I hate... MIL issue

Steph1976

I absolutely hate that I have to tell my son he can't bring his new Peter Pan and Captain Hook plush dolls to play with at my MIL's house because everything that goes over there comes back reeking of smoke.  I regularly make him strip down the moment he comes home because he smells.  I hate hearing him cry and knowing that she's the reason I'm forced to upset my son.  Vent over.

andreas4dogs

Can she come visit him at your house? So he isn't exposed 'as much' to the smoke?

Steph1976

Unfortunately, (and it's only out of dire necessity) she watches him 1 and 1/2 days during the week while my husband and I are at work.  (The half day - she picks him up from school)  She can't watch him at our house because she is also watching our niece who lives in the other side of the Mother-Daughter house my MIL shares with my SIL and her husband.

ATSBRIDE

Yikes..not to be snarky but I would really look into another means for child care for him. That's so much for him to be exposed too. 

browneyedgrl4282

I have the same problem with a family member! Every single time they are around my kids they smell of smoke! If he puts his coat on top of ours we have to was it immediately!

AmyRob04

That sucks. Is she smoking in front of him? That would concern me. Regardless, if she has to watch him, I'd ge him a few special toys JUST for her house.

oct11bride03

ATSBRIDE:

Yikes..not to be snarky but I would really look into another means for child care for him. That's so much for him to be exposed too. 

I know you've mentioned this set up before but I really think you need to find another arrangement. He's being exposed to some incredibly harmful stuff being there.  

Steph1976

Not snarky at all - believe me, I've looked into other options.  My parents watch him one full and two 1/2 days during the week.  He goes to school 1/2 days on M, W, F.  Next year, we're moving to 3 full days so we'll only need someone on Tuesday and Thursday.  I'm hoping my parents will cover both those days so I don't need to deal with this for another year. 

Steph1976

From what I understand and from what Josh tells me, she doesn't smoke directly in front of him in the house, but at times she's smoked in the car with the windows open.  Believe me when I say, I flipped my s$%^ when I heard about that.  She does smoke regularly in the house when he's not there though.  I could go on for days about the lies she has told us about quitting multiple times.  My husband is fed up and she's so stuck in her ways. And in all honesty, she scares me and if I say something it's not going to be pretty on either end. 

I am normally one of those people who hate when someone complains about something they have the ability to do something about.  I'm at a loss as to what to do at this point. I don't want my son to not see his grandmother, and I don't want to cause more heartache for my husband who has been dealing with this for years...

ATSBRIDE

Its a tough situation and I totally get that its one of those things that unless you're in the situation it's hard to just say - find someone else.

I would at least hope she could go outside while he's there or something. But maybe get him a second set for her house? Good Luck!!! 

AngelF16

Oh, this would drive me crazy too! I am super sensitive to the smell of cigarette smoke. Just walking by a heavy smoker in a store makes my eyes teary. Anyway, I can't believe that people still smoke in their homes or in their cars. I find it so disgusting, I would ask her outright to please not smoke inside when he is there. (though the house will still smell anyway if she smokes other times inside). This is so hard because you don't want your child exposed to this horrible stuff, but at the same you are stuck needed her help. Have you talked with her directly about your concerns, not just of the smell but the exposure to the harmful effects of secondhand and even thirdhand smoke.I find that so selfish, and have a hard time understanding it because when you have kids/grandkids you make a lot of sacrifices. Sounds like a tough one to talk to, maybe she needs a kid perspective like...grandma, I don't like that smell, it makes me cough and feel yucky! Who knows, maybe she will feel bad then. Good luck, I would be very stressed by this too.

Reilly626

Unwound just buy another one for her house.

debfife

My Dad quit smoking 2 years ago and his house still smells. So even if she quit it's not going to go away. 

Can you buy him another set of those toys to keep over there?  

hookersbabe

debfife:

My Dad quit smoking 2 years ago and his house still smells. So even if she quit it's not going to go away. 

Can you buy him another set of those toys to keep over there?  

i would suggest this as a short term fix...i mean, even is she stops smoking, unless you rip up all the carpets, scrub and paint all the walls, clean out the vents, and replace all the furniture, its still going to smell.  hopefully your plan works out and this will be a non-issue going forward...

question though...just kind of thinking out loud, i guess...do your bil/sil have the same concerns or do they smoke as well? can she watch the kids on the "daughter" side of the house to avoid the smells?

Steph1976

Unfortunately, my BIL smokes - only in the basement, but still... the basement is connected on both sides.

