How do you deal with the fallout of severing a toxic person/ relationship

Melanie2003

An event this morning put a serious twist on things and Dh and I agreed to sever a relationship which will include 4 people specifically. 

But really it goes further as it will affect family holiday and birthday get togethers and it's not exactly fair to my ILs to put them in the middle, but we will be unable to join them for anything these severed people are at because we are not in the place to smile and be polite to them and make small talk.This is very fresh,  but I don't see a major change nor can we accept an apology and move on. 

I feel bad for the extra people who get caught up in this. How do you deal with that?

kandygrl23

Uggghhh this doesn't sound good at all...I'm sorry you guys are dealing with this:(

Honestly, I would wait a little while to tackle this question. As you said, it's still fresh. I know you mentioned that you do not see things changing, but it does seem too soon to be diving into this question. You may end up with a different way to deal with it as each situation arises. I know this isn't incredibly helpful, but without knowing a bit more, it's hard to answer. Good luck to you guys with all of this.

Kristen81603

kandygrl23:

Uggghhh this doesn't sound good at all...I'm sorry you guys are dealing with this:(

Honestly, I would wait a little while to tackle this question. As you said, it's still fresh. I know you mentioned that you do not see things changing, but it does seem too soon to be diving into this question. You may end up with a different way to deal with it as each situation arises. I know this isn't incredibly helpful, but without knowing a bit more, it's hard to answer. Good luck to you guys with all of this.

I agree- I would tackle it when the first event arises- can you speak to your ILs and see what they think? I am sorry, this sounds bad. HUGS! 

TSD

We just ask if these people are going to be there. If so we decline. We say "you're welcome to invite whomever you choose. We'd never ask you not to invite xy & z. But it's on us to not want to be around them so we politely decline. In my case it's my sister & father so I def understand what extremely uncomfortable is and people have gotten angry that we can't just "suck it up" and attend but I'm not much of a people pleaser & refuse to be put in an uncomfortable position. If they want to see us that badly it can be on another day. Good luck

Aalliep

I have severed all ties to my mother.  Now she still attends events that one of my sister hosts.  After last year's party where she called me a "little f@ck" in front of everyone, I made it quite clear to my sister that although I would love to attend any event she is hosting, I will never attend if my "mother" is there.  Point taken.

Cross that bridge when you come to it.  Then do what you have to do for you and your family.  What anyone else thinks is irrelevant. 

AmyRob04

We haven't spoke to my parents or my brother since June and I highly doubt we will speak to them again in the near future, if ever. My older sister has hosted a few things since for ER kids andi ask if anyofthem will be there. So far, she has not invited us tothe same events but I'm surest some point she will. We'll delwithtthen.i did decline a bridal shower invite because I knew my mother would be there, and we're skipping that wedding. For now, my absence s how I'm dealing with it. I'm sorry,it sucks.

Allison711

I don't speak to my brother or SIL so I won't put myself or kids in a position to be around his family.  We skip all family events that they are invited to.  Sucks but what can you do.  I host a few things at my house during the year that I see my extended family at but other than that people who want to see me know how to find me.  So far no one reaches out so that's an indication of what a "close" family we have.

TSD

For me, it more sucks that I have such a-holes related to me. But not going to events has been great for me- no obligations, no uncomfortable feelings, no fights or hearing someone say nasty stuff under their breath. It's been pretty freeing and nice actually.

MrsDB

Avoid things as politely as possible, include the ones you want to include in your celebrations, and once some time passes, reinvolve yourselves in family events that include them- and just stay away. Once time has allowed the wounds to scab over, it should be easier to be in their presence. You don't need to make small talk, you just talk to the other people there.

When it comes to christmas or whatever, consider hosting the next weekend so you can still celebrate with the people you love without having to make them choose between functions. All you can do is make it painless for them- and that means not making them feel like they have to make choices between people, providing an alternate that allows them to see everyone is a good way to avoid that position.