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Inlaws TIP and that monster that is FB...*sigh*
So, I've never really formally sat down and told you all the horrors that are my in-laws...one day, when you're all bored, I will...
Long story short: my BIL and his GF visited DH, the baby and I on Sunday. I cooked, baked up a STORM and we had a really nice day. The GF proceeds to post a pic of herself holding the baby (not a fan of that, she didnt ask me first..but she's a nice girl, and I decided to let it go) and DH's sisters proceed to write on the picture "how does everyone get to see her, and noone sees my kids?" "I love how they dont even concern themselves with seeing my kids"..things to the effect that I only keep in touch with people who kiss my ass (huh?) - that I think Im better than other people (wha?) that Im selfish and dont care about other people's kids, all kinds of CRAZY Crazy things, it was escalating and fast.
His family is HUGELY toxic, confrontational (to the extent they enjoy fist fighting..oy) and he stays away from them. He also doesn't and will not argue with them, he ignores. He says they are crabs in a barrel (in that they will try to bring you down) he lives differently and wont acknowledge it. Says in the past, he used to fly off the handle and argue with them, and says ultimately they will never change and he's tired of it.
I call bullshyt on that (its been a source of our arguments) because I see it as being passive/doormat. I'm not that way. I admit to not running from a fight, and typically wont tolerate shenanigans. They know where I stand, because Im very upfront. Its ugly. I could be wrong in how I view his position, but this is also 5 years of dealing with trash.
So, I commented on the picture "SISTERNAMEHERE, Im not sure why you're airing dirty laundry on FB and especially on a photo of my daughter, but your niece is almost 8 months old and you've never met her, and you've never asked to meet her. And thats your right, and fine with me HOWEVER you dont get to complain about other people spending time with her OR how we dont see your sons because you do not keep in touch. Further, I feel like FB provides a platform for people to spew shyt they dont normally have it in them to say once face to face. If you have anything else you feel you need to get off your chest, feel free to contact me directly"
Im pissed at myself because I fed into it, but I really want to scratch her eyes out. I hate them all. So, of course thats all it took and the rest came out of the woodwork like cockroaches to jump in on the fun. LOLOL. I didnt respond, I wont say another word but Im fired up.
DH agrees with me and feels my position is right but I shouldnt have fed into it. He pissed me off by saying a couple of things I interpreted as not really "having my back" (ok, partially childish I know) and so I went bananas on him.
I know he has no real relationship with them, but I refuse to have them in our lives. He agrees and doesnt want anything to do with them, and at the same time is hurt by their behavior and says "I wish everyone could get along" - um, not going to happen Pollyanna! All around it stinks and Im fed up.
Thats my TIP for the day.
*ugh*
...here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart)
Re: Inlaws TIP and that monster that is FB...*sigh*
Eh, from what you say here.... I see your DH's POV. He grew up w/ these people, he USED to stand up to them and fight. He found it did no good, so... he doesn't waste the energy. I don't know that I see that as being passive.
That being said- what isn't clear - what interaction do you have/not have with his family? Clearly you have a relationship w/ his brother. What about his sister and his parents? You say you refuse to have them in your lives and he agrees...??? So? What exactly is the situation?
If you all do keep the majority of them out of your lives, then what is it that he needs to fight them on anyhow?
Lastly, I can see VERY easily how he'd be conflicted. Not wanting to see his family doesn't mean that the decision doesn't hurt. I think it's a very natural feeling to WANT to have a normal family that gets along. especially if people around you have this themselves - I can see how it would absolutely hurt to not have that yourself. Cutting them out of your lives doesn't lessen that pain.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Okay.
I read SIL's comment as a nastygram to everyone who doesn't regularly show up at her house with a smile and a pie asking to enjoy her Little Preciouses. Not so much specifically at you.
I do find it a touch cute that you are saying that the family loves confrontation and that is exactly what you just gave them. You could have deleted the message, sent her a private message, just let the message sit there and make an asss of itself OR (bonus answer) taken a screenshot and sent it off to STFU, Parents.
But you didn't. You decided to participate in the fighting when your husband has explicitly said that he won't be a party to the silliness. And then got upset with you husband for not being party to the silliness.
Your're being really unfair to your husband. Not having your back? No. Not encouraging confrontational behavior. I know that you find behaving like an adult to be a sign of weakness, but it really isn't.
If you refuse to have them in your lives, then block them on Facebook Not unfriend but actually block. You can't control the behavior of other people. Your husband has accepted that. You really need to. If you don't like the drama, then don't participate in it.
