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PID - Experience with Divorce...
Very sadly, I am rapidly headed towards divorce. I found out that my husband is cheating and i am devastated. I just want to get the process over with as quickly as possible and hopefully not let it get too ugly since we have a child. I am a bit uncertain as to how to proceed in terms of finding a good lawyer, what is reasonable to pay and how the heck you emotionally survive all of this. Does anyone have any insight or experience they can share? Sorry to PID, I am much more of a lurker than a poster anyway, but I am just not ready to tell many people IRL (other than immediate family). Thanks....
Re: PID - Experience with Divorce...
Thank you. As devastated and angry as I am, I am just absolutely enraged that he did this to our child. He could have asked for a divorce vs. expose the family to the trauma of infidelity. I am praying that we are all better off in the end (well, except for him, trying hard not to care what happens to him).
*always remembering Annaleigh Lucy*
I am sorry you are going through this.
I have heard a lot of people talk about surviving infidelity.com.
Not sure how old your child is, but I read an article about counciling for the parents so they learn how to co-parent as divorced parents. That might be something to look into.
Thank you. It is really awful but I know we will get through it eventually. It just can't happen fast enough.
Thank you. Our daughter isn't 3 yet so I am not sure how to handle it. I asked him to leave but she keeps asking for him and it is breaking my heart. They have/had a good relationship on the surface, but I can't call him a good dad if he is willing to cheat. I will look into the co-parenting, etc. I am looking for a good counselor for myself and hope they can shed some light too. Will definitely check out surviviing infidelity.com. Thank you.
First off, sorry. It sucks, I assure you it will get easier, it does take alot of time.
I met with a few lawyers, all of whom offered free consultations. I was about to go with the one I felt most comfortable with which was important to me. I eventually didn't use one since we had no assets and we were able to come to child support/visitation agreement on our own. I did all the paperwork myself which turned out to be cheaper than grocery shopping for a month. I do not know what area you are in, but I would of went with Chase & Chase in Hackensack.
As far as how to get through it, don't loose sight of yourself. Still do things you like to do. Do whatever it is that makes you happy. If things are ending bad, a therapist would be good for your child as well as yourself. I found it comforting to have someone to talk to that had no clue who my DH was.
Remember while millions of people get married every day, millions also get divorced. You aren't alone. Feel free to PM me is you need to talk
I was going to suggest this website as well. I think it was mentioned on another nest board. You can at least vent there since you are not ready to share IRL! It will help you! You should also check out the nest board..starting over or trouble in paradise as those ladies off good advice about what steps you should take. Finally if you go to psychologytoday.com you can read profiles of counselors so maybe you will click with one! Sorry you are going through this.
i was divorced when my son was just 9 months (different reasons). I had no clue where i was headed my head was spinning, i was only working PT and had no clue how i was going to support myself and my child.
i couldnt have done it without a positive attitude and VERY supportive family and friends.
Its now been over a year and i have never been happier! I managed to get myself in a new profession and am able to support myself and my son. I am also in a very HEALTHY relationship. I have never ever looked back.
This didnt happen over night, and there are days where being a single mom is TOUGH but for my son i knew i had to have courage and stregnth to provide him with the life he deserves.
Your at the bottom right now, take it month by month, week by week, day by day...
(((((HUGS))))
This post doesnt really answer your question, however people telling me stories def got me by.
Start with calling a laywer for yourself
You and your LO are going to do beautifully!!! Hopefully he'll come through and fulfill his fatherhood role well and you'll find a way to be amicable with that. Good luck getting through the worst of it and know the best is yet to come for you and your LO!!!
Thank you for sharing your experience and opening up yourself to talk more about it. We do have assets and a bit of a complicated financial scenario so I think a lawyer will be necessary. I want someone very good/knowledgeable and aggressive as necessary, but not someone just looking to turn it into an all out war. As hurt as I am, I know that no good will come of that. I am trying to "find myself" in all of this but right now I feel lost. I know that I am not alone in it, and I guess that helps in some small way but not quite yet. Thanks again.
Thanks so much for the advice. I think a good counselor is key to surviving this in a good place so I will check out that website. I had lurked a bit on Trouble in Paradise but forgot about Starting Over. I will go check that out tonight. It does feel good to vent!
This is very helpful. It really helps to know that you can get through it and end up in a much better place. Everyone keeps telling me that but it is hard to believe. Always helpful to see proof. I actually met with one lawyer today and it was comforting just to take action and not feel so helpless. I am just not sure how to evaluate this lawyer vs. anyone else. Thanks and glad to hear you are doing so well.
First, hugs. It's going to be rough, but your happiness is worth it.
DO NOT sign ANYTHING without having a lawyer review it. It's going to cost anywhere between 4-7K depending on money, property and child support/custody issues...it may take up to 18 months before you're divorce is final. Some men become different people during the divorce process, so don't expect him to be nice or even human at times.
I saw a therapist and it made me feel so much better, and I knew I had made the right decision...I went twice then just talked to friends and kept a journal.
YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. PM is you need to talk.
Thank you! I agree on making sure to act only with the advise of a lawyer. My husband makes quite a bit of money and we have been married for a number of years so I want to make sure that my daughter and i get what we are entitled to. I feel completely overwhelmed right now but am trying hard to trust that I will be happier in the long-run. Just wishing the awful part would end soon (it has only been a few days since I found out). Thanks for sharing your experience.
