yes, that might be why he still treats you like a child.
I went through something similar with my father years ago after my sister died.
He became very irritable and unpleasant to be around. A number of his golf friends "dropped" him around the time she died. They were going through their own issues- 2 were divorcing, one was retiring/moving and a couple had some lawsuit stuff going on. This exacerbated his crankiness. He tries more now, but lives a distance away, so it's hard. It's like I lost both my sister and father.
We did talk about it a bit, but in the end, our relationship never fully recovered because he never has. Her death aged him about 20 years
If all of this truly started once your uncle died, then if your dad insults you in a conversation I would quietly and calmly say, "Dad, you just haven't been the same since Uncle Steve died and I'm really worried about you. You've been saying really hurtful things to me and it's very hard to deal with. I think it might be helpful if you talked to your doctor or a therapist about all this."
Be prepared for him to refuse, though. In which case, I would just try and limit what you say around him ... don't bring up controversial topics, don't bring up the little details of your life that don't concern him. Stick to the need-to-know information. And if he's insulting, calmly say, "Dad, there's no need to be hurtful. Stop it or I'll leave." If you're speaking to your mother and he pipes in with something hurtful, say, "Dad, I am speaking to Mom right now. There's no need to interrupt, especially with such a hurtful statement. I wouldn't do that to you." If he won't knock it off, get your baby and quietly leave. Limit your visits to his house after that, or stop all together if he just won't cut it out. If he wants to know why, simply say, "I love you but I'm not going to be treated so badly. If you want to visit with us again then you need to be respectful." Then hang up the phone.
And like a PP said, if you're dependent on him for ANYTHING - tuition, cell phone, housing, whatever - cut those ties ASAP and finance it yourself.