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has anyone met up with an ex after a very long time?
I dated a man from 1999 to 2001 who I thought was "the one". He was really the only man I ever loved before Rob. Obviously things didn't work out between us in the end...he was always apprehensive about marriage, but in the beginning that didn't matter to me and we had about 18 months of an awesome, fun relationship in every way....but the last few months, the "serious" issues came up and in the end, we had a very intense conversation which led to us parting ways. I have not ever seen him since. That was almost 11 years ago. I would occasionally over the years get an email or instant message from him but that's about it. He's married now and has 2 sons. About 3 years ago, he friended me on Facebook and again we'd occasionally message and catch up on life.
About a month ago, I sent him a message to say hi, ask about the holidays, etc and we ended up exchanging many emails and messages and talking a lot about what had happened with us in the past, how we both felt at the time and after we broke up, what led him to change his views and eventually get married (only 9 months after I did, actually). These conversations were so cathartic and revealing, I think we both came away with a much greater understanding of each other. Anyway, we made plans to meet for lunch next week. I have not seen him in 11 years. It's going to be so weird. I know some people are going to think it's odd or "questionable" that I am doing this...but there's nothing "wrong" going on here....and I'm just wondering if anyone else has had this type of experience, meeting up with someone very important from your past after a significant amount of time has passed, and what was it like for you?
Re: has anyone met up with an ex after a very long time?
No.
Is your husband ok with this? I can't imagine my hubby would be happy.... even with only the email conversations, let alone meeting up for lunch.
I'm friend-ly, at least on FB with almost every significant ex I've had. Including the one I lost my virginity to. As for the latter, I found his sister on FB maybe 4 years ago and we became friendly again. She invited B and I to a party she was having and her brother was going to be there with his wife. I hadn't seen him since my freshman year of college. According to his friends I'd ran into over the years, I totally broke his heart and it took him years to get over me. I'm not saying that to be an a-hole or full of myself. I really had no idea he was that upset over it. And he's married and happy. We were friended on FB but it was VERY casual and anytime I'd make a comment on his posts, he'd usually post something sarcastic back, but that's also his personality.
We we met in person at the party, he introduced me to his wife and she was like, "Oh, YOU'RE Tara"...and I was a little taken aback because obviously they'd discussed me and I'd have wanted to be a fly on THAT wall...but outside of that, all was fine.
I'd have met up with him alone too if it came up but it didn't. B wouldn't care. It was a little weird because I did think to myself- "Hmm. I used to F this guy. And I'm so far removed from his life...". But not weird in a sexual tension kind of way. Just weird in a "we used to be intimate and now I barely know you" kind of way.
If I saw the ex I almost married, which I've seen from a distance at college alumni stuff, it feels a little weird in the same way. But he really hurt me so all i feel mostly when I see him is that I'm glad he went bald like I said he would when we were in college and he had a full head of hair. I'm just psychic, man.
Have fun. I don't think it's "wrong" for you to meet up with him. It's your life and if it won't hurt your marriage then whatever. It's no one else's business. Everyone deals with ex's differently. I'm not a "once it's over, you never speak again" kind of person.
Yes, my husband is fine with it. My ex and I are not teenagers nor animals with no self-control, lol. My husband knows all about my ex, and he is not the least bit threatened.
I know it will be weird in a way as you described, Tara...I was intimate and so close to this man for almost 2 years and then *poof* it was over and he was gone from my life. I so thought he just got over me and then to find out he was getting married, well...I kind of felt like Meg Ryan from "When Harry Met Sally"...the whole time I kept telling myself that he didn't want to get married, but the truth is he just didn't want to marry me....but I've come to find out he was majorly depressed for 3 months after we broke up, wanted to call me but never did because he didn't want to screw up my life...and after meeting his now wife, he loosened up on his marriage beliefs because he said I changed him and he didn't want to end up losing another good woman because of his hangups/fears.
Rob is totally fine with it. I wouldn't go if he had a problem.
i saw my ex a couple times since getting married. We don't live close enough to actually make a "date" to see each other, but we've been in the same place a few times and made a point to make time for the other. We've also spent time chatting on AIM or whatever (jeez, haven't logged onto that thing in forever). We did have some good talks about what happened with us, and it was really theraputic and gave me a lot of closure. Even though i was married and HAPPY, and that book was closed, it was nice to seal it shut, ya know? My husband has no issues with it. The only way it would be wrong is if you personally still carry a flame for the guy and settled for your husband as 2nd place. But then, well, so much is wrong already LOL!
It was kinda awkward sometimes, especially because a lot of our relationship was sex and passion- not chit-chat. But at the same time as being awkward, it was comfortable- if that makes sense. I haven't seen him in a couple years though and he just got married.
I haven't seen my other 2 serious exes, but they both cheated on me so they would have some pretty big balls to attempt to friend me, and i would never seek them out.
