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Trouble with MIL and Hubby (a little long)
Hi Girls, 
I'm new to the boards and need a bit of advice if you all can help. I'm having a great deal of trouble with both my husband and MIL.
Let me start out...things have never been completely smooth with his mother. She is a very negative person....I don't think I've heard her say a kind word about anyone really. She talks about EVERYONE in the family and constantly boasts she is this amazing woman.
Before my husband proposed to me..his mother started personally attacking me which was terrible and I called her out on it. She apologized but I didn't feel it was a very warm apology. She started doing better...but then after we got married two months ago...she started back up again.
My husband doesn't like confrontation...and I am struggling here. I just don't want to see the woman and over the weekend actually told my husband to go to his families and I will go to mine cause mentally I couldn't deal with the abuse.
He agrees she is terrible but feels me staying away will make it worse. I understand his reasoning but I don't want to put myself in the situation. I've treated her with nothing but respect.
I honestly have lost all respect for her and starting to lose respect for my husband. He is supposed to stand by me..not throw me to the wolves.
HELP!!!
Re: Trouble with MIL and Hubby (a little long)
Will your husband at least agree to leaving with you if she is rude?
What types of things does your MIL say?
Are you comfortable saying something yourself since your husband won't?
Well, most people don't like confrontation. You didn't call his mom out for fun, did you? He needs to grow up and accept that sometimes adults have to do unpleasant things.
It will be worse for him. But it will make things infinitely better for you. Ask him why he doesn't think you deserve to be treated with basic human decency.And yeah... nothing will be better for YOU, who is getting the brunt of her abuse.
Don't go. And I'm not surprised you're losing respect for him. Maybe he needs to know that.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Hell yeah!
Wonder if lover boy would feel the same if it were him being disrespected??
Thank you all!! I know some of you said try for my husband and tell myself it is his mother...but it is so hard for me right now. I have so much anger in me...
You know...I haven't asked him that, if he would leave with me if she is rude. That is a really good idea.
He did mention last time that he would sit next to me...cause whenever he isn't there..she says something.
I know someone asked what she said to me...
One of the instances is where we invited all our family to watch football at a bar together. I went to use the bathroom and she was right behind me. I get into the stall and she yells "OH GREAT!! You have such a fatass..now my grandchildren are going to have fat asses." I pretended to ignore her. Then when I got out to wash my hands she repeated it to my face. So she blatantly waited so I could hear her talk again. So I washed my hands not saying a word and left the bathroom. So hurtful..then she went on later to personally attack my mom and I wasn't rude but told her how hurtful what she said was etc.
If that doesn't tell you how evil this woman is...I don't know what else to say.
I think I'm more hurt because throughout our relationship I've stood up for us even with my family...and when something was done approached my parents about how inappropriate something was etc. I just feel like he is failing me miserably.....
He was appalled at what she said and was hurt. He said how sorry he was and he said he couldn't believe she said that. His response to his mother was nothing...he just said that we wouldn't go over for a while...and we didn't for a month or so.
I told him...how does that help anything..how does she know how wrong she was if no one tells her? He felt she would get the hint.
All his brothers stood up for his mother saying...oh she says stuff like that and that I was being too sensitive...but I'm sure if it was their girlfriend...they would think differently.
The kicker too is she was asking me the last few times we were over when I'm getting off birth control so I can pop out a baby.
Yeah...let me bring a child into this hell I'm living right now....DON"T THINK SO!!
Your husband needs to grow a pair. No one in his family should disrespect you like that nor should you be asked to tolerate it. Yes, you going to her house makes it easier for him. But what about you? Your husband actually wants you to sit there with a woman who has been verbally abusive to you and will continue to unless he sits right next to you? Not just no, but hell no.
Your husband needs to tell his mom that this behavior is to stop right now. With the way she sounds, I doubt she will. He needs to figure out what is more important- his crazy mother or his wife.
I think you are out of your mind if you stap another foot in that house!
Tell your H unless he learns how to stand up to mommy dearest you wont be visiting.
Just because you are married to him does not mean his mother has the right to disrespect you and act like a total bitoch
If my MIL told me that I have a fat azz and used those words I would NOT ignore her. Why would you do that? You could have said "How rude and nasty!" - "You are not allowed to speak to me that way" or my favorite - "FU sideways"
Neither you nor your H are dealing with this well.
Well...at the time she said it I was so shocked and hurt. I thought honestly the best thing to do was walk away from her before I told her off being it was his mother.
I agree not handling things the way they should be but at the time was trying to be respectful.
Your dh needs to learn that someone if someone is going to be unhappy, it is going to be his mom or him, because it's not going to be you.
