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Want to redecorate but controlled by In-Laws. Help!
I am in need of some serious advice! I have a unique situation. My Husband and I live in a nice home that is owned by his parents. Before my husband and I met, his parents bought an investment home for my husband to live in. They live in a different state. He has been living in this home for almost 6 years. I moved in 2 years ago when we were still dating. We got married this past October. His parents won't sell the home because they would lose too much money since the market tanked. There is no logical reason for us to move right now so we have decided to stay in this home for the time being. Since I was not around when the home was purchased, my MIL had decorated the home. Now that we are married, I really want to start making this home "our home" if we are going to live here. Right now, I am living in my MIL's CRAP. If you walked into where we lived, you wouldn't even think it was our home. The home is horribly decorated (in my opinion). Everything in this home was basically deposited here because it didn't fit or wasn't wanted in my in-laws home, but they don't wan to get rid of. Everything in this house screams of my in-laws from the wall color, their old books and magazines, pictures, draperies, old furniture, antiques... We even have my brother in-laws crap in here from his first marriage! I am absolutely going crazy! So of course I want to redecorate and pretty much get rid of EVERYTHING. My husband has said that my MIL said that it is ok for me to redecorate. However, I find that every time I want to get rid of something or change a room, she says no b/c the furniture and draperies were expensive and very good quality. Some of this stuff may be good quality but it is still old and ugly to me. I feel like I live in someone else's home and not OUR home! Nothing in here is really mine b/c I sacrificed pretty much everything I couldn't fit in my car when I decided to move from across the country to live with my now husband. In one hand I feel very blessed that at least I have a roof over my head and my in laws are letting us stay here, but on the other hand I feel like I can't live my life or make a new one with my husband! I need to know if I am just being selfish in wanting to get rid of my MIL's stuff and redecorate a house that I technically don't own or is their legitimate concern here?! I am starting to get resentful towards my husband and my in-laws because of the situation and I feel that I am going to create a huge relationship problem. Am I completely wrong in feeling the way I feel? What would you do in this situation? BTW my husband knows how I feel but seems to listen more to his mother rather than to his wife....
Re: Want to redecorate but controlled by In-Laws. Help!
If the house is owned by his parents, then they get the say. You don't mention if you're paying them rent, but if you're not, then they definitely get final say. The only thing you *might* be able to do is to ask if you can redecorate and keep everything of theirs safe in storage so that when they DO go to sell it, they can put their chosen decor back up. But otherwise, you have a situation where you are trying to be an adult but really acting like a child. You are living in someone else's house, not your own!
If you really want to decorate your own house, then get YOUR own house. Not somebody else's.
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You made my wedding day complete.
There is no logical reason for us to move right now so we have decided to stay in this home for the time being.
Yes there is - the desire to live in a home that is "yours" instead of your ILS.
I would say you have a husband problem, but the reality of your situation is that you are living in someone else's home. I'm assuming your rent is reduced or free, otherwise it would make sense for you to rent another property. I'm sure there are many homeowners who would like to have clean, consciencious tenants.
Tell your H you would rather live in a tiny studio apartment that is "yours" than in a house that is filled with your ILS things. You want to move out. You understand his mom's position about HER house, which is why the current situation isn't working for you. Also tell your H you are prepared to move out without him.
You could also give some alternatives - you want to decorate on your own, but you will store all of MILs things. You and H will pay for storage. If the cost of your rent plus storing MILs things is too high, then it makes sense to move.
I'm wondering how she plans to sell a dirty, outdated house in a tight housing market.
Either talk to your DH and MIL about renting a storage unit for ILs stuff, or get your own place. You knew what the situation was.
I think you need to talk to your DH and lay it all out. You want your home to be "your" home and it's not. He says you can redecorate, but your MIL clearly says the opposite. So.... what is HE going to do about this to help make this house your home?
If this house realyl isn't "his" and if you all really can't move stuff out/ buy your own stuff, then you want to move.
And I'd really like to know his reaction to that! (As in, is he up for moving, or will he be afraid of upsetting mommy and daddy?)
