Do any of your parents or in-laws date?

colleen724

MIL is dating again after her divorce 4 years ago.  DH has met the guy twice briefly.  But how do you handle "checking someone out" when they're going to be around your kids?  I don't want to insult my MIL, but I feel like I don't really care if I embarrass myself by trying to be overprotective versus being naive about the alternative.

I need advice!  DH is no help, he barely wants anything to do with this since he hated his step-dad growing up and just wishes his Mom would never date again.  He won't ask the questions...well he will if I make him, but again I'd like to be polite about it.

TSD

Not being snarky but what kind of questions are there to ask that would yield a truthful answer if the guy is shady? It's not like if you asked if he's ever molested children, she/he is going to say, "Only that one time...".

You can pay for a background check online for a fairly low price of like $60. And do your own internet sleuthing. You can make sure he's not alone with your child if your MIL doesn't watch your kid during the day or whatever. But what would you ask?

junebug1

If it were me and I had not intention of ever leaving my children alone with this person, I don't think I'd do too much snooping.  What is it you want to know about him, like does he smoke cigarettes or drive drunk?  Or was he ever in jail for battering women or children? you'd be surprised what you can find with a good old fashioned google search - tax records and facebook accounts are a good place to start.

Jerseyjessie

My dad passed away 5 1/2 years ago and my Mom started "dating" someone a year later. They got pretty serious and were living together this past year. That being said I and MH were disgusted by this person for valid reasons and did not allow our kids at her house at all. if she wanted to see them she came to us.

They never met him and i will not bring my kids around someone she is "dating". I don't trust any stranger around my kids at.all.

 

colleen724

TSD:

Not being snarky but what kind of questions are there to ask that would yield a truthful answer if the guy is shady? It's not like if you asked if he's ever molested children, she/he is going to say, "Only that one time...".

You can pay for a background check online for a fairly low price of like $60. And do your own internet sleuthing. You can make sure he's not alone with your child if your MIL doesn't watch your kid during the day or whatever. But what would you ask?

That's what I'm asking- how/what can I really ask?  I'm looking for tips on how to go about "getting to know" a complete stranger.  Seriously, how am I going to get any information about this guy without acting like I'm interviewing him?  If your parents/in laws date seriously enough to have this new person around a lot of the time (and your kid spends a lot of time with your parents and inlaws), how do you go about it?

Jessie, how did you form your opinions of your mom's boyfriend?  Was it stuff she would tell you directly, or vibes you got from being around him personally?

colleen724

junebug1:

If it were me and I had not intention of ever leaving my children alone with this person, I don't think I'd do too much snooping.  What is it you want to know about him, like does he smoke cigarettes or drive drunk?  Or was he ever in jail for battering women or children? you'd be surprised what you can find with a good old fashioned google search - tax records and facebook accounts are a good place to start.

Oh and yes, most of the time Ryan goes to visit and sleepover without us.

TSD

If he's sleeping over without you, I'd tell her that you're not comfortable leaving your child with a stranger there. He can stay over but not if any boyfriend you don't know is there. Beyond that, the only way to get to know him is to hang around them. Go out to dinner with them, hang out for the day doing something you'd all do as a family. Get a vibe that way. But I really don't think there is anything specific you can ask that would tell you anything "dangerous" about him. Someone you know could be a molester if that's your concern. I wouldn't want my kid sleeping in a house with a stranger either but what I'm saying is beyond talking like normal people and just getting to know him over time, asking the questions you'd normally ask someone you're trying to get to know, there is no way to know if he's a shady person.

It's more do you trust your MIL's judgement? Is she the kind of person who would understand caution regarding your child? If she's not, then maybe you can't trust her to have common sense and you'll have to make some ground rules that you're comfortable with. If it makes you feel better, go to ussearch.com and pay for a background check to at least find out the basics.

Jerseyjessie

colleen724:

TSD:

Not being snarky but what kind of questions are there to ask that would yield a truthful answer if the guy is shady? It's not like if you asked if he's ever molested children, she/he is going to say, "Only that one time...".

You can pay for a background check online for a fairly low price of like $60. And do your own internet sleuthing. You can make sure he's not alone with your child if your MIL doesn't watch your kid during the day or whatever. But what would you ask?

That's what I'm asking- how/what can I really ask?  I'm looking for tips on how to go about "getting to know" a complete stranger.  Seriously, how am I going to get any information about this guy without acting like I'm interviewing him?  If your parents/in laws date seriously enough to have this new person around a lot of the time (and your kid spends a lot of time with your parents and inlaws), how do you go about it?

Jessie, how did you form your opinions of your mom's boyfriend?  Was it stuff she would tell you directly, or vibes you got from being around him personally?

I'll FB you.

MrsDB

Google and facebook? I wouldn't worry TOO much about it though. Don't leave them alone together until you feel comfortable with him. I'm sure that even if they are both sleeping there one night, your MIL would always be there. But i'd just avoid sleep overs until you know him well enough to not care if they're alone together at all. All you can do is spend some time talking to him and listen to your gut. If your instincts tell you he's creepy, then just stop the sleepovers and babysitting and get together with them as a family

colleen724

TSD:

 It's more do you trust your MIL's judgement? Is she the kind of person who would understand caution regarding your child? If she's not, then maybe you can't trust her to have common sense and you'll have to make some ground rules that you're comfortable with. If it makes you feel better, go to ussearch.com and pay for a background check to at least find out the basics.

Yep!  Two divorces preceeded by marriages where she intentionally turned a blind eye, desperate attempts to date before she was really ready...but this is all her personal life.  When it comes to Ryan she's a great grandma and I love her for that...I just don't understand some of her choices and that makes me question her judgment on this topic.

But I think you're right...we just have to be around more to see for ourselves and try to be natural about it.  Its just awkward.