I would not go to his mom's house. You can tell your H to tell his mom that because she was so disrespectful, he TOLD you not to go and put up with her boorishness. And that unless she improves, she will be seeing less of him and the both of you.
I would also not tell MIL "how hurt" she is making you. That just lets her know her bad behavior is working. I would tell her "I don't appreciate your rudeness."
From my own experience, dh's stepmom was very rude to him and me (it wasn't personal to me, she hated all of FILs children and their spouses). I finally told dh I had enough of her and would not be visiting. HE was free to visit his dad and stepmom as much as he wanted - alone (I would go to Christmas, Father's day and FILS birthday). Guess what? Less than one holiday after I put this into practice, DH cut his dad off b/c he couldn't stand his stepmom without me there.
If she asks you why you don't come over, I would tell her you are very busy and have other ways to spend your time. Don't act like you are "afraid" of her, but like her house is boring and you can't be bothered.
When the animosity began, he should have made certain she cut it out -- and when you saw that he couldn't stand up to her, you should have cut your losses and moved on.
A guy who won't stand by his wife is no man at all.
Was she drunk? I'm serious. You were in a bar and that is the strangest, weirdest insult to repeat 2 times. I mean, fatass, who says that? Are you seriously *hurt* that a grown asss woman uses that kind of language and judgement in a bathroom?
I think you are giving her way too much power to give a sh!t about what she says. It reflects poorly on her, not you. And feel free to skip any and all invistations to her home. Again, if she gets more aggitated because you don't want to be around her, that's on her NOT YOU. Live you life.
Obviously.
Please do not have children with a man who thinks it is worse to keep away from a woman who insults his wife. The minute your DH stands up to her and tells her under no uncertain terms it will not be tolerated is when she will get the message. Oh, she will bad mouth you to others, but to your face and his she will learn to be polite. No consequences means continues to do what she wants and let others think she is allowed to be rude.
This exactly. I'd be honest and say "That is a very cruel thing to say to someone." and I'd make sure to say it in front of everyone. Or, "Why do you say such cruel things?" Even better, "I won't take verbal abuse like that." It's about time someone calls her on her behavior.
I'd tell DH flat out, "The next time we are around your family and your mom says something hurtful and rude, I'm leaving." And then actually leave. She says something rude, you tell her it is rude and you won't accept someone treating you like that, and you leave. No hesitation, no nicey-nice.
Your DH needs to stand up for you, if he doesn't I would not have children with him.
What happens when you do have children and your MIL walks up to them and says "You have your mothers fat ass", or something like that? When is enough enough?
I do not like the way my BIL treats certain people, I tolerate him when there is a big family event but DH and I have left on more then 1 occasion because of the way he treats others. He has never been rude to me but he can treat my DH, MIL, and FIL like crap and they take it. I will not stand for it. BIL has never been allowed at our place and he never will be!
My favorite Dr. Phil-ism, "You teach people how to treat you." She can insult anyone she wants, but when she insults you, put a stop to it. Respond that it was rude, leave the room, go home, whatever. But stop teaching her that it's okay to insult you.
I'd be rethinking my marriage if I was in your shoes. Your husband should a.) understand you won't be visiting MIL and leave it at that or b.) stand up to his mother and make it clear she treats you with respect.
While I don't have those issues with my MIL, my husband would never stand for anyone being blatantly rude to me (to my face or behind my back) as I would never stand for anyone saying/being rude to my husband. You should come first to each other over anyone else when it comes to issues like that.
LOL if he didn't stand up to her before you got married why did you assume he would after you got married? 2 months in and losing respect. awesome.
either your dh stands up to her and has your back or your life will continue this way. good luck. he doesnt like confrontation?! is he 5?!?!!?! too bad if he doesnt like it. we all have things in life we dont like but part of being an adult is doing them and doing what's right by our spouse.
give him an ultimatum. stand up for you or you leave.
I don't understand why you think this woman deserves your respect.
If I were you, I would either have gotten in her face a bit in the bathroom and told her off, or gone out from the bathroom, waited until she was back too, and then put her on the spot. "Oh, MIL, why don't you share with everyone the funny thing you said to me in the bathroom just now?" If she hedges, then tell everyone.
She is a bully and you are letting yourself be bullied. Your H sucks but at this point I would stand up for myself. I would also never give her the chance to get you alone. If you are going to the bathroom and she starts to go too, stop partway and say that you forgot you have to make a phone call, or whatever.
Oh I feel your frustration and your pain and if you don't stop it now look out. I did not and nor did my husband back me up and here it is 28 years later and no change.
