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Maybe you can help me understand. It's a book.
This is my first post to the nest, so I'll start by intruducing myself. My name is Charli, my husband's name is Robert. We've been married for 4 months. We're both 24.
This problem doesn't pertain to our marriage or relationship, well not directly. A few months ago, a childhood friend of mine (she's 6 years younger than me, our parents were best friends) hit a rough patch, got in a fight with her mom and left home. She lived in drug house and was using drugs herself.
About 2 months ago, she moved back in with her mom and was trying to get her life back on the right track she went to rehab for 6 weeks and came back. She did ok for the first week, but her and her mom got into another fight and was about to move back to the drug house. Her boyfriend called and asked if she could stay with us and of course we said she could. It was only supposed to be for a few months, until she got back on her feet. We didn't ask her to pay any bills, only to help around the house. The only real "rules" we set up were asking her to be in by 11 on week nights, call if she wasn't coming home, NO drugs, and she couldn't hang out with the people she was living with at the drug house (because of the no drug rule).
The first two weeks were good, we had no issues. She helped keep the house clean, came home when she was asked, and she stayed away from the old friends. Last weekend she ended up at the drug house. She told me she didn't use, and she wouldn't go back. I explained to her then, if it happened again we would have to ask her to leave. I nor my husband were going to deal with anyone staying with us using drugs. She said she understood.
Saturday night she ended up back at this house again. She told us she was staying with a friend for the night and they were having a movie night, and I believed her. My grandma came to dinner at our house that night and when my husband went to take her home, he seen her car at the drug house. He slowed down and wrote down her lisence plate number, just to make sure it was in fact her car. Sure enough, the plates matched.
The next day when she got home we asked her about where she was, and she lied. We told her he saw her car at the house and she came clean about everything. She said she had been sneaking around down there and was using drugs again. So we asked her to leave. I called her mom and told her the situation, and she came and helped her pack her stuff. She was just as nice as she could be to us.
She forgot a few things in my car so I called her mom to let her know she could come and get them. When her mom gets here she looses it on me. Calls me every name in the book. Tells me how bad of a person I am and how my friend never should have came to live with me in first place, like it was my fault this happened. Her entire family has stopped talking to me. I had an appointment to get my hair done with her SIL Thursday and she won't answer my calls or texts about the appointment.
I don't understand where I was wrong here. I haven't told anyone other than my mom why she doens't live with us anymore. As far as I know, no one really knows she moved out yet, it just happened Sunday.
Edited for grammar.
Re: Maybe you can help me understand. It's a book.
It's "we saw" or "I saw", not "we seen". YWIA.
Are you legitimately asking if you were wrong to go out of your way to try to help your friend, establish reasonable rules, and then enforce the consequences of breaking those rules? Really?
Her family is hurt and looking for some way to express their frustration with not having any control over the dangerous behavior of someone they love.
It isn't fair, but it is pretty normal. Give them time.
Thanks.
I don't understand why her entire family is pissed off at me. That's more or less what I need help understanding.
i'm a little confused by the details, and whether you actually told her mom about the renewed drug use (because you say that you told her mom "the situation" but then later say that you've told only your own mother about what happened to cause the move-out).
um. so if you didn't actually tell her mom that her daughter was using drugs again, i would, so she would at least know that you had a real reason and that you weren't just tired of the houseguest.
First off, "we saw", "I saw", "he saw"... your use of "seen" is driving me up the wall.
Anyway, if her family knows the situation entirely including the lapse back in to drug use, then they're probably just taking their frustration out on you. They thought they had a good thing going when you were willing to take your friend on as a rent free houseguest. If they don't know the whole story then you need to tell them. That has nothing to do with making them less upset with you and everything to do with getting your friend the help she needs. How are they going to know that she needs more medical help if they don't know she relapsed?
You were not wrong for kicking her out. You don't have to have a drug user in your home if you don't want one, but you need to tell her family that's why she was asked to leave.
This is absolutely why she went off on you. She's in denial. All you did wrong was to get involved in the first place. 6 weeks of rehab does not a sober person make.
You tried to help a friend, and you learned a lesson about the unhelpable.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
I told her mom, but other than her my mom was the only person that I told.
It's an addict codependency thing. I'll try to explain it, but I don't know if it will make any more sense to you.
See, when people are close with addicts, they can't blame the addict for the behavior. Yes, it's the addict's fault, but they are taking all the addict's emotions in as their own. So they feel what the addict feels, in a way. And the addict surely isn't going to blame herself for the bad behavior - that's what recovery is for.
So, they got to blame someone. Anyone. Not the addict and not themselves. So they blame you. I mean, she fell off the wagon at YOUR HOME! Why didn't you notice? Why didn't you help?
Now, you and I both know that this line of thinking is absurd. You did help and notice and took appropriate action. They are just too caught up to see it.
I hope they come around, but if they don't, I hope you find some peace with the situation somehow.
My little angel RIP August 12, 2010 - September 5, 2010
It's an addict codependency thing. I'll try to explain it, but I don't know if it will make any more sense to you.
See, when people are close with addicts, they can't blame the addict for the behavior. Yes, it's the addict's fault, but they are taking all the addict's emotions in as their own. So they feel what the addict feels, in a way. And the addict surely isn't going to blame herself for the bad behavior - that's what recovery is for.
So, they got to blame someone. Anyone. Not the addict and not themselves. So they blame you. I mean, she fell off the wagon at YOUR HOME! Why didn't you notice? Why didn't you help?
Now, you and I both know that this line of thinking is absurd. You did help and notice and took appropriate action. They are just too caught up to see it.
I hope they come around, but if they don't, I hope you find some peace with the situation somehow.
My little angel RIP August 12, 2010 - September 5, 2010