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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: PSA about Birthday parties where you don't invite all
Mom to Teagan 4.11.07 and Cora 9.30.11
D&E @ 22w 9.30.09 CMV infection BFP 10.15.10 C/P 4w4d
Agree. I think this totally sums it up.
a) i think there's a difference between insulating your kids and teaching them to be inclusive when they're young.
b) i remember finding out that i wasn't invited to a party and i never mentioned it to my parents. their expectations/feelings never entered the mix.
No, but at a very young age, you are teaching exclusion, plain and simple. As they get older, they get it. They don't know. This comes from 10 years teaching elementary school and seeing what happens. Continue to believe it is inocuous. It really is not.
I will invite every child in my daughter's class, regardless of whether she was invited to his/her party. I am teaching my daughter that she can learn from kids she doesn't know well and can help develop better friendships than she used to have with some of these kids.
My daughter doesn't like the boys in her class, only a few. I used her birthday party as a chance to explain the value of opening up her mind to the good qualities in these children and getting to know them better. Does a 5 year old really know why she wants to leave some kids out? Or who she has to pick to "make the cut."
My four year old knew that she did not want certain kids there because they are mean to her. So yes, I do think they know.
Does a 5 year old also need 30 kids at their party? No.
I think it really depends on the age. E is 3, in the 2's class in pre-school and he's going to be with these kids until kindergarten, some throughout his whole public school life. And it's not daycare- it's preschool where most of the moms are SAH or only work part-time, we all know each other through school events, and they encourage a real "community" aspect of it. I'm not BFF's with any of the moms and I don't have a lot of time to do playdates but I do know the kids for the most part. The school doesn't allow invites or TY's to be distributed at school and they "strongly encourage" inviting the whole class.
I thought at first, who would even know who we invited or didn't but this year, birthday actually clicked for E and did NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT his green cake and his party. So I would've felt like a total a-hole if I didn't invite the whole class. And I plan on doing that at least till kindergarten. I had to really trim the out-of-class friends but whatever. He sees these kids more. At 3, I can't believe everything he says so even if he says xyz kid is "not nice", the next day I ask who he played with and it's xyz. So I don't have a problem inviting xyz.
I also DO send him to every party I can. His school also strongly encourages the parties to be on sundays so everyone has an opportunity to go (it's a Jewish preschool and some kids may be observing Shabbat from fri-into saturday till sundown). For us Sunday is our only free day but the parties are almost all in a play place or something cool where for us, it's something to do with E that's definitely going to be fun, local and only cost the amount of money of a gift.
I don't see the big deal in telling her we can't afford it. That's another lesson to learn. Things cost money, and we can't do everything we want to do when we want to do it if we don't have the money for it.
i was thinking the same thing.
and aside. when having a birthday party some places have a MAX of kids you can invite. so if you include friends AND school friends you may be at the max. OR you may not have enough room at your hosue.
and if my kid says i don't play with blah blah cause she's mean to me. why would my kid want her invited.
and i remember not being invited to parties as a kid and i never told my parents. i just kinda got over it and moved on. and if my kid comes home and tells me this. i'll say well sweetie i am sorry and i feel badly. but sometimes you just can't have everything.
im sorry but its life as tough as it is for a kid at the MOMENT they will move on. its not what is going to put them in therapy. and seriously if it is...i want that kids life because if that is the worse thing that happens in their lives they had it great.
seriously i cannot afford to invite all 20 freaking kids in my daughters preschool class AND our friends kids.
I don't think anyone here said they excluded only a handful of kids and invited the rest. And I do not see how inviting 10 of 20 kids as sucky either. Alot of places have a limit of 15 kids. A couple of places I called had a MAX of 15. I couldn't even pay extra for more kids if I wanted to. I'd have to do 2 sep sessions which means sep parties. How does that work out for a class of 25 or 30 kids?
But if you want Bounce U or Chuckie Cheese and you want to exclude 1/2 to 1/4 of the class, you are doing a sucky thing to other little kids, whether you realize/care/expect them to suck it up.
well quite honestly I am not worried about the other kids, just mine on his b day. Its my kids party he can chose what to do. I have said 'Ryan you can go here but you can only have 10 friends, or you can go here and have 17." he makes the choice. Why on earth should my kid have to do things he doesnt want to do on his b day. I am not saying every day but its his day. Its like telling you as the b day girl where to eat on your b day since its what the rest of your family wants.
d to the o!
After reading some responses above....I have to respectfully disagree with some of them. I "get" that what counts most is how your kid feels on his/her bday, but I do not think I could adopt that mentality if it meant hurting the feelings of four year olds. It's not a lesson I want to teach my child. Nor do I think it appropriate to teach a four year old that she must learn at such a young age that some people might just not like her, or like her as much as the others, etc. She probably "gets" that to some extent just by experiencing playtime at school. And she'll get it throughout life as she may be rejected for dates, jobs, etc. FOUR is not an age to teach her, "hey, you're not liked as much, life's tough, get over it." Because the rest of life is so tough, this is the age at which we're supposed to make children feel loved and secure so they have a good foundation (through self-security) to get through rejection when they are older. Having a bunch of kids running around talking about bday parties they're invited to that others aren't is just plain cruel, and it's terribly insensitive of other parents to not recognize it, or worse, not care for the sake of your child's "big day". What a terrible disservice to teach your child, not to mention the other children. Come September, if we can't afford to invite her entire K class, she'll have another family party. And I'll tell her, "we can't afford to invite the whole class, so we're having family and you can have cupcakes for all your friends at school." Teaching her the values of kindness--via the understanding it's important to be inclusive and compassionate to other children, and appreciate what we ARE able to do and afford and enjoy are a heck of a lot more important values to serve her through LIFE than are blowing those values off for the sake of her having everything she wants (and every child she doesn't) for that DAY. Thanks for the post. Interesting to see how others see this--but very disappointing, too. I can see inviting a few close friends when they are older, but at 3 and 4 years old, that's just not fair.
