Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
my H has no idea how I feel
I've been lurking here for a while. I have been with my H for almost 12 years and married for 7. I have been fairly unhappy for quite some time. I am over it and I want to be done. I am at the point where I just don't care and don't want to try to fix anything. We share none of the same hobbies or interests, I feel like I have outgrown this relationship. I think I have known this for a long time, but was too afraid to act on the thoughts.
We do have a 3 year old, but I think we can separate fairly easily. I have an appt with a lawyer next week to see if the plan I am thinking is feasible. I also am seeing a therapist to help me talk things thru.
Here is what I am looking for feedback on:
He has no idea so when I tell him, I'm going to feel like I am blindsiding him. How crappy is that?
I know I am staying in the house. He will get 1/2 the equity and a few other things. So logistically, I am wondering how this is going to work. It will be up to him to find a place to go, but should I let him stay for a bit to figure out? What are your experiences with that?
Thanks and I am open to any advice you have to share.
Re: my H has no idea how I feel
I can totally understand where you are coming from and I have been there. I think meeting with a lawyer first is a really good idea to get all of your ducks in a row and have a request for a separation agreement in place, this way he cannot move funds, etc. I'm not sure why you think you'll stay in the house, he might fight you on that one.
I would suggest working things through in therapy before moving forward with anything. It very well could be that other things are making you unhappy and it's just manifesting itself in your relationship. Then you can feel confident moving forward in your decision.
I don't want to tell him anything until I have my ducks in row because I feel like I am past wanting to repair the relationship. We are essentially roommates. I come home, he leaves or goes in the basement. He is a good guy and a great dad, he just doesn't seem to want to be a husband. I feel like there is someone out there that is so much better for him. Someone that can make him happier and enjoy the same things as he does. Its not me.
We don't talk, we don't touch each other, we don't enjoy each other, we simply co-parent. I am alone a lot so I feel like my lifestyle isn't going to change a whole lot. He is gone a lot for work in the summer, so our child doesn't ever see him anyway and its just her and I.
I don't think he will fight me on the house because I have a pretty decent offer for him after my lawyer approves it. I have to believe he feels close to the same way I do, I think he might even be relieved once I say it out loud first.
My XH wasn't completely blindsided, but I think he was surprised at how quickly things deteriorated, and so, neither of us was prepared to move out or anything.
Initially, we tried to stay together in the house, each sleeping in different rooms, and that only worked for about two weeks. Initially, we decided that I would stay in the house and he would get an apartment, but that he would stay in the house for 2 months to get things in order before he moved. After our big blow up, I moved out for 6 weeks (stayed with my parents) and he stayed in the house for the remaining time. I moved because I had some place I could go immediately, while he didn't have friends or family that he could stay with in the time he needed to get an apartment together.
I think it would be nice to try to work together and give him a time frame for leaving (if he does indeed agree to leave.) But, I would have a back-up plan for where you will go if he decides he doesn't want to leave, or you decide that you can't deal with him in the time between when you talk about it and when he can actually leave, or in case you have a big fight like I did.
I feel like I could have written this myself. I was, and still am, in your shoes. I am the one who has been unhappy. I am the one who wants out.
I had told H that I was unhappy back in June and kind of slid around the idea of separation. We talked a little bit and then didn't talk again until October. Nothing had changed. I had made my decision. I wanted to leave, but I was worried about a custody fight so I put it off. Finally, based on the advice from the wonderful people here on SO, I decided to see a counselor. I got 3 free sessions through our EAP at work. H didn't know I was going and I went to the first 2 before I told him. I had also seen an attorney during that time and kinda threw it all at him. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to fully understand what I was saying. He still seemed to think we could work things out. But the thing was, I didn't/don't want to work things out.
The day before Valentine's Day I told him that I was filing. He went through stages of confusion, anger, sadness and kept questioning why I want to throw away what we have. But that's just it H, we don't have anything. And we haven't for quite some time. I saw the attorney on Valentine's Day and the paperwork is being filed this week. H can either pick it up or he'll get it served to him.
We're going to try our best to be as amicable as possible because of our girls. It's been hard though as we're both still living at the house and plan on it until we decide what we're going to do with it. Since I'm the one who wants all this, I've come to terms with it and am ok with staying on "friendly" terms with H; however, since this is new to him, he's been pretty mean to me at times. Almost childish at other times.
In fact, today is his birthday and although I didn't buy him a gift, I did get him a generic bday card. It's a card with a ripe banana and then a browned banana and it says "Being one day older only matters if you're a banana" which I thought related to us because I would always comment on how fast the bananas we'd get would brown and I wouldn't eat them. He didn't see the humor in it and said I shouldn't expect him to be happy. No, you're right. I don't expect us all to celebrate your bday and all be happy and joyous, but a thank you for the card would've been nice. Needless to say I was not invited to his parents house for his birthday dinner tonight.
So while our stories are very similar, I agree that you should get in to see a counselor and a consultation with an attorney. But alos, for the sake of your child, tell your H how you are feeling before he gets hit with papers. It will be hard, but it will make the next step so much easier and he'll probably be easier to talk to and reason with when it's about your feelings and intentions instead of the summons he just received. Good luck!
My stbxh blindsided me with a divorce. I had no idea he was feeling this way for a long time and it is one of the most painful experiences I ever had in my life. He was such an introvert that he never shared his feelings. Honestly, that makes him very selfish and he'd be the first to admit that. So my comment is going to be coming from a person that is in your H position and I am going to sound very mean.
You are blindsiding him. When I read your post, all I can think is "Why did you wait until you are on your wits ends and still not say anything to your H?" All relationships take works and maintenance so I don't understand why you didn't say anything to your H earlier on or anything at all. I also do think that is unfair to H, but again I don?t know your side nor do I know your reasoning behind not sharing H your feelings. I am in the camp of "If you don't say anything at all, it doesn't count. No one can read your mind". But it seems like your flame for him totally died and at this time, it sounds like you already made your decision to move on which makes the chances of reconsolidation extremely slim.
I think you know you are going to hurt him and I don?t think there is anything that can lessen that hurt. I would suggest talking to him before handing him the divorce papers that seems like such a slap in the face.
I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I plan to tell him how I feel after I talk to an attorney. I don't plan to just give him divorce papers. I just want to have a plan that we can talk about together. I think we can do it clean and stay very civil throughout the process. We live in a very small town and of course have a child together.
I don't think there is anything he can say or do to change my mind. We are so different. I have known this for a very long time but was way too scared to act on it. I feel now is the right time. It will always affect our child, but I feel that its better to do at a younger age than we they are older.
We haven't been intimate for over a month, I don't want to do anything with him so I make up all sorts of excuses. I wish he would cheat on me. That would make it easier. I know he isn't because I am confident he couldn't get away with it.
I don't want to start a fight with him or be mean, I just want to talk it out and lay all the cards on the table. We can have joint custody and I am willing (if he wants) to help him with finding a place to live and getting that all set up.
I am coming from Heavenly's point of view, and it's very hard for me to seperate that from your situation. Have you considered couples therapy? I only ask because 4 years ago you liked the guy enough to make a kid. You have been married a long time. There must be somehting about this guy that had you holding on. I think you owe it to yourself and your family to see if there is anything left there.
What made you decide to do this now? Have you met someone new? I mention that because usually there is a catalyst for change. What happened?