Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Husband's comment on facebook photo
Yes!! Your comment made me smile!
I'd be very upset if DH ever did that. I think it depends on your personal relationship, every one is different, but it would also be a huge red flag for me due to how DH and I view/handle things with the opposite sex. Do not back down on this.
If you husband is so firm about it not being a big deal and whatnot, I'd suggest scheduling something after work--casual dinner/drinks at a bar?--with this coworker and her S/O if she has one, plus maybe a couple other coworkers too. You should be able to read her/them as they interact and see if something's up.
No kidding.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. My Blog
I honestly do not think he is having an affair with her, but comments like the one he made definitely open up the door for one to happen in the future! I got the feeling that this is an acquaintance at work who posted a sexy photo in an effort to get attention and boost her own ego.
What bothers me most is that even after I told him that it hurt me and I found it disrespectful, he didn't care. He refused to apologize because he "did nothing wrong" and didn't even delete the comment that caused this whole argument. He said I'm just being insecure and am making a big deal out of nothing. I've talked and talked with him until I'm blue in the face and he will not budge.
Yes, I would be very angry for multiple reasons.
First of all, it's one thing that he says "damn" when he saw the photo. But he should have said it in his head. Not on a public forum where his wife, his friends, their shared coworkers and everyone else known to mankind can see that he is checking out the goods of a woman not his wife. I'd love for my mom to get a status update that my husband is commenting on the jiggly bits of another woman.
Just for sheer stupidity, you should probably smack your husband in the back of the head.
He's obviously wrong here. You're exactly right. It's not his responsibility to boost the ego of a girl so woefully insecure that she must post provocative photos of herself on the internet to get her hoots and hollers. And I'm not exactly sure "damn" is the best kind of fist pump on the shoulder encouragement. It's creepy.
Your husband is wrong, and you should tell him that he's a creepy perv who has opened himself up to all kind of judgment and ridicule at work, let alone from his wife. And he sounds like he's in his young twenties, am I right?
I post NOTHING related to work on facebook, for this reason. If I make a comment to a coworker, about a coworker, etc, I know that there are about 2 dozen additional coworkers that can see it. I know for a fact that our boss knows about things we say on facebook. I don't even "like" people's comments if they post about it being a tough day, or whatever.
People are so dumb!
I would be PISSED at my SO if he did this to me. It's not appropriate (especially when you are married) to look at a photo of another woman and then say "DAMN!"
That's plain disrespectful and gross. He should be looking at YOU and saying "DAMN!!!!!" because your his wife!
I think it's doubly tacky because he said this to a co-worker. What i wonder is if he said this on FB, has he said to her at the office? Outside of the office? Doesn't mean he's having an affair, but if he can say that kind of thing to her, and she's opening up to him an emotional affair is totally possible.....which is STILL an affair.
If he's not willing to apologize, there is something fishy going on. Don't back down!
Agreed! I would be pissed as well and if I did something like that my DH would be pissed at me too!! We have never had issues related to FB luckily because neither of us are on it all that often but if something happened that I felt or he felt was inappropriate we would call each other out on it. The way he responded was not OK at all he hurt your feelings regardless of you 'overreacting' or not he at very least needs to respect your feelings. To be clear you didn't overreact in my opinion. I wish I could tell you how best to handle this but I would say you need to stand your ground and stand up for yourself if you don't now I could see things getting much worse before it gets better!
Yeah, I like this idea.
Thanks everyone for your advice. It really helps to hear from a neutral party that I am not crazy and that I have every right to be upset. But there are lots of thoughts & fears swirling around in my head today.
We had planned a Vegas vacation for next weekend (to celebrate his birthday) and up until this, we were both very excited. I thought about going ahead on vacation as sort of a last-ditch effort to reconnect with each other, but the more I thought about it I just didn't want to spend that time with someone who clearly doesn't respect me or value my feelings. So I texted him yesterday (he was at work I was stewing over all this at home).....
Me: Vegas trip is off
H: Why??
Me: I don't want to go anymore.
(no reply)
When I got home from work this AM (I'm a night shifter), I didn't speak to him and he didn't speak to me. I heard him go out into the garage and start up his car to leave for work... and about that time, he sent me a text: "I love you. We'll talk more later."
WTH??? I am not sure what to expect. Why the sudden change of heart? And after telling him multiple times that his actions were disrespectful and hurt me, he refused to apologize and tried to make me out to be the idiot for being upset in the first place.?? At this point, I'm not even sure if there's anything he can say or do to make me feel better. He made it clear how he feels. Can I really believe him if he says he's sorry now?
Sorry for the long update. I am emotionally drained from all this and other things going on in my life (my mom got some scary health news from the doctor this week). I just worked a 13 hour shift and I'm exhausted....and rambling. I'll stop now.
