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Unsure? (Sorry, this is REALLY long)
I'm still kinda new around here, mostly been lurking on a few different boards. I was just lurking on Trouble in Paradise, kinda feeling like I should ask them, but maybe y'all would know better? Maybe I should post this in both? I don't know. MH is military, reserves, but he has been deployed and I guess I have a few questions about the effects of that. I'm really unsure about this and don't know how much to share. I guess I should just apologize in advance for this being long and hope you ladies don't mind and will help me out (I'd even appreciate being pointed in the right direction towards a more appropriate board if this isn't the right one).
H and I have been married 3 years. He was deployed the first year we were married. We dated 8 months prior to getting married (it was really quick but we went through with it partially because he was deploying, but also because we were planning on heading toward marriage the next year anyway). So basically, we've lived together for the last 2 years. Those 2 years have not been at all what I thought marriage would be like. And don't get me wrong, although I was young, I had realistic expectations. I knew it wasn't all rainbows and glitter and unicorns or whatever. I knew I'd be doing most of everything around the house until I got a job and that we wouldn't go out every week for a date night. But I guess I wasn't expecting all the arguments, emotional distance, and hurt feelings. We don't communicate about anything important. I mean, yes, scheduling things with our one car is important and so is deciding what to have for dinner. But we never talk about our feelings, our relationship, our goals, our finances, anything else that is kind of essential to keeping a relationship going, imo.
I feel that when he gets frustrated with me or the way things are going (for instance, if they're are not going the way he planned or how he wanted) he lashes out at me, not in a physical way, but more like an emotional or mental attack on me. One time while we were discussing some important things (I can?t remember now, I think it was probably finances or our goals/when to have kids), I got emotional (I'll admit, when I'm frustrated, sad, mad, even happy sometimes, I cry) and it takes me longer to process things when I'm in an emotional state. I think he got uncomfortable with that and started rambling, but I couldn't keep up with his thought process and eventually he just outright yelled at me and asked if I was "autistic or something" because I couldn't say anything. I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't know what to say, I wasn't sure how I felt other than being frustrated with the situation and with myself.
Another time, he implied that he thought I was lazy because I stay at home, I don't have a job. We only have one car and he takes it to work (makes sense, we'd waste A LOT of gas if I drove him to work just to have a car during the day) but we did have two cars at one point but it was because we were borrowing/renting one from his parents (don't get me started, I think they're WAY over involved but I consider it another issue), and even then I hardly went anywhere because he always had an excuse for why he didn't want me driving anywhere (the car could break down, he worries about me going out, etc). Now that we only have one car, I'd either have to find a job I could walk to (we live in the suburbs, not a lot of jobs around here, especially jobs I'm qualified for), one that has similar hours and is close to his work so we could carpool, or one where I would work evenings or nights. He doesn't like the evenings/night idea because of my safety and I am not comfortable with it because I feel guilty leaving him at home by himself at night or even during the days on the weekends when I have a baby shower to go to or when I go to volunteer for my church once a week (which I don't know if I cause the guilt or if he does).
I just don't know where to draw the line or what to think anymore. Is he just another victim of PTSD and I just need to learn how to deal? Is this more than PTSD? When should I insist he see a counselor? Should I see a counselor? At what point do I say enough, something has to change? I never wanted to be someone that got a divorce but right now I?m not at all happy in my marriage. I can't even explain how scared I am of that idea or possibility. I feel like I could've handled becoming a widow while he was deployed better than I can/have handled being married to him since he got back (that probably sounds horrible, but I've thought about it, while he was gone I always worried he'd never come back and in a way I prepared myself for that possibility). I want it to work out, I want our marriage to work. I feel awful for thinking that it might not. I'm just not sure what to think or how to process our relationship anymore.
Any advice would be helpful, but please, I'm really trying to figure out what to do and how to fix things and make things work so if you can, be gentle. I realize some military spouses are very strong people, but I'm not sure I'm one of those people. If you think I need a good shaking and to snap out of it, I understand and I don't need everyone to harp on that fact, a couple comments in that direction will be sufficient. Also, if you think I should repost this in a different board, let me know. TIA. And I'm SO sorry this was so long.
Re: Unsure? (Sorry, this is REALLY long)
That's a lot to read, but I did glean a couple things. Firstly, his parents' over-involvement is not a whole other issue, it's part of the big issue. It needs to be addressed for sure. And I know you can't change it now, and this is not meant to be an I told you so, but marriage shouldn't be rushed, no matter what your future plans are. I know that lesson well.