Steph1976

And luckily this morning, he was content with taking his plastic Star Wars action figures.

ghl

I know how you feel. My MIL doesn't smoke but FIL smokes like a chimney indoors and that's the reason DH and I agreed we wouldn't take A over to their home much - I'm ok with very short visits and outdoors time, and we try to stop by on Christmas day since MIL hosts her extended family then. They are welcome at our home any time (where FIL knows he has to smoke outside) and we invite them out places, but we're trying to limit the exposure to smoke. MIL has often helped us out with babysitting but she generally comes over to our house.  Even at our house, A ends up smelling like an ashtray and we bathe him when she leaves, because MILs clothes still have FILs smoke residue all over them. I feel bad because it's not her at all, she's never picked up a cigarette in her life and hates that FIL smokes.

What I would suggest for the interim is to pick a couple toys that are easy to clean,  some new ones if that would perk up your son about not being able to bring over his peter pan ones, and those are the ones he can regularly bring to MIL's house. I stick to ones that are solid plastic and can be wiped down easily, not his stuffed toys.

Bashert628

Ugh that really sucks. I've stopped going over DH's grandparent's house when we visit his mom in PA because his grandpa smokes cigars and everyone reeks of smoke when they leave. I refuse to expose my kids to that and told my MIL if her parents want to see the kids they need to do so at her house (she lives about 15 minutes from them). I feel bad making them drive or having someone drive them, but I don't feel bad because my kids' lungs don't need to inhale that and I shouldn't have to do a load of laundry/give baths/dry clean my coat the minute we leave their house.

jessNdean

oh that really sucks. i know the feeling.  my MIL smokes in her house. in the kitchen even with my daughter there. her son smokes too.  He has a 6 month old baby that stays over there too and they still smoke.  they know how i feel about that. but they just dont listen.  we dont go over there that much.  and she does NOT watch my daughter.

Steph1976

My MIL believes that scientific/medical reports can be skewed to make you believe something.  She refuses, as idiotic as it sounds, to believe that she will get cancer from smoking or that it has effects on a growing child. She says she smoke throughout all of her pregnancies and all while her kids were growing up and according to her they're all fine.  Ummm no - my husband is prone to pneumonia, my sister in law (the one who lives with her) is an undocumented case of ADHD as well as has a definite learning disability and has never been a particularly healthy person, and my other sister in law has a history of depression.  My niece (who lives in the house) has had to be hospitalized a few times because of respiratory infections and is regularly on a nebulizer.  Ugh, the ignorance kills me! 

hookersbabe

one thing i have learned in the past 15 months, is that it is very easy to say "i would never ____" when you're not in the situation...if you had other options, obviously you would take them, but you're doing the best you can with the options you have! i hope some of the suggestions above work, and that everything comes together for you in september!

CLord

Just sending hugs... I can imagine this is really hard to deal with.  Family issues in general are hard.  It's hard to know what battles to pick-- you absolutely have good cause to be upset, but it doesn't make it any easier.  It's a very sticky situation and I feel for you!  Sounds like there may be light at the end of the tunnel when your son goes to school for a longer day.  Hang in there.

 

TSD

I know how hard this must be for you. Sorry. I have a close friend who's FIL smokes a lot. When she had her daughter, she told them they were welcome at her house but she wouldnt' be bringing the baby there because the baby ended up with smoke all over her. Plus her SIL's daughter who the MIL watched 5x a week there ended up with asthma & all kinds of breathing problems. This started an all out war where they didn't speak to or see his parents for years unless they had to be at an extended family function. But she wasn't relenting and neither were the IL's. The husband backed her up on it so at least it didn't ruin their marriage. But there were a lot of very tense years over it! The kid is 7 maybe and they've only recently made up in the last year.

Steph1976

I think the worst part is that even though my husband backs me up on all of this, sometimes I feel like it pits us against each other because we argue about how to deal with his mother.  And considering that he's just about given up with her, I get angry that he won't say anything!!!

randp

hi stephanie,  that really stinks that you are dealing with this.  my dad used to smoke too (both my parents did, but my mom quit years ago).  my dad did end up getting lung cancer and he died ~7years ago.  when i was younger, my friend's dad used to think i smoked because my clothes smelled.  it is just hard to get the smell out of things, so i hear you.

maybe your parents can watch josh on the m,w,f  that he is at school so they can pick him up and then you can send josh to daycare for the other 2 days.  at his age, i bet he'd really enjoy it. 

hope you find a solution.  that is really frustrating.