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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
? for those who divorced with young children...
Would you mind sharing with me what your custody/visitation schedule looks like? I am just starting this whole nightmare process of divorce and i know that this will be our biggest conflict point. I am trying to determine what is "reasonable" for a child that is now under 3. I know that it is highly dependent on the individual and the circumstances but I would still love to know anyone elses experience. Thanks
Re: ? for those who divorced with young children...
Not divorced, but my sister splits visitation with her son's father like this. My nephew will be 3 in June.
Every Wednesday he picks up from daycare and has him until 7pm. He also gets every other weekend, Friday night to Sunday morning. They share holidays for now, he spends Christmas morning with my sister and family and then goes over to his dad's in the afternoon.
my son was around 9months when we split. since then we have had the same schedule. DS goes to his dads thursday nights around 6 until his dad drops him back off fridays at 6. then every other weekend sat morning between 8 and 10 until sunday around 4. i usually pick him up early on sundays or if i have somewhere to go exH is fine with me picking DS up early.
If my ex has somewhere to go like last weekend i will keep DS with no problem.Usually DS is with me for the holidays.we work around our scheduels.
We live half an hour from each other. Her school and his new job are right around the corner from where I live.
Week 1 - I have her Monday through Friday. He picks her up from school Friday, has her all weekend, and drops her off at school Monday morning.
Week 2 - I have her Monday-Wednesday. He picks her up from school Weds night and drops her back at school Thurs. morning. I pick her up from school Thursday night and have her through Sunday morning. I drop her off at his place on Sunday morning, and he brings her to school Monday morning.
Repeat Week 1....
My boss just got divorced and he and his wife have agreed to 50/50 and they are doing 1 week with him, 1 week with the Mom, repeat.
A good friend of mine has his boys every Wednesday after school-Saturday afternoon. Every other week, that extends into Sunday.
My stepdaughter lives on Long Island so this would likely differ if we were closer in proximity - but we split holidays (the arrangement has evolved over time) and we get every other weekend from 8:30am Saturday to 7pm Sunday. We get 2 non-consecutive weeks in the summer (1 in July and 1 in August) and days that adjoin our weekends when it's midwinter recess and spring recess. We also used to get the extra day of a holiday (Memorial Day or 4th of July, etc.) if it adjoined our weekend.
Keep in mind that custody and visitation are 2 different things. She has full custody but we have visitation rights... we do have in the order that any major medical decisions made regarding my stepdaughter need to be discussed with us (well, my husband) before any decisions are made and that if he isn't able to attend parent/teacher conferences that she provides him with a written report within 24 hours of the conference. He is on the list for the school to receive report cards directly (in addition to them being sent to her mom) but she also is required, per the order, to send him a copy within 24 hours of receiving it.
I am not meaning this to sound snarky at ALL so I hope you don't take it that way... but coming from the "other side" of things, where MH is the one that doesn't get enough time - it breaks his heart. You need to do what is best for the CHILD and not just what fits yours (or your exH's) schedule because you feel like "you" won't be getting enough time. I am so in support of BOTH parents (and families) being involved and around as much as possible. MH's cousin is a child of divorce and her parents had the most amicable arrangement and were so agreeable about time spent with each parent and family, and family obligations, etc. - it really made for a good situation that many times turns into fights and resentment and anger. Good luck - I know this is a tough time and I wish the best for ALL of you involved!
Just a few more thoughts...
- You can have joint legal custody, meaning you both have equal say in major decisions regarding your child (this is the most common arrangement), but only one of you can have primary physical custody. This means this is your child's "home base," and the parent with primary physical custody receives child support from the other parent based on an equation that considers, among many other things, the number of nights per week the child sleeps there.
- Don't feel like you need to decide all this stuff NOW. You still have to go through mediation, right? Not sure which county you're in, but I do know Middlesex county court provides free custody mediation if you can't come to an agreement on your own. Everything will be spelled out for you in writing, and you don't have to agree to anything you don't like. And your schedules and personal situations actually ARE a key driving force behind how the custody arrangement is settled. Of course there's the overarching priority of your child's best interest in the foreground, but practical matters.... matter.
- Finally, remember that this is all very new to you both, and I'd suspect neither of you are at your most rational right now. Take as much time as is practical to walk through this process, and keep in mind that even though you may not see eye to eye right now, you may once the dust settles -- and you can agree among yourselves to revisit and revise any agreement you make with each other. If you're able to reach a civil conclusion and maintain communication, just because it's in writing with the court, it doesn't mean it has to be set in stone. You can adjust as you go along. Your child is young; her needs will change, her activities will change, her preferences may change, your living situations will change.... be flexible and don't panic. It all works out in the end. I promise.
Good luck, and PM me if you'd like more tips.