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is your real problem, and moving probably won't change that. If it's not related to the house, your husband will just find other ways to neglect you in favor of pleasing his mommy. How does he respond when you discuss this issue with him?
How I missed the last sentence in your original post is beyond me.... your DH listens more to his mom than you. That speaks volumes. As long as this is going on, then he won't really ever "stand up" to them and say "If this is MY house, then *I* want to redecorate it".
And if moving will become YOUR fault too - again, that's about your DH not backing you up/ not being on the same page as you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Is the house in your husband's name? If the house were to be sold, who would get the profits (or take the loss, as it were)? If your in-laws still actually own the house, then no, they haven't given it to your husband. If you and your husband are the ones actually paying the mortgage, it is completely inaccurate to say that his parents gave this house to him. You are just renters and they are your landlords. It really doesn't matter that they bought the house for him to live in- that was before he even met you, right? This arrangement might have worked in the past, but it's not working now. Why would your in-laws AND your husband assume that the hypothetical woman he might marry some day would want to continue living in this house indefinitely?
Because they won't let you. Clearly, they continue to think of it as THEIR house, despite what they say. There is no way to compel them to behave differently with regard to THEIR house.
Again, THIS is your real problem- the house is just a symptom. His parents don't have to sell the house if you move out- they can find new tenants. Lots of people are doing this these days, myself included, because the market is so horrible. It's a risk you take when you choose to purchase a home. I'm assuming your husband didn't force them to buy the house. It's not your fault that their investment isn't going to pay off the way they thought it would. Lots of people are taking a huge hit in the value of their homes; your in-laws are not unique in this regard.
Again, you are renters and they are your landlords, and as such you have no obligation to them with regard to this beyond the typical landlord/tenant relationship.
You're not playing any kind of card in wanting to move and having a mature, honest discussion with your husband about it. Your husband clearly doesn't see the two of you as a team, and he obviously doesn't see you as an equal. You're not going to resolve the housing issue or the greater problem of your playing second fiddle to his parents without addressing this.
Again, you didn't ask them to make a downpayment on a house for you, and I doubt your husband did, either. They chose to do it because ultimately it was to benefit them. They have made it clear that there are rules involved- you can either choose to accept those rules or choose to decline the "gift". I think you and your husband might need to see a counselor to work on some conflict resolution skills.
Well, in some families, gifts come with strings attached. Your in-laws are one of those families. They want control over the house and they want control over the two of you.
If your husband's name isn't on the deed, and if he didn't pay for the house, then technically it's not his house. Your in-laws are doing him a favor by letting him live there, even if he's paying rent. So you either need to accept their rules or move out and get your own place.
Your husband is just transferring the blame to you, rather than moving out/talking to his parents about this. To him, it's easier to disappoint his wife than it is to disappoint Mommy. It's easier to convince you that you're selfish and wear you down to the point where you submit and think that you're the one being selfish here, rather than to tell his mother that the arrangement isn't working out and that you guys will be moving out. Stop and think about that - someone's feelings have to be hurt in this situation, and he's chosen that person to be you. Do you want to play second fiddle to Mommy for the rest of her life?
Also, unless someone have a gun to his head they can't "make" your husband do a damn thing. If you say that you want to move out and he says O.K. but complains that you "made" him, that's a giant load of bullshiit. If he says that he wants to do XYZ but his parents aren't letting him, then that's a giant load of bullshiit too. He's an adult and he's the one responsible for his own actions.
If he agrees with you that it's time to move out, then he needs to sack up and own that decision. If he doesn't agree with you, then he needs to have the decency to say to you, "I'm happy with this arrangement and I want to stay," so that you have the freedom to decide if you want to stay there with him or if you want to leave. He doesn't get to have it both ways. You've stated that you're unhappy with this arrangement, so now he has to decide for himself if he agrees with you or not. No in-between.
