Not sure what to do in this kid situation - longish

Melanie2003

Ava loves her dance class. She's had the same teacher and assistant teacher for both years. They are sweet women, very soft spoken - totally gentle, awesome for these little girls.

Two weeks ago, Ava came out and told me that Mrs. S had to yell at M and M got in trouble a few times. She never heard Mrs. S yell before.

I like M's mom - we chit chat most weeks, but M is aggressive. I see it while the girls on waiting on the bench to enter class. I chalked it up to being 4-5yrs old, but her personality/behavior is more aggressive than other kids in the class. She rubs me the wrong way, but we see her for an hour each week and she doesn't physically touch my kid.

Last week, all the girls came out of class very sullen. they usually bounce down the hallway. i asked ava if she was ok - she nodded slowly. i asked if she was tired, she nodded again. then the mom next to me started asking her kid what's wrong - and we looked at eachother, since it was obvious something was going on.

outside the studio, a few moms stopped with their daughters to discuss this weird behavior. we got out of the kids that Mrs. S had to yell, that M was not listening and horsing around with her bestie again, that neither girl pays attention and it seems to ruin the nice orderly fashion of this class. M wouldn't stop playing with her skirt so she had to leave it to the side, but she didn't seem to care about her punishment. Mrs. S yelling is probably jarring because she is so quiet and sweet and gentle.

I called the studio office and the woman knew exactly what i was talking about when i said i had a feeling this was about M and I don't want that to ruin Ava's experience and joy at attending class. She said she'd speak to the teacher, assistant and owner and someone would get back to me.

I waited until Thursday and emailed the owner since I never got a call back. She responded that she spoke to the teachers and they have no idea what i'm talking about - all the girls were fine. Mrs. S never needed to raise her voice, no one acted out. she'll call me after class this week to check in.

I fully understand that monthly tuition is on the owner's mind - she doesn't want to lose the business of two kids who disrupt the class, but I am concerned that Ava will not like going if it continues. And forget "not like" - I shouldn't be paying for anything that makes my kid uncomfortable, or that the full lesson isn't taught because two kids take too much time to deal with in between each segment of it.

I trust Ava, she's not a tattler, and the other girls have been telling their mother's similar stories apart from when we all met after class outside. It wasn't like we planted an idea and the kids ran with it - these girls have been telling their moms for a few weeks about M's antics and her little buddy that follows along.

I have no clue how to proceed with this. I find it unfair to the class that one little sh!t is making it unpleasant.

 

Pixiestx

I'd talk to the teacher because it sounds like you'll get a different story from her. She might not be able to go into great detail, but you might be able to get a feel for what they are doing about it. I'd also encourage the other moms to talk to the teacher/owners about it, if they haven't already,since that will make a bigger impact. 

kmslwsmrs

Although I totally understand not wanting to ruin Ava's experience at dance, this is a part of life and she's going to have to deal with situations just like this one all through school.  It is unfair to the class to have to take time out to deal with the one child, but aside from throwing the kid out of class, there's not much to do.  You'd hope with two teachers in the class, one would take the bothersome kid aside and the other would keep the class going to not disrupt the entire class, but it doesn't seem that way.  Instead of focusing on what's ruining the class, maybe try talking to Ava about what she can do if that person continues to get in trouble...maybe even have Ava talk to the kid about not doing what they're doing...sometimes kids listen to other kids better than adults, but that all depends on her personality.  Not putting Ava in the position to tell the kids what to do, but if she's involved and then backs away when the other child is doing something wrong, maybe she can tell the kid why she's backing away and they might understand.  I hope this is coming out right....I've had to deal with this a bunch of times, one kid seemingly ruining things for everyone else, and it did help to teach M what to do in the situation to not let it affect her at all.

Melanie2003

It's so hard to reach the teacher - the assistant brings the kids in class and the out, the teacher remains inside and I rarely see her. I'll have to reach out to her this week.

Pixiestx

kmslwsmrs:

Although I totally understand not wanting to ruin Ava's experience at dance, this is a part of life and she's going to have to deal with situations just like this one all through school.  It is unfair to the class to have to take time out to deal with the one child, but aside from throwing the kid out of class, there's not much to do.  You'd hope with two teachers in the class, one would take the bothersome kid aside and the other would keep the class going to not disrupt the entire class, but it doesn't seem that way.  Instead of focusing on what's ruining the class, maybe try talking to Ava about what she can do if that person continues to get in trouble...maybe even have Ava talk to the kid about not doing what they're doing...sometimes kids listen to other kids better than adults, but that all depends on her personality.  Not putting Ava in the position to tell the kids what to do, but if she's involved and then backs away when the other child is doing something wrong, maybe she can tell the kid why she's backing away and they might understand.  I hope this is coming out right....I've had to deal with this a bunch of times, one kid seemingly ruining things for everyone else, and it did help to teach M what to do in the situation to not let it affect her at all.

See I still think that talking to the teacher is necessary, b/c the teacher should be aware of how the girls are affected by the yelling.

junebug1

apparently this will be the story of our lives for the next 18 years, according to anyone i know with a school aged child. the group suffers because of one. i was just discussing it yesterday.  there's a child with a severe anger management issue in my friend's son's class.  the school refuses to remove this child from school/class, so he now has an aide with him - basically a body guard to prevent this child (age 10) from hurting the other children.  my friend's son's grades have suffered because of this child.  yet, noone is willing to fix the real problem... 

i have no idea what you should do.  my daughter wouldn't be too upset about another child being repremanded in class, but if she was, I'd probably find another school...

mbcdefg

Although I totally understand not wanting to ruin Ava's experience at dance, this is a part of life and she's going to have to deal with situations just like this one all through school. It is unfair to the class to have to take time out to deal with the one child, but aside from throwing the kid out of class, there's not much to do.

