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Am I justified in being angry? (long)
My SIL lost her job in october and hasn't gotten another one, she isn't really even looking as far as we can tell. She started taking a degree refresher class 2 days a week, for 2 hours.
Since she lost her job I have asked her to baby sit a few times and at first she was fine and watched DD 2 days without a word. a month later there was an emergency at my old work and I asked her last minute to watch DD a day she didn't have school, and she declined. A few weeks later the same thing happened and she watched her a half day but wouldn't take her anymore. On christmas I ended up in the ER with gallbladder problems and MIL took DD over night. We didn't get there to pick her up until 2pm the next day and SIL threw a fit about her being stuck with DD all day, eventhough MIL was there watching her. If I decide to get my gallbladder taken out DH will have to take time off and my MIL agreed to either take a few days or let younger SIL skip a few days of high school to help out. This SIL again refuses.
My BFF's grandma died about a month ago and DH couldn't get time off last minute to watch DD so I again asked SIL and she was really rude about it but did agree to take her for a few hours.
In 4 months I have sent out 2 group emails asking if someone could babysit on days I have to work, both times she said no. 2 weeks ago My grandma had to have surgery to lengthen her leg and replace her knee and needed help at home, again SIL declined so I took her to a drop in and had to pay a lot of money we really don't have. Now my grandma needs to go back to the dr. to get her dressings changed, recasted, etc. She lives in the mountians and it is not only a long trip for DD both ways but I am worried about her accidently hurting my grandma and handling DD in the office and parking garage while helping my grandma. So last night I asked SIL again to watch DD next week on a day she has off and she said no. Every time I am given the excuse that she is going to the school to do work or she has plans with friends or needs to run errands. Last night she was really snotty about it.
She is almost 30 and still lives at home. I know I have asked her quite a bit to watch her and it's not her obligation but to me your family should be there to help you. It's not like I am asking her to take her so I can go out with friends. It is really starting to make me angry at this point and I want to confront her but DH thinks it will just cause more problems and doesn't understand why I am so angry. We have even offered to pay her for watching DD some of these times and she still will refuse.
Re: Am I justified in being angry? (long)
While I understand your frustrations, I don't think you can really be mad at your SIL.
Your SIL is probably never going to be the carefree-want-to-babysit aunt you would like. Just b/c she's 30 and doesn't have a job, doesn't mean she is at all obligated to help you out. Does she have more time than any of your family members? Yes. Does that mean she should be the one to watch your DD? Not really. I guess I would just stop asking her and move on to finding friends, other family members, or maybe a regular sitter who is more willing and ready to help out.
Are you united with the CCOKCs?
Is she a slacker? yes. Does she need to get off her arse? again yes. Is it sucky that she doesn't want to help out with the family stuff, espeically when she has time? another yes.
But I will say that not everyone is born with the need to help people, even those that are close relatives. And she probably thinks that since she decided not to have kids (presumably), that your DD is not her responsiblity (which I get...) even though you're only asking her during family emergencies. Again, she seems to not have the gene that makes her care about others.
I don't think I'd ever want to have someone who so clearly does NOT want to watch your child ever be her supervisor. I don't ever volunteer to "babysit" because I really don't enjoy it. At times, I'd rather poke my own eyes out. I may be over simplifying, but I would not ask her to watch your DD. You might have to deal with it a little bit when MIL watches her.
I didn't see this anywhere in your post, but I'm assuming you pay her something for watching DD? This isn't just a favor, correct?
Agree. It's irritating and I would be annoyed and angered by her attitude but she is not obligated to babysit for you at any time.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
Maybe she likes babies but not toddlers? Toddlers can be challenging. The two-three age range is difficult and I think more so when it isn't your kid and you don't have a lot of experience (like she was a daycare teacher.) I would voluntarily babysit a toddler for a limited number of toddlers- it has nothing to do with my relationship with the parents but how much I like the kid.
(For those reading this, most of the kids are Nestie babies.) 
Hrm, maybe this is anger on her part towards MIL. Even poor people don't like to feel taken advantage of. I can understand if she refuses payment (or feels she must), but if you've asked her repeatedly, I think you need to do something for her--ie. restaurant gcs, massage, pedi/mani.
I'm in the middle of doing something that's "volunteer" right now and I know I'm being taken advantage of (i.e. not even a thank you, or any kind of appreciation expressed, kind of being treated like the family's servant). And I'm a little upset. The family probably doesn't see it that way. But I do.
I agree too, and can see being annoyed, but I don't know if you can really be angry unless she said she would do it and then backs out. I agree with the other PP too, why would you want to leave DD with someone who doesn't want to watch her?
Growing Up Olson
I get that you're frustrated because she could help and chooses not to, for whatever reason. From what I know of your ILs, helping family is part of their culture, so you probably question it more than if that wasn't part of the family mentality.
That said, I think some of the pps might be right. She may not want to watch toddlers, or maybe she does feel taken advantage of, especially if she doesn't feel favors are reciprocated somehow. I love kids, and I love my nephew & niece, but sometimes even I need to say no. (Plus, it bugs me that my brother goes out so much)
I'd not ask her if at all possible, and see how she reacts to G as she gets older. Maybe she'll feel more comfortable watching an older kiddo, and they'll both have more fun. I can't imagine G is too happy with a SIL who has a bad attitude.
PHOTOS REMOVED
I think that's a very good point. When my niece was a baby, H had no problem watching her while my sister & I went out. But now that she's nearly 2, he doesn't want to watch her anymore. She's too much for him. He was fine when she wasn't mobile, but now that she is, it's different. I don't hold it against him. Toddlers are exhausting. Maybe your SIL is like my H.
I agree it's not her job or obligation, but I'd be pretty pissed, too. I feel like you--family helps out. I wouldn't ask her to watch my kid anymore, but I would definitely be mad. My sister has helped us out many times when we've needed someone to watch DS or DD in a pinch. She even stayed with DS when he was really sick a couple of weeks ago.
Maybe she's depressed or resentful for some reason?
This.
This is what I was thinking too. Maybe she feels like things are tough for her right now too with being unemployed, and no one is acknowledging her feelings? Just a guess.
You need to separate out your feelings on two issues: Why someone isn't leaping at the chance to watch your kid anymore, and why you overall might have reason to be disappointed in SIL. And not everyone is a kid person.
Maybe she watched her a few times and realized it wasn't fun or beneficial for either of them (from her perception) and that's why she's saying no.
Maybe she indeed is feeling rather mucked down being out of work, and having everyone assume she should be thrilled to have something to do - like babysitting for free, since the other assumption is she should be doing it for free or incur someone else's wrath - isn't sitting well.
I guess I just find the idea that a family member being out of work should instantly mean, "Well, that's awesome! Now your schedule is free to watch our precious angel as needed!" Instead you could try talking to her about her life in general - and not just babysitting duties - and see what's going on. People tend to be more receptive when you take an interest in them beyond what they can do for you or what you think they should be doing.
This. I would stop asking her. Sorry, but I don't think you have a right to be angry here. Some people hate babysitting (especially for toddlers), and she doesn't owe it to you, no matter what her employment situation is.
Yeah, and I think the "bafflement" is part of the problem. You expect everyone to operate on your rules, and when they don't you have all this anger towards them because you don't understand *why* they would want to do something that isn't part of your wishes. You keep posting about it and talking a good game about understanding what others are saying, but fundamentally you just don't get it. I can see it in this post. You keep making it about YOUR expectations of your SIL. When really, she just doesn't want to watch your kids. End stop. There isn't anything more to it.
This. I agree that you have some odd family dynamics, but honestly I would not expect this from a family member.
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