Your in-laws aren't at fault here ... it's their house and they're doing YOU guys a favor by allowing you to live there, so they should do whatever they want with their stuff. Your problem here is that your husband doesn't want to be an adult and make a decision. He'd rather stay in limbo and try to please everyone, but when the time comes to hurt someone he's chosen to hurt his wife. You need to sit down and talk to him calmly but firmly about this, and if he refuses to make some changes then you need to decide if you want a marriage like this.
Everyone - you, your husband, your in-laws - has choices in life, but in the end the only person's choices you can control is your own. People will only push you around as much as you allow them to. Your in-laws don't control you, you don't control your husband. You control YOURSELF, and your husband controls HIMSELF. If someone else influences either of you into a situation you're not happy with (unless physical force is involved), then ultimately it's your own fault for allowing it.
I have a couple of thoughts...
So you don't pay rent...if that's the case milk that shiz for all it's worth. Save up a ton of money so one day you can purchase your dream house. Owning real estate is generally a good investment, still the american dream, and a goal it sounds like you should be focused on.
Regardless of whether you pay rent or not, I would treat it as a rental. So you can't change major things in a rental without the owner permission (but generally they are all for you upgrading things). So I would approach things as "we're updating the bathroom vanity, do you want us to do anything special with the old one". You also can change things you can change back. So, you can paint, but will need to be prepared to paint it back to the color it is now. You can certainily change out draperies, just pack those in storage boxes.
Where is all your stuff...how much stuff is theirs. Like the bedspread, the plates and all that. Did you register for stuff when you got married? What furniture do you have.
Can you give us an idea of what you want to replace (I know, all of it, but you can't do it all at once so make a wish list and perhaps we can help you step by step)
I don't really see the downside of re-decorating your livingroom, or kitchen or whatever room you want. What, are they going to punish you? Are you going to be yelled at if you move their furniture into a storage unit and say "We paid the first 3 months, if you want to keep-up the payments, here is the cost/contact info, if you want to donate it, we'll help, if you want to dump it, we'll help with that, too. Good luck,. we've updated the livingroom with things we purchsed ourselves."
Just buy paint and start painting. It makes a HUGE difference in a room. Then look for some well-priced furniture in your price range. Then purchase it. Maybe there are a few things you want to keep, maybe not. Coordinate moving the old stuff out with the delivery date of the new stuff.
My mother has "very expensive", "custome made" mozaic window treatments in her sun room. She was and remains delighted with them since she moved-into the house 30 years ago. They are g*d-awful, but any mention of the dated, dark, ugly look of them and all you'll hear is "they were very expensive, custome-made, it would cost a fortune to replace them nowadays." There is no convincing her otherwise. STOP trying - just buy new and replace at will.
Deal with the fall-out. She's entitled to get angry that you are bashing her taste and distrupting her storage arrangments of caste-off furniture and curtains. So be it. This is well worth 'making some waves' and getting your way. You LIVE there. Act like it. Be gentle with your husband but also be willing to go through some rough conversations with your husband to get on the same page and have him act like it, too.
Let's get one thing straight - stop referring to it as your husband's house. His parents own it. They bought it, as you say, with the intention of turning around and selling it at a profit. They're allowing your husband and you to live there because they can't sell for a profit right now and they trust you as tenants.
But make no mistake - if the market did a drastic turn around next month, and houses were selling like expensive hotcakes, your inlaws would be giving you a deadline to move out by so that they could get that house on the market.
So they nicely refer to this house as your husband's house. Well, it's "his" house in the same sense that my son's room is "his" room. It's his room in the sense that his stuff is in it, and he sleeps in it, and can spend as much time as he wants in it, and we don't charge him rent. However, he does not have permission to draw pictures on the walls of "his" room with crayons, or to make mud pies on the carpet in "his" room. Because it's our room in our house, and we're just letting him live in it. This is how you have to start thinking of the house that you are living in........it's nothing more than an extension of your inlaw's house, no matter what they refer to it as. If you're not happy living in someone's else's house with someone's else's rules and decor, then move out. And if your husband truly does care more about what his mother says than what his wife says and would stay behind should you choose to move, consider yourself lucky that you got rid of such a loser early on in your marriage, and look for a better man next time around.