I suggest counseling, as a marriage should be a partnership. You're unfulfilled and isolated, and you're going to resent him if you don't do something about it. I hope your issues can be resolved, but some of the stuff you wrote makes it sound like he doesn't respect you as an equal partner, and that's hard to get over (IME). I got divorced once, and it was the second best thing I ever did. There's no shame in giving up on something that doesn't make you happy.
ETA: Has he been diagnosed with PTSD? Because sometimes you just have to believe a jerk is how he behaves. I know a lot of times spouses would like to blame military/combat experiences for their service member's behavior, but I think in this case it sounds like he's showing you who he is (and that's not easy to see in eight months of predeployment countdown).
I would definitely start with some couples counseling or individual if he refuses to go with you.
It sounds like you would benefit from looking at things like how fight or argue fair. You mentioned that sometimes you get emotional and can't communicate clearly and it frustrates him. When that happens you need to tell him plainly that you're getting emotional and that you need to continue the conversation at another time when you're not out of sorts. He needs to respect that too.
Another issue for the counselor is your job situation. I think he resents you staying home all day while he works and maybe doesn't feel like you contribute equally. You may benefit from having a neutral party help you to figure out how to work out a solution to the problem that pleases both of you.
You asked about PTSD. I don't mean to pry but what reasons do you have for believing that he might have PTSD? Other ladies on the board can cover this better than I can, but you need to figure out if there are particular behaviors that he is displaying which are consistent with PTSD. Is it simply that he says hurtful things to you and doesn't appear to respect you? Or is it something else? Like Stan said above me, some of it could just be his personality and way of dealing with people.
There's no way we can tell he has PTSD. Even if he did though, I don't think that's a reason to speak or treat you in the manner that you say he does.
There are always two sides to the story so I really recommend you start with couple's counseling. If he's not willing to go with you, you should still go by yourself...you'll find a way to ask yourself what the fine straw is (if there is one).
If I'm being honest, I have little to no patience for anyone who cries during an argument because they are frustrated and can't form words. I have to walk away before I punch that person in the face. I can see where your gets frustrated, but it's not an excuse for calling you names. Then again, I don't know if you did walk away and you are one of those people who follow him when he walks away because you aren't done. Getting frustrated with people, being an a**hole or being rude aren't symptoms of PTSD. There are so many people who assume some one who has been deployed has PTSD because they are a jerk or just don't behave the way you want them to. It's not fair to those people and it isn't fair to people who are actually suffering from PTSD.
It sounds like y'all have a lot of issues. It also sounds like y'all got caught up in the romatic ideas that come along with meeting some one right before a deployment. You married a man you hardly knew. Y'all need to go to couseling. Then you need to figure out if this was a huge mistake or if this is something y'all can work through.
I think that you ARE at the point where you have to say "enough, something has to change." You're unhappy, and thats when it is time. It was probably time awhile ago.
I think personal therapy for you would be really good. You identify several different issues you seem to want to work on. But I would also say couple's counseling if YH is willing. There are plenty of resources you can take advantage of, Military One Source is one of them and offers some free counseling sessions.
One thing you have to remember about "making your marriage work" is that YH has to want it to work out, too and make changes to the way he acts, too. If he is content with the way it is (and unwilling to make any changes on his part), and you decide to stay, you are agreeing to staying in an unhappy marriage and being potentially miserable for the rest of your marriage. If one person wants a change and tries to make that change, but the other doesn't, the marriage cannot work out.
I do not think it is ok for your partner to treat you the way say he has been treating you. Calling you names and insulting you is not loving, and its not the way a spouse should treat you. It seems really emotionally manipulative or abusive to me. I also dont think you can jump right to blaming it on PTSD. Does he have other symptoms of PTSD?
Also, I am not trying to be mean or snarky, and I say this more for the benefit of lurkers out there, but communication issues and problems like you are having are really reasons why around here we suggest people wait to get married and not rush it because of a deployment. I am a true believer that you should know someone for all four seasos before you get engaged to that person. Its not that you can't love someone sooner, or know they are the "one," but it takes a while to get to know someone and build strong communication skills with them, and deal with other issues that come up over time. Not saying you need to get divorced and start over or anything, but it some effort to get over hurdles.
I changed my name
A few red flags popped up to me reading your pieces of the story:
1) It seems awfully controlling to say when/where someone can work
2) WHY do you feel guilty about working opposite hours as your DH? Sometimes in the working world that is what happens.
3) Hurling insults and/or name calling is never appropriate. Never.
