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How would you have handled this horrible situation? (LONG, sorry...)
I need real help and am too embarrassed to discuss this with IRL friends. There are so many women here who?s opinions I genuinely trust.
My daughter is 3 ? . She?s bright, funny, sassy, silly. She talks back to her parents, she goes to time out on a regular basis. I think she?s on the more ?spirited? side of being a normal kid. I don?t think she?s too much to handle. My husband and I are strict with her. She must say please and thank you upon all requests. She is being taught not to interrupt adults when they are speaking (we?re not there, but we remind her constantly). She has a schedule. We?re the parents, she?s the child. There?s minimal negotiation between her and us.
She goes to preschool 3 days a week and loves being there.
Her teacher sent a note home on Monday and on Wednesday of this past week, letting us know that she was not listening well during school. It was discussed at home, but she was not punished at all. Both times we made her promise to listen better the next time. Fail on our part?
Friday, her teacher, Miss Lauren, was taking the children out to the playground when I went to pick up my daughter. I saw her from afar and she yelled to me ?I wrote a note on her sheet.? Thinking it was more of the not listening I said ?uh-oh, thanks for letting me know? and I giggled?
The note said ?Mr. John asked your daughter to do something, she said ?no? and spit in his face.? I was alone with my daughter in the class room and my eyes started tearing up. I got down to my daughters face and said ?YOU SPIT IN MR. JOHN?S FACE? HOW DARE YOU? THAT IS THE WORST THING YOU COULD EVER DO TO SOMEONE.? Assessing my tone and my tears, she realized she did something bad. She cried, said she was sorry. I was disgusted, horrified, humiliated.
After we got home, I called her teacher. Mr. John had left for the day so I spoke with Miss Lauren who told me again what had happened. She said that my daughter went to time out and had to apologize to Mr. John.
She was punished. We didn?t listen to the radio on the way home, she watched no tv at home, had no toys in the bath and went to bed an hour early. When my husband got home, we spoke again about what a terrible thing she did.
She spit at 2 people on Saturday, her cousin who is her age and a 13 year old cousin. Both times I was there and she went to time out. Looking back, I think we should have left the party we were at when she did it the first time, but we didn?t.
WHAT IS AN APPROPRIATE PUNISHMENT FOR THIS BEHAVIOR? Did we not do enough? Too much? Something more age appropriate? I?m lost here.
I can?t stress enough that my husband and I want to convey to her that this is a most unacceptable behavior. We?re meeting with Mr. John this afternoon to apologize to him and talk more about it.
Also, any words of encouragement for a mom who feels like an absolute failure are greatly appreciated? thanks.
Re: How would you have handled this horrible situation? (LONG, sorry...)
I agree with 50ftqueenie. That's what we try to do as well.
And you should not be embarrassed!!! Kids do wacky stuff. As long as you aren't OK with it she will get it!
I can not give you words of wisdom as a parent but I can give you advice as a preschool teacher with over 10 years experience. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP! Kids will do the craziest things and you will not always have control over them. The fact that you are open and speaking with the teacher is the first step in the right direction. Time out may not be the correct punishment for her this time. If this is an act you want to stop immediatly then you have to find a punishement that gets to her right away (going to her room, early bed, no playdate, leaving the party, etc). Stick with it and don't be afraid to inforce the punishment in any situation that arises. (home, Party, etc)
As far as school goes is it possible to pick her up and remove her from school if she does it there? If not can you ask them to call you or YH and you can talk to her on the phone and reiterate what the consequence will be? This has been effective for me when a child is pushing the boundaries because they quickly learn that mom and dad are still going to inforce a consequence.
Just keep remembering that this to shall pass
Oh boy ... I can see why you feel bad (and I would, too), but you're not a failure. Kids do things.
I'm not a mom, so take this for what it's worth ... when you tell her that she did something wrong, do you tell her that things like this hurt other people's feelings? Like, "Mr. John is nice to you, so when you spit at him it made him feel bad"? Or, "If you do things like spitting at people, it makes them not want to be around you"? I just remember the things that stuck with me as a kid were the things where I was aware of someone else's feelings. I was absolutely told that things were the wrong things to do, but the ones that really hit home were the ones where it clicked for me that my actions made someone else feel bad, or dislike me, or that they were things I wouldn't appreciate being done to me. Like, it was one thing to be told that an action was wrong, but sometimes it just didn't click for me WHY it was wrong.