You at least have the opportunity to respond to her face the moment she makes these hurtful remarks. My family was not. Ours was more of a showing of favortism of my husband's sister's family over his which cause my daughter over the years to not be close (now 26 years old but started on day one). My advise is the next time your MIL makes you feel disrespected, hurt etc reply in a very shocked and diplomatic way (nicely) "Excuse me but please do not disrepect me with your nasty, inappropriate and fowl words" or "Does your son know you say nasty things like this" and add "I am so glad he did not learn that bad habit from you. Then walk away with your head held high as to not give her a chance to respond. Coming over as a confident mature adult with keeping your tone of voice normal kills it for her dead in it's track. By being quite and taking it to prevent a scene or fear of risking hurting your MIL"s feelings or that she will complain to her son is just going to give her power over you to continue and let it eat away at you. If you have to be in the same place as her try not to get into a situation where your alone with her. A good way to also stop her or embarass her to feel how wrong this is would be the next time your together and she starts up make sure you are both in a room of people (preferably family and your husband but any group will do). If that day should arrive and she starts whispering nasty comments or verbally abuses you then in a loud enough voice so people can hear and stop to listen reply to your MIL in a shocked but very loud tone of voice and repeat in a form of a question what she said to you like your in disbelief that such words would even come out of her mouth - "EXCUSE ME WHAT DID YOU CALL ME A ___________? WHAT ABOUT MY_________________? Keep it up until the room is totally focus on you and her and she can not deny or excuse herself out of it. (yes it will cause a scene but one that will be in your favor). Yes she will be angry at you as to how dare you raise your voice at her and if she does loudly respond that you would have had to if she did not treat you with no respect and were not rude to you but I doubt she will say anything. She will be so embarassed and shocked that you stood up to her it should leave her with nothing to say but to find a way to get out of the room as she feels all eyes on her. But you have to repeat word for word what she said or she will turn it on you and deny it. This will kill the power she had over you that you help keep it a secret. Now out in the open it should stop this bad behavior of hers. And if your husband is in the room that just extra icing. Because it may take him witnessing her bad treatment of you for him to step up like my husband finally did.
You see in my situation his parents favored his sisters and their families over their son (meaning our family) It was not that way in the beginning and I had a great relationship with his mom until the sister's got married and grandkids started to show up. His oldest sister had the first one and naturally they spoiled him but then the sister took advantage of them and would come over and drop her kids off stay for a few moments and then leave with her husband to go out with friends leaving her kids there sometimes all day and all night. It happened so much they got babsitters burn out. When our daughter was born (we leave out of state) they never would come and visit we had to go there and when there we stayed with my parents because they had more room which upset his parents but it was not like we did not spend alot of time with them and our daughter and my MIL would complain so we would go over so she can see her granddaughter only for her to hold her for all about 5 minutes but her down in front of blocks or something and walk away and ignore her the rest of the time. My husband noticed that to but did not say anything. Then we would go back to my parents house after a few hours. This would happen each time we were together. My parents on the other hand would play with her, read to her, give her a bath, take her on walks and make plans to go somewhere as a group. And my parents would come down several times a year just to see their granddaughter and us. They even bought a condo just so it would not inconvenience us have them stay but we did not care. They taught her to swim and everything. Then his parents moved to our town about 4 miles away but mine did not move here for another 7 years. During those years our daughter was between the ages of 2 - 8. Never have they offered to babysit or take our daughter anywhere. If we did something it was all together and we paid for everyone. They even stayed with us for 2 months until the closing of their house. No offer to cook or help out or even watch our daughter to save on daycare or read to her at night. No real affectionate bonding. Come to learn my MIL was raised by a nanny and spent little time with her parents as they were on the road alot, which explained what I called fake affection. I have not doubt that they loved their granddaughter and son and me but they were clueless as to how to have a close relationship with us. So as the years went by I made excuses for their odd behavior but the favoritism got worse when the sister's started to mooch off them by borrowing 10's of thousands of dollars without repaying it because their husbands were losers and would not get decent jobs or get fired and unfortunately their kids grew with the same selfish thinking they are all deserving but did not want to work for anything no respect never called or visited their grandparents nothing and yet they would do anything for them and still nothing for their own son and granddaughter. During that time when my parents retired and moved here my daughter did not care about the favortism anymore because she had grandparents that loved her and spent quality time with her and enjoyed and celebrated in all her accomplishments while the others would not be as openingly deplaying their affection or how proud they were of her. Out of all 5 grandchildren (one still in school) our daughter was the only one to go to college graduate top 5 in her class and landed a great job which she is slowly moving up in management. Each time she got a promotion my family would go crazy with joy. My inlaw would comment well is it about time or