I have an extended family that sounds a lot like your husband's. What are they doing today? Who is in jail? Who hates who? How is knocked up and piissed off at the baby daddy? I have no idea! And it is wonderful. It is not my job to police them, to call them out on their shenanigans, to make sure that they're not saying mean things about me unchecked, to make sure that "you're crazy" is spoken outloud when their actions are already screaming it.
You're in the wrong here.
Honestly, it doesn't matter what kind of hosebeast you're dealing with. You can only control your own actions. And your action was to post a throwdown on a very public forum. That's very immature. And, you know who else never backs down from a fight? The contestents on Jerry Springer. I think that illustrates a point that there is a very fine line between being courageous and standing your ground and being trashy. Don't allow yourself to be baited into being trashy.
If his family is like this, why in the world are you FB friends with them? If someone is creating drama on FB, I would delete them, or block them or whatever people do to dramatic people on facebook. I most certainly would not engage them.
And "refusing to have them in our lives" is not true when they're on FB, etc. People on FB are probably more involved in one's life than most!
So first, I have to know. If you don't back down from a confrontation and they literally fistfight for sport, does this mean you also throw down in the IL Family Fight Club?
As far as the rest of it, Donny is totally right... it's like the idiom about wrestling with pigs. You're getting dirty and the pigs are having fun. Why exactly are you fighting here? What are you hoping to accomplish? There's no winning this argument, and you're only looking more petty and dumb by the post.
Beyond that you can't say, oh we cut out H's family and then turn around and belittle his family for not hanging out with you. This is a mixed message. You need to sh*t or get off the pot.
Okay, really fast because Im leaving the house, and wont be back til later but:
I see all of your povs, I know I shouldnt have fed into it and therefore am just as wrong. Im inserting a HOWEVER here, I have had to deal with the crazy for 5 years and I've essentially had it. Ya know? Doesnt make me any less wrong, but Im just saying.
To give you background on his family: Sisters/moms got drunk and thought they wanted to start and try to get physical with me (wtf? LOL) that didnt fly. They apologized when sober, and months later, we invited them to our engagement party (there was like 150 people there). What did they do? Start a fight with cousins, and me and DH. Didnt speak to them for a long time.
They apologize again, you try again..and boom! They do something else.
We just found out on Sunday (while BIL and his GF were here) that apparently, my MIL cornered my DH's cousin's fiancee (follow that?) at our daughter's baptism, outside of the restaurant (sisters jumped in) and it almost got physical and one of our guests broke it up. Um, we didn't even know it happened - we were inside with the rest of our guests, and noone told us. Not the waitstaff, not anyone. I wondered why cousin and his wife left in a huff, but she's moody and can get like that so I didnt bother asking. DH and I are so embarassed. We both apologized, but wtf?
Also, the mom and sisters are not in contact with any of the rest of the family, noone speaks to them, invites them anywhere and its hurtful and embarassing for my DH, but he understands why. They cant behave. Ever.
There have been TONS of instances where they've done something to me personally, and I had cut them off before the baby. However, the baby was born, and he convinced me to try again..you know, grandma and aunts and stuff..so she has family, but its just not working.
We're having a St. Patty's party, and my evite went out. People emailed me before rsvp'ing to ask me if the mother and sisters would be there, otherwise they couldnt come. Its NUTS.
So now, he says he gives up. And dont get me wrong, I do understand his pov, in that it hurts to cut them off, however I wish for one day he can feel what its like to be me - Ive been the focus of their rage for a long time...and I've stood up for myself each time, but its old. All of it is.
LOL! No, I dont fistfight. I will definitely get my point across (argue if I have to) but no, I dont do the fistfighting thing.
Im not belittling them for not hanging out with us (I'll check to see if I explained myself correctly later) - we do not have a relationship with them, dont hang out with them. They are not on my Facebook as FB friends. They commented on a pic of my daughter that BIL's GF posted.
His sister is angry that her brother (my BIL) visited us and spent time with my daughter. Then proceeded to take the time to start talking about DH and I that we dont care about her kids because we dont visit, then turned it into a personal attack on me.
I'm not saying that to say "you're lying". I'm trying to point out that if YOU can't even be clear w/ YOURSELF over your relationship w/ them, then it's always going to be this mishmash of confusion/ of "we're talking" but "we're not talking", etc.
You and DH really need to sit down and figure out what the TWO OF YOU WANT then you ened to ACT ON IT. You all know how his mom and sister are. Nothing is going to chagne that. SO.... does he want contact w/ them and does he want to invite them to events even though other people may then opt not to come. Or does he want to cut off contact and focus on the peopel in his life who AREN'T crazy and he actualyl enjoys?
