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FWB Question - How Do You Know
So the OKC post about the guy trying to get a FWB situation started me thinking and I think I totally am in a FWB situation that I didn't intend to get in. If you saw my response to the OKC post, I thought maybe the guy had changed his mind about her and wasn't trying to get a FWB started but obviously everyone else thought differently and I can totally understand why now. But I think maybe I am too naive. Here is an example:
I met this guy online and we were friends first because neither of us was really looking for more (our profiles said we were looking for friends so honest from the start). We were both thrilled to be friends and we clicked easily. I was really stupid though and ended up making a move because I did think he was hot and yeah I wanted action. He told me from the start he didn't want a relationship and wanted to date other people and did not have in love feelings or anything like that. He said he wanted to be friends. This didn't bother me at all because really I did feel the same way. I decided to happily backtrack to being friends and be open to maybe us eventually dating (which he seemed to be on the same page). We both agreed we didn't want FWB because that sort of cheapened the "like" feelings we did have and even though I stupidly acted like a FWB, I didn't want that for myself either.
So I moved forward acting like a friend except he started acting differently almost immediately after that convo. He eventually said that the convo we had made him feel closer to me and that I was winning him over and that he really liked me. He started acting more relationshipy and I just went along with it b/c the companionship was nice and I do like him but I also know an actual relationship is not what I need/want. He started texting me every day, I met his friends (who keep pushing us to be together) and we started hanging out frequently and ultimately hooking up. He has his stuff at my place and we do act like a couple in public and in front of his friends.
I thought maybe his feelings about it all did really change and that he did want to date. Since I was open to dating I went for it and took the bait, though I have been dating other people throughout this. But now I think maybe I was actually a FWB?
I am so confused about the difference between casually dating and FWB and everything else (I'm a total newbie to the dating world and I am honestly just lost here). Can the situation change?
I'm also confused about whether you listen to what people say or how they act and why sometimes these things don't match up. He said he wanted to be friends and date other people but he never did date anyone else and he definitely acts more like a boyfriend.
And yes I can ask him, but eh I am actually kind of over the whole situation for other reasons so this is more for my understanding for the future. I am trying to understand boys.
Re: FWB Question - How Do You Know
He's leading you on and you're letting him.
This is why I avoid the "I'm just looking for a friend" profiles.
Ditto.
He enjoys mind games. It's a form of insecurity/control. He'll give you an inch to keep you coming back for more, but won't give you TOO much because he doesn't really like you. All you were was an ego boost.
I think your attitude of "I'm OK with whatever I'm given" is what got you into this. If you want to casually date, OK, but you can't do that and then act like someone's girlfriend.
So I do want to casually date (not him, but in the future). How do you casually date without ending up in gf/bf like situation? How do you keep it casual? Any rules/tips? I tried so hard to do that this time by not talking about anything personal, by limiting time we saw each other, by not relying on him or having expectations but eh then I slowly let boundaries slide b/c I do enjoy our time together and at the base, we are actually really good friends.
Others may feel differently, but for me the lines of the FWB thing blur too much when you do things like you described, hanging out with his friends, having his things at your place etc. It's natural, if you like someone enough to hang out socially and have sex then why would you not feel like the next step is a possibility? I think that a lot of women just aren't really suited for FWB relationships, myself included, however evolved we may think we are. I learned over time that I don't enjoy sex with someone I don't like as a person, so no matter what I tell myself, if I like being with someone and enjoy them physically I'm going to want more.
I realize I'm not really answering your question, just offering general thoughts on casual sex. If he said he doesn't want a relationship, unless he directly says otherwise, he means it.
I think it's a gut instinct kind of thing. If your gut tells you to do something, do it. If it tells you to back off, do it. Too many women ignore their instincts and try to put "rules" around dating and that just turns into games.
And this guy is just not that into you. You know that.
I totally understand your confusion! I'm not going to lie, I thought maybe the OKC guy might be changing his mind on the friends stance. However, past experience is telling me that you should listen to what people say, and not what they do. If they truly want more, they have no reason to lie and pretend that they just want to be friends.
The responses to my post confirmed what I was 99% sure was going on. OKC guy was trying to spin the friendship into a FWB situation.