IDK what area you are from my friend (no really my friend) found out her husband was cheating on her for 9 months. Anyway she ended up divorcing but went to this therapist and still actually goes now just because she found it so helpful.
The best part was this therapist called it like she saw it and called the cheater a narcissist!! It was hard at the time but my friend needed to hear it! It helped her immensely.
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_detail.php?profid=44965&sid=1329356965.8239_15509&city=Montville&county=Morris&state=NJ
Thank you! Unfortunately, this counselor is a bit from from me but I believe my husband is also a complete narcissist and i know that it will help me to talk it out and figure out what the hell to do next. Appreciate the contact info.
Good luck and stay strong. My divorce was very simple we used a mediator an then I hired a lawyer to file an represent me. The whole thing was under 5k and the process took about 5 months.
Feel free to pm me if you would like.
no advice, but offering support.... i'm so sorry- i hope some on here can give you some advice/info. I know a few have been through it.
(((HUGS)))
I was divorced last February. My ex also cheated so I wanted it over as quickly as posssible.
My boyfriend was also from a similar situation (his ex cheated on him - she was a teacher and had an affair with the IT guy at her school) and he has two boys. I would highly recommend his attorney since there is custody involved but know he paid a pretty penny since it dragged out and he wasn't willing to have less than 50% custody. My attorney who I also recommend was fairly inexpensive in Maywood NJ ($2k for the whole thing but that was because it was uncontested and children were involved). The costs will be solely dependent if you can come to an agreement regarding the property settlement custody. If you can't, the costs can get out of hand.
Feel free to email me menudo1000 at yahoo dot com if you want to know exactly what my process was like (or my attorney's info) or just want to vent. It is probably the most painful thing I have ever been through (that includes losing my Dad) but I promise you that it will get better! Hang in there. A little over a year later, I couldn't be happier.
Therapy helped me come to terms with filing. I had the most amazing therapist who really helped me get the courage to file and identify how messed up my ex was (he also had an Anthony Weiner problem along with having an affair). Huffington Post also has a divorce section that helped me. There is also a Starting over board that I lurk on and the ladies there have been very helpful too (as were the ladies that were in the "know" on the NJ Board).
Do you know anyone IRL who is divorced and in your area? Ask them for Attu recommendations. I used two diff attys....well, one was a consult (where I obtained a wealth of knowledge) and the other I used to represent me, to act as a go-between when we got to any bumps, and to file for me - she also served as a wonderful support with her bluntness. I found it reassuring and comforting knowing she was grizzly bear on the outside but teddy bear on the inside. If you're in Bergen county and want her info, let me know. The other atty was great too - more aggressive in terms of "you should get this and try to go for that," but he also cost more and his location, while still in bergen county, was less convenient for me.
We used a mediator to iron out the agreement (I wouldn't recommend her - I felt she took the role of the devils advocate to the extreme and was more sympathetic to my exH than to me, regardless of the fact that he was in the wrong, although it wasn't a cheating issue, at least not that I'm aware of, and I left there angry each time, rather than feeling more at peace about things....and this in spite of me encouraging visitation, taking less than I was entitled to in other areas, etc.).
My two cents is to encourage his relationship with you daughter. The more LO e a child has, the better. As for his absence from your house, I explained it to my little one as daddy lives in another house now so you get two bedrooms all to yourself, then we went to pick out paint for the new room - seeing me involved with the process of the new room really made it easier I believe. And I a,so believe that the younger the better. My LO was older than yours and barely remembers him ever having lived with us at all, and I have a child who remembers about everything.
As for how you work past it emotionally...time. Again, mine wasn't an infidelity issue, but there was a broken trust. As for seeing proof that it dies get easier, I'm remarried and have another baby, in a happy, healthy marriage. I went back to work full time after the divorce and love my job. I'm right where I dreamed I would be, life just took me through some major twists and turns to get here, but I learned a hell of a lot and in the end am better for it. we are all better, happier people post divorce.
I've said it here before, but it bears repeating: going through my divorce last February was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. There was no infidelity in my case, but in the end, the process is the process.
You can choose to file on the grounds of adultery, but all that does is complicate an already complex process and drag your families through mud. Irreconcilable Differences is the most common filing, and the one that'll get you through all this the quickest.
Beyond that, talk to a lot of lawyers. Get free legal advice -- as much as you can. Go with your gut. Confide your deepest and darkest in one or two close friends, but not family members -- they'll be supportive, but I think they're too close to the situation to be anything more than a choir for your preaching. Go to therapy if you feel it'll help. And keep your child insulated from the drama, and try to maintain an open line of communication with your stbxh.
It won't be fast, and it will be tough. One lawyer I met with said to look at it not as a sprint, but as a marathon. It's so true.
In the end, you will get through this feeling stronger than you ever imagined.
Best of luck to you!
I doubt that anyone is still checking this post, but I wanted to sincerely thank the last few posters for sharing their experiences. In all the drama that has been going on, I haven't been back on here to read your posts until now. The infidelity part of the situation is really awful b/c it causes me to look back and doubt so much of our marriage, but at the same time, it does remove some of the ambiguity from my decision so I am grateful for the small comfort that brings. I am thrilled to hear that you are all happier now and I know the road is going to be hellish but I just want to get it going and over with. Congrats to those of you who found new love and are having little ones - such a hopeful thought for me.