When W was 3 months old I went to the wedding of a HS friend and my ex was there. We both knew the other would be there, so it was almost like planning to meet up, lol. It was the first time I'd seen him since getting married and having a child. I'd worked with him for a few years and gone to the same gym but after I got engaged he kinda disappeared. It was BEYOND awkward. I mean bad. He's not married, has no real significant other and is, for lack of a better word, a loser. Things did not pan out for him and he's just not at all where I assume he thought he would be by this juncture (31 at the time) in his life. For some reason, we ended up standing alone for a few minutes and I was asking him about his life, family, trying desperately to not let it be weird. I've know him since I was 13 years old and spent the better part of 10 years dating him - I was genuinely interested in seeing how he was doing. He cut right to the chase and, while looking at my rather seriously said, "To be quite honest with you, my life sucks." How do you reply to that???? What am I supposed to say to that??? I remember pulling my BFF aside in the hallway outside the reception room like we were in a Jon Hughes film and just freaking out. I mean....what am I supposed to do with that information????? Later, as we were saying our goodbye's, he shook my husband's hand (they'd met once before) and again, intently said to him, "take good care of them." REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, it was just beyond my ability to process. And for mh to have told me....I just know that it had to have been a very awkward exchange....he doesn't catch things like that easily, lol.
I'm not gonna lie, the whole evening stuck with me for a VERY long time. A VERY VERY long time. Honestly, it still bothers me. Things could have been different. And to see that now, after all that time he seemed to see his mistakes just really was hard to process. I did accept his friend request on FB. I don't have hard feelings, I'm happily married, and I wish him all the best.
I think that, like you, when you truly believe that you might spend the rest of your life with someone and it doesn't turn out it's interesting to look back and possibly get answers. But sometimes, the answers don't help.
Good Luck
i haven't met up with him in person, but we are friends on FB now. we exchanged a few emails and it was nice to get closure. i didn't really understand why we broke up and he just stopped taking my calls. turns out he became a born-again Christian around that time and i'm a non-practicing Jew. wouldn't have ever worked out. plus he met his now wife around then too...for some reason that all kind of settled things for me. it was almost like finding out he was gay or something.
if i were to be in the same place as him i don't know that i would want to meet with him. i'm really ok with everything now, i don't have more questions and seeing him may just be awkward. i'd rather leave it as is.
good luck, i hope the meeting is good for you. i know my husband wouldn't be ok with me doing what you're doing so you're lucky he's supportive
I was about to say, I think they'll be okay...
I have...and it was odd, because as a previous poster said, you're so far removed from the life you used to share. And, it was a pleasant meal...no long glances, ,no wondering What if?....Honestly, it just reaffirmed that everything happens for a reason and just the way it's supposed to.
All valid questions
I don't "need" to see him. I've already, over the past month, had many conversations with him, via email and FB chat....and he has opened up and told me so much about himself, what happened with him while we were together, after we broke up, so many things I had NO clue about...that there's really nothing I need to get from him by meeting him for lunch. I would just really like to sit down and talk face to face with someone who meant so much to me, and who I now realize truly loved me. After our breakup, I never saw him again. On the occasions that we did communicate (mostly AOL messenger back in the day!) we had some very tense exchanges...me because I was hurt and guarded, and him for a variety of reasons I won't share on here. 11 years have passed. I have come to a place with him where I respect him, I truly appreciate him and our time together better, and I would consider him a friend. I know his intentions are noble....and really, even if they weren't, he can't talk me into doing anything I am not willing to do. It's very unlikely we'll ever see each other again.
I am happily married and have plenty of friends. I have no reason to meet up with an ex alone after all this time. I am friends with some on facebook and have actually been to a few function (weddings, reunions, parties) that they were at but that is about it.
I was asked by an ex to grab a drink and catch up at one of the parties but I didn't understand what couldn't be said while we were standing right there.
even if my Husband would be " cool" with it I wouldn't be in contact with my ex. I wonder what you think your getting out of seeing him vs e mail? why do you need closure from something so long ago? why does he?
To each their own, I guess. I don't know why it's so "taboo" to be in contact with an ex. I didn't "need" closure. This recent "re-connect" was just something that happened randomly, and it's actually made me feel great about our relationship and even our eventual break-up. He was a very important person in my life. And that doesn't make me him a threat to my marriage. I had 29 years of important experiences in my life before I met my husband. Just because this is a man that I was intimate with doesn't make it a threat or "playing with fire". But I know not all people understand this, and that's fine.
I have spoken to my ex from time to time. Not anything long or exchange on emails. Through FB only...Before I was married he and I had gotten together for a drink but only like 2 times. one was a beer the other a coffee. And that was it. I moved to Florida and lived there for 10 years. So there was no seeing him anywhere unless I came home. I have been in NJ for a year now and don't have the urge to want to see him..He and I have a lot of history together. Some wonderful some bad. It is what it is. My husband would totally have a problem with it. Its just who he is. and thats fine. I have no interest. If I ran into him at a social event...so be it. I'm sure we would catch up a lot. Although i do believe his girlfriend would have a problem with it as well.
For the OP i don't see any harm in it as long your H doesnt' mind or feel threatened. and you said he doesn't. so go for it. As long as you are happy in what you have now then it doesn't matter.