I have several family members and friends who are teachers, and knowing them I can tell you that the teacher will probably just appreciate that you've taken the time to have your daughter apologize and that you're taking the steps to correct her behavior. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a loved one say that a kid did something wrong, and the parents either (a) completely ignored the situation, or (b) came into school and yelled at the teacher as if it was his/her fault. My teacher loved ones know that kids aren't perfect, and they also know that they take their cues from what they see at home ... kids (and adults) do the wrong thing sometimes, but the important thing is that they learn from it. Some people just refuse to reprimand their kids, so I'm sure Mr. John appreciates that you're doing the right thing here. And I'm sure he's had TONS of other kids hit, spit, etc. at him during his career.
i would have had the same reaction you did.
one i'd wonder where she is getting the spitting behavior from? do other kids at school do it? do one of her cousins do it?
i have a very spirited kid as well! just be constant on the behavior equals punishment and the SAME punishment. she needs to get that actions have consequences.
and seriously stop beating youself up. i have a little dictator on my hands.
thank you all so much for your responses. right now, I'm struggling with appropriateness of the punishment because nothing seems to phase her. time out, doesn't get her upset and we use it all the time, so it doesn't really convey the seriousness of the situation. leaving the party on saturday probably would have hit home, but I admit *I* didn't want to leave the party, so I didn't put it out there as an option. Probably what shoudl have been done, but it's over.
For the pp that is a preschool teacher - thank you for your POV. My top concern today is letting her teachers know we are working to make her understand what she did was very wrong.
I was going to say something along these lines. Having a 3.5 y/o daughter myself, I can totally relate...if it were THAT horrible, don't you think the teacher would have called you and asked to have her picked up immediately? Unfortunately, these things happen.
TO has never been effective with Bella so we either remove her immediately (I would have left the party if she did what your daughter did) or take something away immediately.
don't beat yourself up!
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I admit, I'm having trouble with the dwelling, revisiting, and obviously beating myself up. working on all of them. I want to do exactly what is right in this situation and it's hard, having not been in this situation ever before...
I work with kids but dont have any yet but I wouldn't overanalyze it either. The only thing I think of is, could she be seeking negative attention? You listed your expectations of her and said she goes to time out daily etc so could this be her way of seeking out attention in class? esp maybe if she is in a larger group?
Im from the mindset of ...can you and the school staff up the praise for when she is doing things right? So she is getting positive attention also. I am all about consistency, etc but I also think taking notice of good behavior and surprise rewards are nice too! Like out of the blue, Wow I got a great report from the preschool today, let's go to the dollar store...or get a happy meal etc. Just random praises are effective too. As a teacher I realize it's easier to notice behaviors that need correcting and then the kids that are listening, we don't always remember to acknowledge their great behavior. Maybe balancing it will help decrease the negative attention seeking. Like if you think about it, after she did this, she received attention from everyone repeatedly....that may be why she repeated it at the party.
Having worked at a daycare before too, I know you as a parent feel mortified by her behavior but I doubt it is the worst they have seen. I dont think its like an unbelievable behavior....where they will look at you or your child and think what a mess....I think its normal for kids to seek attention and press limits. I think that once its over it shouldnt be dragged on or talked about feeding negative attention. I think its over, punishment done, and then everyone should move on and try to increase positive enforcement.
Either way, good luck!
Maybe you can reward her for good behavior. Like a positive points program. Punishing her for the bad behavior doesn't seem to be working. Start small...No note today=10 minutes more TV tonight.
Get the teacher involved also.
My nephew was a hitter and this seemed to work with him..
Ditto this!
thank you all so much for your input. We did meet with her teachers yesterday, again, mainly to let them know we are sorry and that we're working on eliminating the behavior.
we had a great day yesterday. we made a chart where we put stars each time she does a good thing. she got 3 yesterday! her teachers are also doing a star chart for good behavior at school.
we also do need to figure out what we will do if she spits again. We're not really getting to her with the punishments we've chosen. We'll figure it out.
Thanks again for all of your suggestions.