The whole parental over involvement is another issue all by itself.
We cannot determine PTSD - only a counselor and professionally trained people can do that.
Get yourself into counseling. Individual for sure and marriage as well so that you can learn how to communicate.
Definitely need to work out the crying issue when having a discussion; when you are losing control of your emotions you need to call a time out. If you cannot think straight during a conversation; perhaps you should create a bullet point list of what you need/want to say regarding a particular topic so you do not get flustered and forget what needs to be said.
A year ago, I could have written your post. Actually, I think I did.
I left. He sought anger management, I got my own counseling, we got counseling together. A year later, we still do counseling, not as often but enough to keep us aware of how we're doing.
Things will not change unless you do something about it. Prepare yourself for him to just give up. See an attorney and prepare your things to make it on your own.
Don't use PTSD as an excuse. I know it's a real thing(I've been diagnosed) but it is not a catch all be all and is no reason to act like an asshat.
Use Military One Source, it's free, even for reservists. If he doesn't want to work on things and you leave, get counseling for yourself. Good luck, PM me if you have questions.
Thanks everyone. I truly appreciate all your responses. A few of you asked about other symptoms of PTSD he might be displaying, and I know you can't diagnose it over the internet especially when it's my point of view and not him talking about it. I know he hasn't been diagnosed with PTSD for sure, but from what I've read online about symptoms of PTSD, I see a lot of them in what he says and does. He didn't want to be evaluated because he was "up for a promotion" of sorts when he got back and he thought the counseling and that label would prevent him from getting the promotion. I don't want to make him seem worse than he is. In my mind, it is what it is and I want to help him deal with his problems but I don't know how to help and I don't want to push my help on him because I want him to be ready to deal with the issues. If that makes sense. His dad is retired Army and both his parents work with vets, helping them find jobs and finding counselors and all kinds of things. They've given him (and us) pamphlets and books, about dealing with PTSD. They've suggested he get counseling. I don't know if it's because they think he has PTSD or if it's because they (like me) think that counseling can only help in a situation- I don't see counseling hurting a situation but maybe that's because my undergrad is in a counseling field, I'd need a masters to become a counselor but I've seen how counseling can be helpful.
I've talked to him (when I'm not already emotionally charged) about how I get emotional when we have intense conversations that usually lead to disagreements or arguments. I've told him that I need to take breaks to cool off and gather my thoughts. I get frustrated with myself so I certainly don't blame him for getting frustrated with me when that happens. But the problem is that I get hurt by what he says when he gets frustrated and I don't think what he says is ok.
I know we got married young and really fast. I do realize that. In hindsight- horrible idea. At the time, it felt like it would be alright, it seemed like we would be alright, and I thought it would be tough but we'd make it. Call me a hopeless romantic. I do really want to work things out. I believe we can be happy together, we obviously were once, right? My feelings about divorce are that there should be a reason to get the divorce, I don't believe in the "no fault divorce" idea. I think that simply growing apart shouldn't be a reason for me to get divorced (but I've never been in those situations so I certainly don't judge other people for using that reason, honestly). I do think abuse of any kind (physical, emotional, etc.) is reason for divorce and I want to know if you think this is a case of PTSD or if this is what is classified as emotional or mental abuse. I've never dealt with either and I really don't know if this counts or if this is just a manifestation of his potential PTSD and is something we can deal with and work through. I feel like if it is PTSD we have a lot of resources available to help us deal with it and we can get through it, but emotional abuse is more a character issue and is more how a person is and is not as easy to deal with together. Either way, I think I'm going to talk to him about me getting counseling because I think I need to talk to someone and I don't want to burden any of my friends with all the details, plus getting professional advice would be incredibly helpful.
Bacon+Lettuce+Tomato- I might take you up on that... if I can figure out how to send a PM. And thank you so much for that offer.
All of this.
And, it will not affect his promotion in any way. Everything with his counselor is confidential as long as his counselor feels that he is mentally stable. If he threatens someone else or himself they will say something. It's a rare occurence that the command knows a Soldier is in counseling and what for. Don't let him feed you that crap.
Again, I can't say it enough, don't use the idea of PTSD as an excuse for his behavior. Don't do it.
I'm not like, super psyched for people to get divorced, but I do think that not being happy IS a good enough reason to get divorced. No reason to waste your life or his if you don't make each other happy. I rushed my first marriage, and my divorce was just a really traumatic break-up. I think I stayed a lot longer than I should have to avoid divorce. Everyone has to find their own breaking point, I just think that, in general, your partner shouldn't make you truly unhappy.