Whaaaa? Why would she want to no go hang out publicly with this girl after I'm sure all the rest of their coworkers saw the comment too? OP, kick him in the balls once for good measure. While he's down, tell him he's an inconsiderate jerk.
I'm sorry, but I think you're handling this REALLY poorly. He made a mistake, and he doesn't realize it, which definitely puts him in the wrong. But your way of responding is bordering on revenge rather than a constructive way to communicate issues.
My #1 rule for any sort of disagreement is that it should always occur verbally, preferably face-to-face, and NEVER EVER through text/chat/email. You didn't say to him, "Look, I know we've planned this Vegas trip, but I'm just still mad at you about what you did, and I don't think we're ready to put it behind us and have fun." You were vague and abrupt, which solves nothing. He cannot guess what is going on in your head, and clearly he doesn't get why you're mad at him.
As far as what he did, if she needed a self esteem boost, there's a lot better ways to do it. And it's not his job. His job is to make you feel valued, and his comment did the exact opposite.
When I can't communicate my point and my FI isn't understanding, I write him a long letter explaining what I feel and why. I use a lot of "when you say/do this, I feel ______" and I try to never use "never/always" sentences - they're accusatory and inflammatory, and you often spend more time saying, "But there was this one time I didn't do that!" then actually addressing the problem. The letter also gives me time to assess how I want to say things and go back and edit it. Then he reads it and processes it, and when he's ready he writes me one back, and then after I've read his we sit down to talk.
I see what you are saying....thing is I can talk until I'm blue in the face. And I have. I talked to him at length about how this made me feel when this whole thing first happened. After awhile we were getting no where, so we left it at that and didn't talk any more that night. He was silent to me the next day, until I talked to him again that evening. And got the same response from him telling me it is my fault that we are fighting and I am making a big deal out of nothing. Again, he refused to apologize because he did nothing wrong. He knows I am the type to want to talk about things when something is wrong....and he will give me the silent treatment for days at a time.
You're right, sending a text was not the right thing to do. I guess I'm just tired of talking. This pattern of me talking, him turning things around on me, and him responding in one of two ways (silent treatment or saying really hurtful things)....it's just that it happens every time we have an arguement.
I get that. I would be frustrated too. I guess this is where the lesson "two wrongs don't make a right" comes into play? And like you said, you've told him and he refuses to see your side, acknowledge you have a legitimate concern, or attempt to rectify it.
I'd still write a letter. In that letter, I'd say exactly why it bothers you, what you'd like him to do about it now, how you'd like him to act in the future, and what you plan to do if he totally disregards your opinion. Even if you choose not to give it to him in the end, it will help you organize your thoughts for when you do talk to him. I'd highly recommend giving it to him, though. With my FI, for whatever reason seeing my feelings written down sinks in deeper than me just saying it. Maybe your H is the same way.
For me, if I were in your shoes, I'd say that I'd want him to apologize for hurting your feelings and embarrassing you by publicly hitting on another woman, that he should acknowledge that there are more appropriate ways of encouraging a colleague's self esteem than virtual cat-calling, that I would like him to go to group counseling with me to discuss our communication and boundaries, and that if he refuses to acknowledge any responsibility or seek a resolution, that I certainly do not want to go to Vegas and would need to seriously consider the future of the relationship.
This pattern is not okay. He's manipulative and an ass and my guess is emotionally abusive. It is NOT okay to give your spouse the silent treatment or purposefully try and hurt them because you feel something. Your feelings are valid. Do not write him a letter and give him ANOTHER chance to turn this on you and call you dramatic. If you are done, you are done, and that is okay. If you want to work on it, I would suggest a counselor. A neutral 3rd party may help him understand that he is in the wrong and may help you learn how to handle these fights without being passive aggressive.
Oh good grief. You handled the Vegas thing really poorly. That's the kind of thing you say at the end of a discussion/fight if you feel like it's the best option. Instead, you're using it to make a point and get his attention. That kind of fighting drives me insane.
The truth of the matter is, he may not genuinely think he did anything wrong. From his perspective, he may have just been paying her a compliment. He may not want to have an affair, or be lusting after her, or even be attracted to her. But, he made a bonehead comment on a public forum, and it hurt your feelings. He doesn't have to agree with you, but he at least should make the effort to sit down with you to discuss this.
Glad to see your update.
Calindi's advice was spot on.
Good luck with everything!He played it off like it was no big deal, and told me I was overreacting. He said it was unreasonable for us to never be attracted to other people. He even had the nerve to say he was just trying to pay her a compliment to make her feel better about herself, because she's been really "down on herself" lately.
I hate women like this. If she truly felt down about herself, she wouldn't have posting such a revealing, drama whore picture. They don't feel bad about themselves, they just want men to baby them.
Your husband is a douche ass.