I agree with this. Yeah, it stinks that one little a-hole is ruining things, but it's a part of life. There's always going to be bothersome people in school, work, on the bus, etc., and it's not always possible to reprimand the bothersome people or remove the well-behaved people from the situation and keep things bright and sunny all the time. If she grows up learning that someone else will always deal with a bad situation on her behalf, then she might have a problem confronting or ignoring people on her own, KWIM?

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to talk to the teacher and see what's being done about this, but there's probably not much they can do. I think that's the big point here ... you could certainly take her out of the class if you want, but IMO just removing her from the situation entirely might backfire later on, if she starts to think that that should be the answer to every unpleasant situation. Rather than just accepting that school/work/activities won't always be fun and she needs to just watch her own behavior and focus on what IS fun.

Melanie2003

I think I'm bothered that the owner isn't acknowledging a problem though. There's obviously something there and she's had this school 15-20 years, not I would bet it's not a new situation.

mbcdefg

I'm wondering if there's some sort of middle ground here, between what the teacher and the kids each classify as "yelling," and that's why you're getting two different stories. Maybe the teacher just never reprimands anyone and the kids were disturbed that she finally told M to knock it off?

I know I had teachers/adult figures when I was younger that never had an unkind word for anyone, and it really bothered me if their voices would get stern with someone. Not even yelling or punishment, just that "Seriously, knock it off, kid" tone of voice. It was scary (just as scary as yelling) to hear it out of someone who was always smiles and sunshine, and it would bother me for the rest of the day or even beyond. Even today, I still equate raised voices with "yelling." I wonder if that's what's going on here, and that's why the teachers are telling you that there wasn't any yelling going on?

Even if there WAS a raised voice or yelling, I wonder if that's something they'd want to talk about. Not that they're hiding something from you, but there's really no nice way for them to say, "Oh, M is being such a little jerk and we have to keep yelling at her to knock it off" without it eventually getting back to M's parents, whom I'm sure think M is a perfect angel. And if they just ignored M's behavior entirely then they'd probably get flack from the other parents for letting her screw around in class and messing up the other kids' experience. They're going to have to offend somebody in this situation so maybe they're just trying to let it blow over?

If it were me, I'd wait until after this week's class and see what happens. She said she'd call you, right?

Melanie2003

she did, and i think that any change from the sweetness would be startling. i agree.

i'm not looking for her to agree with me about the kid, but to at least placate me by saying they are aware of a situation, and isn't it great to have two teachers in the room so one can continue with the class while the other focuses a bit more attention on the one or two who aren't as focused.

there's one little girl we are friendly with who is starting to freak out. She happily gets her leotard and skirt on at home, and then breaks down crying once she arrives at the studio. For the last 4 sessions. She only tells her parents she is scared - they are starting to wonder if it's related.

Ava assures me her friend is OK after a bit - that the assistant always holds her hand, and tickles her until she giggles and then she's fine. So i do think it's great to have two teachers.

kellyann1972

Me personally I would continue to playup the positives and how fun it is and keep going.

While junebug's example is extreme there is always a kids who is a PITA. One day it will be your kid too. In every team, class, activity there is a kid who plays too well, doesnt play well enough, is too loud, is too quiet, wont share, tries to be everyone's friend etc. It happens. Its rare for a kid to go through all 18 years of childhood without being that kid. If its bad I talk to my kids about how to cope with it etc and move on. Throughout life people and situations will present themselves that arent ideal. We as parents need to hep our children learn to handle them.

JMHO

ATSBRIDE

kellyann1972:

Me personally I would continue to playup the positives and how fun it is and keep going.

While junebug's example is extreme there is always a kids who is a PITA. One day it will be your kid too. In every team, class, activity there is a kid who plays too well, doesnt play well enough, is too loud, is too quiet, wont share, tries to be everyone's friend etc. It happens. Its rare for a kid to go through all 18 years of childhood without being that kid. If its bad I talk to my kids about how to cope with it etc and move on. Throughout life people and situations will present themselves that arent ideal. We as parents need to hep our children learn to handle them.

JMHO

 

I agree w/ Kelly. I have to say that maybe they need to change the way they handle children who act up in class.

Whenever Sabrina or anyone in her class acted up in dance they got a warning and were then told to step outside for a bit until she was ready to participate. This is how her teacher addressed it. There was nobody raising voices and no disruption to the class.

wed2506

kellyann1972:

Me personally I would continue to playup the positives and how fun it is and keep going.

While junebug's example is extreme there is always a kids who is a PITA. One day it will be your kid too. In every team, class, activity there is a kid who plays too well, doesnt play well enough, is too loud, is too quiet, wont share, tries to be everyone's friend etc. It happens. Its rare for a kid to go through all 18 years of childhood without being that kid. If its bad I talk to my kids about how to cope with it etc and move on. Throughout life people and situations will present themselves that arent ideal. We as parents need to hep our children learn to handle them.

JMHO

I completely agree!  My kid was the PITA last week at gymnastics and she has an aggressive boy in her pre-K class.  I spoke with the teacher about the boy in her class and she was very responsive.  I am also dealing with Bella being the PITA in gymnastics...I know I will be fighting this battle on both sides for the rest of her school years.

MrsDB

I would say "Look, either all the girls lied individually, or this is what happened.  Please don't try to tell me it didn't happen." and then suggest that instead of yelling, or dealing with misbehavior- kids are simply told to go to the waiting room if they act up after 1 warning. Then it's not disruptive. M plays around, she's told to stop, if she does it again- she's simply sent out of the room for the rest of the class.  That seems like the only fair way to handle it for everyone. They're not 2- they're capable of behaving.