First things first: you really need to clarify with your H and his parents what the EXACT arrangement is with the house. Did they gift it to him, are you merely renters, or are they just doing you a favor by letting you live there? Is his name on the deed? The mortgage? Do they intend to take possession of it again one day or intend to ever put it into your H's name? Could the two of you sell it? What would happen if you did redecorate without asking them? To be honest, the fact that you have to ask them says to me that it is NOT your H's house, so therefore not yours either.
Second, you and your H need to get on the same page with regards to your living situation. Is he fine with just living in this house without ever owning it? Does he ever want to move-even say 5, 10 years down the road? Does he care that you can't redecorate? It's not really playing any kind of "card" to tell him how you feel-that you feel like you are just living in his parents' house and you want a house of your own.
So get your own place and pay your own way. If you were in a rental with an unrelated landlord, you would not be allowed to paint or make major (or, likely) even minor changes without express permission, which could be denied.
And there is nothing 'technical' about your lack of ownership status. Your inlaws are letting you and their son use THEIR house. They're on the deed, they paid for it. It's theirs. You're an occupant, not an owner, and you apparently don't even pay rent. Count yourself lucky and enjoy the free ride, or get out and make your own home elsewhere.
The first thing to do is to have a complete and honest discussion with your DH. The house isn't his. He's not on the deed, he's not paying for it, etc. His parents are letting him use it, but ultimately, it's not his.
So, with that in mind, you have some options:
1) Stay in the house and treat as a rental. Sure, that means you don't get your own decorating style, but you save a ton of money and can really save towards buying your own property, which is the ideal situation.
2) Move out. If it bothers you that much (and I can see how it would be annoying), make sure you let your DH know it's important for the two of you to have your own place, rather than just living in a place his parent's own. Once you have your own place, you can decorate to your heart's content.
3) Buy the property from them. If your husband can't live without the property, maybe buy it from them. That way, he gets to keep it, your ILs get back (some) of their investment and you get to decorate it. (I actually don't really like this idea, because I still think you'd have issues and it's not a house you helped choose, but it's just an option to consider).
4) Ask ILs about paying for a storage unit. You're not paying rent, so how about renting a storage unit instead. Put all the lovely items you can't stand in storage, with the understanding you'll put everything back in the house when you leave. That way, they get to keep their ugly but expensive stuff, and you don't have to live with it. Everyone's happy.
You say in your OP that your ILs plan to sell this house one day so I don't see how it's a gift to your H; more likely, allowing him to live there is the "gift," not the actual home. That means they get to make the calls on how the house is decorated. If you don't like that, then it's time to find your own place.
I think your bigger problem though is that your H puts a higher priority on their thoughts and feelings than yours. You two are a team and if you aren't happy living under their rules and you can afford it, he should prioritize that over how it will impact his parents. Instead, the impact on his parents is taking priority over how you feel. Have you actually discussed wanting to move and your feelings about living there with him? What does he say?
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If you don't want to move, there are some things you can do to update the house. I would talk to his parents with your husband about how you feel, and find out what the non-negotiables on their part are. Then, let them know your plans so everyone is ok with it. Maybe they would be ok with you making over one or two rooms?
You can paint, buy slipcovers for furniture, use one room for storage of items you don't like (paintings, lamps, decorative objects, etc.). Purchase things you DO like (window treatments, art, whatever makes you happy.
I don't get see why you can't just pack up the expensive drapes and furniture and put them in the garage or storage. Start with the bedroom, make it your own with things you want and like. Painting walls is not like getting a tattoo. Walls can be repainted. I would start removing things I did not like looking at and replacing them with things more my taste. If you start small you can pretty much change things over and they are not even going to flip out if it is done gradually. They don't even live in the same town, so why are they knowing your business?
Everyone else is right about your DH and the house and his parents.
Your not wrong to feel as you do. But your ire should be directed at the boy you married primarily as well as yourself for giving up so much in the interest of getting cheap place to stay. Get an apartment and let the ILs rent to some other tenent.