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Update: Tried to talk to my family...
My Mom must have magical powers or something, because her side of the family wants nothing to do with me. She has filled their heads with so many lies about me and they all think I'm a horrible daugther who had an affair and is being "mean to her Mom." I tried to call my aunt, no answer and no phone call back. I emailed her, no response. She usually calls back within a few hours, and when I email her, she almost always emails me back within the half hour (she is always on the computer). My Mommom talked to me for a very short period of time on the phone, but only to tell me that she doesn't appreciate me calling to talk to her about my Mom - which I wasn't, I was trying to ask that they don't take sides because I want a relationship with the rest of my family even if my Mom and I aren't getting along. My Poppop wouldn't even get on the phone to talk to me.
I'm going through a divorce, and originally, my grandparents said they would help me financially if I needed it - now they are saying they aren't giving me a single penny.
All because my Mom told them I'm being mean to her and I supposedly had an affair and lied about it. WHY IS EVERYONE BELIEVING HER??? What do I do about this? I can't get through to anyone! I'm not sleeping, I can't eat. I'm going through the most difficult time in my life, and my Mom just did the worst possible thing - took my support system away.
Re: Update: Tried to talk to my family...
You have no control over these people and can't force them to see you or your side. I'd say stop stressing out over it. It's very unfortunate that these people have taken the side of your mother, but at this point you need to take care of yourself and stop trying to "win them back."
I know it's difficult to accept loss, especially loss in your family, but you've got to find a way to take care of yourself. Continuing to go to these people and reach out is only hurting you more at this point. I'd back away.
I have to agree with doglove.
You tried. That's the important thing. You reached out to those people and had what must have been a very difficult conversation, but they've made up their minds. I wouldn't expend much more energy trying to convince them.
This isn't your mother's first freak out, right? They know how "she can be"? I'd say they are just taking the path of least resistence. If not, they are helping her to knock you into line - they don't see you as an individual who needs support - they agree with your mother and see you as someone who needs to report to her, for your own good.
This may all be hitting you at the same time, but you can either cave to your mother or face your independence on your own terms.
I hope you vote for yourself - and the thing is, if you make it pass this outrage of your mother's, then you'll really earn the respect of your extended family.
And you'll teach your mother how to really treat you - which doesn't include answering every call and reporting on your whereabouts whenever she wants.
Hint: Don't call up your grandparents and say, "Mommom, Hi -- I just want to make sure you're not taking sides in this war between my mom and me, and that you understand that my mom (your daughter) is spreading vicious lies about me."
When people replied to your PP and said that you needed to talk to your family and establish a relationship with them that's separate from your mom, that DID NOT mean run to family members and talk to them about this conflict and drama WITH your mom in an attempt to undo the damage your mom may have done. That's the opposite of "establishing a relationship that's separate from your mom." The key word is "separate."
You just played right into your mom's hand, goofball.
Wait a full week. Call up your grandmother. Have a conversation about the weather, tell her what funny things your kids have done or said lately, ask how she's doing lately, tell her about work, maybe ask if she'd like to do lunch with you and the kids sometime.
DO NOT mention the following topics: your mom, your divorce, other family members. If Mommom brings those topics up, don't take the bait and don't scold her for bringing it up. Just say, "eh, nothing new to report about that." Politely change the subject. Keep the conversation to 10 minutes. Promise to call again soon, just to chat.
Rinse. Repeat with other family members as necessary.
Yes. I don't want to attack you, but I'm wondering if there is more to the story that what we are hearing.
There is a disconnect here. Either your entire family is off their rocker too, and maybe it is best that you have nothing to do w/ any of them. Or there is something else to this story that we're not aware of.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I swear to you, there is nothing shady here. I'm not leaving out anything. My Mom has a habit of just creating drama. Here is another example....5 years ago, my Mom hacked into my sister-in-law's email (my brother's wife) and found an email message between her and a male friend. My Mom thought it looked like my sister-in-law was being inappropriate/cheating, so she made up a fake email address, sent the email to my brother, with the subject, "Thought you'd like to know what your wife is up to." My brother, since he is in the military, had the email traced and found out what was going on. He called the police and threatened to have my Mom arressted for her actions. He hasn't talked to my Mom since.
I'm my Mom's only other child and she has now alienated me from her life with this crap.
I agree with ReturnOfKuss, I understand that they are family, but why would you want to be around someone who doesn't respect you or treat you well?
Ok, you're doing it all wrong.
The advice to "develope ties with your family without your mom," means to create a separate relationship with them OVER TIME. This isn't going to happen overnight! And to call right after you and your mom have a fight RIGHTFULLY makes them think that you are calling them to pick sides. After all, your mom is bad-mouthing you, why wouldn't you be calling to badmouth HER?
Also, calling to say "please don't pick sides between me and my mom" makes your relationship with your extended family - ALL ABOUT YOUR MOM (which is what you should be avoiding).
The key is to reach out to them over time - with Easter pics of DS, calling once in a while (not when you've been excluded from something), arranging to take DC over, etc. Don't ASK them to "not pick sides," instead, don't talk about your mom at all. If they want to bring up you and your mom, just sweetly tell them you don't want to talk about it, you want to focus on your visit.
Trust me, as "family" they will try to butt into your business and tell you how you should contact your mom, "after all, she is your MOTHERRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....!" Just tell them you'd rather not talk about it and move to another topic. Be firm.
Your goal should be to "set them straight," unless they ask you about your boyfriend, where you can honestly tell them "I never had a boyfriend."
In the meantime, find some FRIENDS who act like family - who love you and care about you. Your mom's family could very well be crazycakes as well. And get some therapy!