New Jersey Nesties
LaVitaBella
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
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I'd be totally honest but gentle... b/c it COULD be his wife and then he'd feel that everyone hated her and he'd distance himself.
My brother and his wife have had a rocky few years... she wanted a divorce and he's been working so hard to try and keep them together- and she just keeps yanking him along.... we used to LOOOOVE her... and this new "her" is so upsetting to us all - and my brother is a different man, too... he would have never put up with this years ago- and would never have given us advice to do what he's doing - he would have told any of us to get the hell out... yet, here he is stuck and miserable while she takes years to decide what she wants....
he doesn't talk about her much with us- i think b/c he knows what we'll say.... and it sucks.
I'd advise your brother NOT to give out so much info about his girlfriends... I never share bad stuff about my husband with my family- b/c what are they supposed to do? They are going to get mad, right? Tell your brother to talk to friends if he's upset... but every time he b!tches about his girlfriend to his family- they are always going to side with him- and are not going to forget as fast as he does.
I've never had this problem, but that's probably because my siblings are younger than me and only my sister has been in a really long-term relationship (and I like her bf a lot).
Short of the SO being REALLY awful - stealing, blatantly cheating, treating the family like crap, etc. - I don't think I'd come out and just say I hated them or that they ought to break up for fear of damaging my relationship with my brother/sister. I'd try to be polite but would keep my distance. "Well, no that's not normal girlfriend behavior.....is that how you want to be treated?" ... I think that's the best you can do. Maybe also tack on, "I love you and I think you deserve better. But if you're happy then I'll support you" if they ask what you think of the SO. If they didn't ask my opinion then I'd just keep my mouth shut.
If the SO was really bad, though - like, drunk driving or sneaking money from my parents' house or something - then I'd flat-out say, "Look, this guy/girl is bad news and you really need to break things off before someone gets really hurt." Maybe not even invite them into my home.
That's also a good point ... if the only problem with the SO is that she's a little biitchy or they fight a lot or something trivial like that, then I'd just tell your brother to keep it to himself so that the rest of the family doesn't get biased against her.
Nope. My inlaws hated me and i honestly don't feel i did anything to deserve it. I can see why they think i'm evil, but whatever. They were pretty inconsiderate of DH's feelings once, and I encouraged him to stand up for himself. Suddenly he "wasn't who they knew" and they "blamed" me. Well, i encouraged him and supported him. I don't think that's a bad thing. I didn't get him upset about anything he wasn't upset about already, i just encouraged him to say "hey, i want to be treated nicely." So anyway, they hated me, and made it clear that they disliked me, and all it did was make DH's life harder and make THEIR relationship worse. MIL almost didn't come to our wedding over it, she did- but she didn't smile once, not even for photos. She made herself look like an idiot, not me, not DH. We're happy and in love 7 years later.
So no. I wouldn't say anything. You don't need to like her. You also don't know HER side to the story, you don't know what happened before she did whatever she did. We all want to believe our brother/son is an amazing guy, and he very well may be, but amazing guys do crappy things to their girlfriends sometimes too. My husband is an amazing guy, and he's done some not-so-amazing things to me.
If i were directly asked i may say "Well, because of that time she did xxx to you, we feel you can do better and we worry you aren't treated how you deserve to be treated. we just want to see you have a happy life." And then see what he has to say, maybe ask him if he knows why she acted like that and if he had a part in making it happen. Maybe it'll clear the air and make you all more comfortable. But in reality here- you don't matter in their fights and problems. If they can work it out, that's all that matters. I'm sure many amazing and lifelong marriages held their share of drama in the beginning. You all should really just let it go, encourage your parents to get over it. All i know is i have vented to my mom about things DH did that made me irritated, and i'd hope they'd have let it go when i let it go. I never would have confided in her if she weren't forgiving enough to do so- she actually always defended HIM and put it in perspective for me LOL!
Good points ladies. We don't treat her differently or are mean. We have conversation and are nice. I'm not phony and don't text her or anything. Luckily according to him she doesn't pick up that anyone dislikes her.....he just knows because he's regretting how much he has shared about their arguments.
I don't ever want to hurt his feelings so I will always be nice. I'm just curious as to when someone asks if you like who they are dating....are you honest? And at what point in the relationship? It's the first 2 months for them.....so I feel like if he's asking, maybe now is the time to express my concern. There's that line where it matters what your family or people whose opinions you care about think and then it doesn't. My official stance to him is "I like her.". But I try to offer thinking points when he asks my opinion.
I've only had a couple situations like this with friends. I just stick with, "(S)he seems nice. I'm happy for you" and I don't go into specifics. And that's only if they bring it up - I don't bring it up unsolicited.
But these have all been situations where the SOs weren't really doing anything wrong - they were just trashy or annoying or going nowhere in life (bad/no job, living at home, irresponsible, etc.). It's not worth it to be to damage or destroy a friendship just to say, "Your boyfriend is kind of annoying and he's a mooch." If he's stealing cars or beating the shiit out of my friend, that's another story.
I was in this situation. We all hated her. My parents might not have "hated" her...but none of us were fond of her. She had this superiority complex that just made her look like a major ass. She wasn't good enough for my brother. They lived together and he bought a ring. Thank goodness...something stopped him! I don't know what happened but he had it for a loooooong time and never gave it to her. About a year later, we were all at lunch (my brothers, sister-in-law, and all of bro's friends)...and it came up that NONE of us liked her.
Of course...he's married now and it's not better. But, no, we don't say anything. I have to believe he knows that we're not crazy about his wife. But, then, we see them maybe 2-3 times a year so...does it really matter?
I think it's important to be honest, because, let's face it. If you family doesn't like your spouse, things get uncomfortable...they do. And it causes divide.
I think what you're doing is fine, like, well, Is that how you want to be treated? Would you ever treat her like that? Yes, he's going to stick up for her, but the point is out there.
It is such a hard situation. My BIL dated this girl that the whole family (MIL, FIL, SIL, other BIL and my DH) all couldn't stand. She was older and forcing him into a serious relationship and talked about how he had to propose soon after only a month. She also had a very jealous streak and always demaded expensive gifts.
No one said anything and after a short while he came home with a ring he couldn't afford that she picked out for herself. My MIL broke down with tears and all and begged him to wait a little while. He freaked out and said the whole reason he bought the ring was because it seemed that everyone liked her so he figured why wait.
He said she picked out the ring and knew he bought it and that they were basically engaged and that he couldn't get out of it. The relatioships with my BIL and the rest of the family is very stained now.