Not teaching your kids to cope, is what will likely put them in therapy. Life sucks and its hard and I am sorry but I dont think you need to keep a 3 yr olds feelings safe all the time. When things get tough as they get older they feel like the rug is pulled out from beneath them because they didnt learn from the beginning that mommy cant fix everything and sometimes we cry, and sometimes we dont get our way, and sometimes we are treated unfairly, and sometimes our friends hurt us. It sucks as a parent to see these kinds of things happen to your kid, but you arent there to make it all OK for your kids all the time, because no one's life is like that. You are there to teach them how to handle life's disappointments and help them move on from it. Not to allow not being invited to a party define them as a person or crush them as a 5 yr old. If they cant handle that.....then what happens to them as life throws them bigger problems?
What age is it appropriate to have them learn about disappointment?
In school I would sit down with a bunch of 4,5,6 year olds to play a game of memory and every single time at least 2-3 kids would say they didnt want to play unless they knew they were going to get a prize. WHY? Because you should get a prize just for playing?
I do make my kids feel loved and secure, but I cant control what the outside world does to them no matter how hard I try. But I can make sure they have a safe place to fall and I have built a strong character so they understand that it stinks, but life goes on. If at 4 yrs old, you let not being invited to a child's birthday party really affect your child, what happens when they are 12 and the BS really starts in school?
sing it sista! I hate how kids are so babied these days. not everyone wins soccer games or gets invited to every party. DEAL. As a parent its your job to teach your kid coping skills. yes its sad when a kid is upset but you know what, kids are resilient and they get over it. so should their parents.
Oh my word! This is just too much.
Over the course of this year, Aidan has been invited to one birthday party. ONE. I know other kids in his class have had birthdays. It's honestly not a big deal. Maybe in my neighborhood it's just a given that most of us can't afford to have 25 kids at a party (not counting family member's children) whether it's in my house or out of my house.
I honestly would LOVE to have a generous spirit and welcome everyone. My budget says I can't. Period. Plus, given the fact that not everyone is good about RSVP'ing, I don't want to worry about the kids that might just show up when I wasn't planning on them.
Maybe we should just cancel birthdays in general so nobody ever gets offended. Seems like the smart way to go. = P
my bil gets upset when we don't LET arabelle win at things when he is around. he constantly lets her win because he hates to hear her get upset. ok great. and i apprecaite that you love her. but seriously life is not ALL ABOUT her winning or being the most popular or going to all the kids parties. lilfe has disappointments and thats what makes the NON dissapointments that much better.
I never let them beat me.....I only lost 1 game of memory in 4 years and I was PISSED!!!! I had to give them all candy and they seriously told their parents and anyone who would listen that they finally beat me.
My son is a horrible sore loser. He doesnt want to play if he cant win and its so hard to keep making sure he doesnt quit. He will start to not do so great and try to stop playing. So if I let him win, what does that teach him? I want him to try harder and to be a good sport, and you dont always win because someone has to lose. I would be doing him such a disservice by not teaching him this from the start.
My son is a horrible sore loser. He doesnt want to play if he cant win and its so hard to keep making sure he doesnt quit. He will start to not do so great and try to stop playing. So if I let him win, what does that teach him? I want him to try harder and to be a good sport, and you dont always win because someone has to lose. I would be doing him such a disservice by not teaching him this from the start.
My older son is like this and we reinforce that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. Does he get it? Prob not but he repeats it and will tell anyone else that's how it goes but eventually it'll sink in. Right now he races his brother to the top of the stairs and always wins cause he's bigger and faster but soon enough Andrew will catch up and he'll learn you can't ALWAYS win. He's 3 - IMO this is the time to teach you don't always win. Same concept as the bday parties I think.
My 4 year old cried because he didn't want one girl at his party.
A day later he told me he is going to marry her. LOL.
and then they go to college, graduate & complain they don't have a job. Sorry, but just because you walked away with a diploma does not mean you have EARNED or IMPRESSED someone enough to hire you. You have to work at it and still won't get everything & anything you want.
I guess I am a mean parent because it's a lot of "well you are out of luck. not everything goes your way" we went to that disney on ice & my friends bought the crap sold there for their kids. I just told B matter of factly "You have one just like that at home it just has an elephant instead of Mickey" there was no meltdown, no carrying on, done, over with. We went home and he pulled out the same toy and played with it.
I am the parent of the kid who was left out/left behind - because he was a late walker & talker ...it hurt me more than it hurt him...munchkins were sent to school today - that was the party for 'everyone'...
hahaha...
I agree 100% as well