when will you be a VP or CEO. She is only 26 give her time you idiots. In other words nothing she ever did in her life - straight A student throughout school, volunteered in the community, girl scouts, won championships in national ice skating competitions and in other group sports, never in trouble, very mature and polite, met a great man, got married before having kids (not like one of their daughters) and still never what my daughter claims was good enough in their eyes. I finally had to tell her that is the way they are and it has nothing to do with you. So over the last few years my MIL would start complaining to my FIL about how we and our daughter would not call them or do things for them at a drop of a hat etc. that she had to ask the loser husbands who did not really know how to fix things instead of their son because he was busy supporting his family running a very successful business which also made his sister's jealous and angry that we would not hire them. Anyway wait finally woke my husband up was this past thanksgiving when his mother in front of him our daughter, my mom and me that we were not invited because his sister (who moved to texas) was coming and she wanted to have her sons girlfriends over for the holiday. Now I host every christmas and easter and alternate Thanksgiving. I was about to invite everyone for thanksgiving when she announched how my family (which includes her son) were not invited because she can no longer handle more then 10 people. We were all shocked when I always have to have 18 sometimes up to 24 over because at the last minute my MIL would ask if so so has no family down can they come and I would never deny that even so I had no clue who they were. But it hurt me deeply it hurt my daughter who is pregnant with their first great grandson. The rude way she did it was so shocking that her other daughter had to ask if she was invited and without skipping a beat my MIL turned and said of course your family is, which just added to the hurt. My son in law was so upset that my MIL did this he immediately called his parents and told them of the situation and without hesitating his mother had him hand the phone to me and she invited my mom and my family only to thanksgiving with them. I was nervous because we really were not that close yet but this would help break the ice more. Well we had a super great time more so then would ever did at my in laws house and the food was awesome enough for 50 people and we were only 12. We took every opportunity to tell my MIL (including my husband) what a great time we had. Then we leard that one of nephews and his girlfriend never showed at my MIL's thanksgiving and the other one's girlfriend only came after dinner so there was only 8 people for dinner instead of 11. And nobody likes her stuffing anyway so it was a blessing. Then I had my daughter's inlaws over our house for Christmas along with my entire family including my MIL totaling 26 people and I had fun and purposely did not spend any quality time with my MIL. Nobody really did. But her ways did not stop then. Last month she started complaining about our daughter never inviting her to see the house they bought (nobody really has been because they have been to busy) We only had dinner there once and there two other times helping them do things in the house. My daughter did invite my MIL over for coffee and cake to see the house but it was at night and she made an excuse she did not want to drive at night. Whatever she does to her daughter's house. My daughter is so fed up that she is going to wait and see how my MIL treat's that soon to be first great grandson and if history repeats itself then it will be their loss. My husband finally stood up to them to stop bagering our daughter and guilting her when they never did anything for her to even remotely feel special in their eyes and now they had the nerve to complain when they never invite just them over either never call them only complain that our daughter and their son never calls them. What do we live in the dark ages. If you want to talk to any of us pick up the phone. They have nothing to do all day they are retired and do not have a social life and the rest of us are busy working etc. He even told them that don't always count on us to be here doing the holidays either (another dig) now that our daughter's in laws would like us and my mom over (my mom has had them over her house a few times) and my MIL never did. Even my brother told us to come more often with mom and the kids up to Vermont instead so that is what we may start to do and my MIL can spend the holidays with either the daughter here that does not cook or the other one who lives in Texas and does not care or ever calls her parents unless she needs money. She made her bed now she can sleep in it. The funny thing is my husband told his father that if ever you need something we will be here for you but don't expect my wife (even so I would and he knows it) take you in and be your nurse when it is time you can go live with your daughter's. He said that only to make he see that thanks to Mom you ruined a once great and close relationship with me. Now they are trying to change but the damage is very deep. But time will tell and the biggest thing will be to see how they treat my daughter and their new great grandson. If they do improve then my daughter and I will erase all the bad memories and start over on a clean slate with them. They blow it their loss.
Good luck. Like I said now is the time to nip your issues with the inlaws as it only gets worse if you let them continue to walk all over you. Your not a doormat you are and adult who loves and takes care of their son. Be civil and kind and never stoop to their bad habits. Let others and your husband see their true colors and see how with no fault on your part they do the nasty things they do for no reason other then to hurt. And that my dear Kristen is very rude, wrong and not how families should treat one another. We started using that TOUGH LOVE attitude and refuse to put up with it anymore and it finally worked. Only wished we did this 27 years ago. God bless and don't let your inlaws get the better of you. Don't take it personally and don't let their bad habits stress you out. Roll their hurtful words off your shoulders and down your back to release yourself of their control.