It sounds like you want to work it out, and I truly hope that is possible for you. I hope he starts respecting you and treating you like an equal partner. Also, not seeking counseling for work reasons is BS, especially in this military climate. They even changed the questions for mental health on the SF-86 (paperwork for clearances) so that people would NOT be averse to seeking help. Don't let him use that excuse.
This. I have a lot of personal and professional experience with PTSD (I am a therapist) and just because someone has PTSD does not mean they are or should be emotionally abusive. One of the symptoms associated with it *can* be irritability or outbursts of anger, but that does NOT = a carte blanche to just be a dickface to the people around you. I think you need to do some reflecting and see if you truly feel like this is an emotional abusive/unhealthy situation, (if you're making excuses for him or putting your head in the sand) or if this is a normal reaction to stress.
It is entirely possible for him to be an insensitive ass who also has PTSD. Or he could just be an insensitive ass.
If he is up for a promotion, he should want to make sure he is in a stable emotional position to take on extra responsibility IMHO. Mil One Source has confidentiality and like KC said, they dont go report everything to his command. Often they are just local civilian therapists who contract with MilOneSource to do therapy.
I changed my name
I remembered something about this and thought I would chime back in. I have a friend who is an officer she was going to be going for a higher security clearence and working with more sensitive things, etc. Anyway, she was going through a psych eval or pre-eval or something I'm not sure what, but there was a traumatic event in her past that she had never received therapy for. The evaluator or whomever told her it would look a lot better on her record if she DID go get therapy for it, even though it had been awhile, just to show that she has the ability to recognize the need to work on things and show that she has dealt with her past and it wont be an issue in the future.
So, therapy and dealing with problems is a good thing, and the mentality is changing in the military.
I changed my name
Like others, I can't say anything about PTSD, but I see two red flags of abuse.
He's controlling you. Limiting your access to the outside world is classic abuser behavior. Is there a reason you can't get a bus pass? Buy a 2nd car? That he limited your driving even with 2 cars is kind of scary IMO. Being overly concerned about safety when driving or out at night is another flag.
Hurling insults at you is just nasty. No excuse for it. You don't belittle and insult those you love.
I understand the guilt and frustration being unemployed. I've been unemployed much of our marriage due to being in remote overseas locations most of the time and moving 4 times in 5 years. We've had a few arguments b/c I think we both resent it. But, never in those arguments has H berated me or called me names. If you want your marriage to work out (and personally I'd question whether you should just b/c of the control issues), you're going to need some serious work on communication.
I didn't read all the posts on here so I'm not sure if you answered this or not but, do you have a reason to believe he has PTSD other than him simply having been deployed? I ask because my husband and I have gone through three deployments together in our time together and are prepping for our fourth at the end of this month. He has never had a serious personality change and I know that there have been instances where PTSD has been a serious concern for others in his unit. While I'm not allowed to know specifics, I know that with his job over there he has seen and done a lot of things that would justify causing problems. I don't know if we are just fortunate that he hasn't experienced this or what.
On the other hand, you said that you were married within 8 months because of his deployment and, while I have nothing against quick engagements because I had one myself, that's still the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship. My husband and I were engaged quickly but chose to wait for my college graduation 2 years after our engagement. That gave us time to work out our issues have our arguments (which of course we still have now that we are newlyweds adjusting to married life). I think you just need to see a counselor, like some of the other ladies on here have said, to work on your issues together. It isn't a bad thing that you are working on them after you have been married for a few years what is important is that you make the effort to work through them together and become closer.
Oh! And I know that it may seem like military spouses are supposed to be strong, in a way I suppose we all are, but I know that I personally feel very weak every time he leaves to deploy. It's the hardest time I've ever had to go through and, unfortunately, it has yet to get any easier. I am fortunate to have built a strong support system around myself and have my daughter to help me through the day to day struggles. It'll all be alright in the end, just know that what's meant to be will be.
No, it doesn't. There is no justification for just being an ass.
No justification at all. I have PTSD thanks to 3 different sexual assaults when I was 13, 15 and 17. Would people understand if I was a complete man hater? Probably. Would it be justified? No, not at all. People don't get a free pass to be *ssholes because they've been through tough times.
I understand the panic attacks. I understand the mood changes. I understand being paranoid. Hell, I carry a knife on my body every where I go. Don't ever sneek up on me. You'll end up stabbed missing teeth. PTSD doesn't make you a jerk. 99% of jerks with PTSD were jerks before what ever event caused it.