Honestly, I would recommend some counseling for him. This is a hard situation and it's not easy to cut out such close family members. Again- we all WANT the 'perfect family' and it can be really hard to reconcile that we don't, much less also reconciling that it might actually be best to not have these people in my life at all.
To be clear - is your DH hurt and embarassed that other people don't invite his mom and sister? If this is a "yes", even more reason as to why counseling might help. His mom and sister aren't him. At all. What other family chooses to do about his mom and sister has NOTHING to do w/ him. NOTHING. He needs to realize this. And perhaps he needs to realize that maybe it's the rest of his family that are smart and healthy for atually REALLY shutting out his mom and sister. Which is where he might need some help getting to.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Well you can't cut someone out of your life and expect that they'll be peaches and cream about you. Don't rise to their bait... you know they're confrontational, and they know you can see what they say about you. It takes a lot more strength sometimes to let it roll off your back (and honestly it will make them SO much angrier, haha).
YOu and your H need to sit down and figure out WTF you are going to do about his family. If you are cutting certain people off, then it needs to be complete. If they are out of your lives, don't engage. If he is letting them in a little at a time, you need to define your boundaries and enforce them. All of them. Every time.
It sounds like your H doesn't really know what he wants. That would drive me nuts. My MIL doesn't sound quite as bad as yours, but she caused plenty of problems in our marriage. The boundaries work, but you both have to be on the same page about it. Otherwise it all falls apart.
Also, your H really should be standing up for you. You should not be in this fight alone ever.
I agree with ECB as usual. If you are cutting them off, it needs to be complete. It can't be that you only see them sometimes, or continue to give them chances. They sound like complete animals, and yet, you still have a relationship with them, even if it's a dysfunctional one.
Just walk away from the mess that is that family. Delete them all from FB, change your phone number if you have to.
And God help the person who would ever try to get physical with me. I wouldn't lay a finger on them, but you can damn well guarantee I'd persecute to the fullest extent of the law, followed by a civil suit. I consider that a longer lasting repercussion than the bite marks I'd leave on their ankles.
Count me in the camp of "why on EARTH are you friends with people you want to cut out of your life?!" Because, really, I don't get it. Block them all, don't call them, don't invite them to things, whatever. If your husband wants to see them, so be it but you don't have to feed into it.
My ILs are nowhere near this bad but they do need to be cut off and for that reason I do not speak with them and they are blocked on FB. My husband still has a relationship with them and that's fine but I choose to live a non-toxic life!
Finally able to answer, so I'll do that quickly before its bath and bedtime routines..
The bolded parts I completely agree with you. I'll circle back to that, but I should clarify a couple of things:
I am NOT friends with his family on FB. ONLY his brother. My BIL and I get along (up to this point) extremely well. He is my daughter's godfather. I do not have his mother or sisters on my FB - though they have sent me numerous requests, I do not accept any of them. The only reason why I was able to engage in the drama, was because my BIL's GF posted a pic of her and my daughter and tagged me in it. They have no access to my FB wall, and thats the way I intend to keep it.
With regards to what I mean by "cutting them off" - They will do something that is so horrible, I want nothing to do with them. Husband agrees. 6-8 months go by, and he gets to feeling nostalgic/missing family and he approaches me about making a try, which always gets brought up like its a "last try". I try to convince him otherwise, we argue about it...he is very much into family, I feel for him and so I agree. They behave for a short period of time before they do *something*. Its ALWAYS something, and he'll initiate cutting them off. *They can only reach us via cell phones, noone has our home phone (because I was getting crazy drunken calls all hours of the night). I want them gone permanently, he is hurt by that. I've tried to understand his feelings and make a try at it KNOWING they will do something, but I cant do it anymore. I've told him that I am done, and that he needs to talk to someone about his feelings with regards to his family. I am in a place where I know this stuff is toxic, I dont want or need people like this in my life or my daughter's life. Its now time for him to work out his issues surrounding his family. PERIOD.
There's just so many horrible things that I wouldnt even get into here, I feel for him when it comes to his family. I understand that he wants a family that he's never had and is never going to, but sometimes its just time to realize that.
And I agree, he should be standing up for me. Its hard to express that while at the same time understanding why he doesnt engage with them. Im tired of all of it though and Im putting my foot down and saying no more letting them back in.
It's now going to affect our marriage and Im not willing to let them do that.
ohhh well that makes more sense. For what it's worth, I kinda thought your comment was funny, ha.
I guess somehow you have to decide as a couple what to do. Good luck