Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Really need some feedback on this IL situation (sorry long!)
Let me preface this by saying that this incident has had me upset since Saturday. I'm struggling getting past it so I'm turning here for some advice:)
My MIL and SIL took DD down the shore Thursday into Friday. Everything seemed fine. On Saturday night, MIL called MH and said they needed to come over now "to talk" and that it could not wait another day. We imagine the worst.
They come over when the kids are asleep and proceed to tell us how they have been crying since yesterday over a comment DD made about her baby brother. Apparently, DD was singing in the car and MIL told her that she can teach her brother to sing one day. MIL then says that DD said "oh no...I just want to cut his cheeks!"
So now MIL is crying in her house and saying "but she's such a sweet kid...why does she want to hurt her brother?" .."we needed to tell you now in case something happens to the baby"..and so on...then SIL chimes in and says that DD must feel this way because MH doesn't spend enough one on one time with her and she's jealous. Then they proceed to offer parenting tips (including my single "no desire to have kids whatsoever" SIL). At this point, I flip my mother effin' sh$t on both of them.
First of all, this is a child who has never shown an ounce of jealousy (thank heavens) toward her brother in the almost 6 months he's been alive. Second, I can't get her away from him because she just wants to constantly hug him, kiss him, and play with him. Third, you have the audacity to bring my husband into it and criticize his parenting?I can honestly say MH is 100% hands on with both kids. He even takes DD out by himself at time so they can have daddy/daughter time. Fourth, you make it seem like someone is dying with your "can't wait another day" comments? Fifth, what an incredible leap to assume that her comment meant she has some sort of malice toward her baby brother which was caused by jealousy and lack of time with MH. I could go on and on....let's just say it didn't go well. MH couldn't even say much...he was so taken aback.
The next day we did talk to Kailyn a little bit about this. She proceeds to tell us she never said anything like that and that she just wants to "pinch" and "squeeze" baby brother's "big puffy cheeks" because they are so cute. In her little 4 year-old mind, she's not always able to come up with the right words for what she means.
I"m just still so upset by it. It would have been one thing if they said it to me in passing and asked for my take. However, this was not AT ALL what happened. The assumptions made and then "the advice" given just still have me livid. How would you all take a situation like this? I'm just still so beside myself....MH is unbelievably upset by it all and doesn't really want to talk about it.
Re: Really need some feedback on this IL situation (sorry long!)
there was very likely a mis-heard comment in there.
when ava was around 2 or so, she told my mother - i'm gonna rip your tongue out!
imagine her reaction. she was upset, couldn't imagine we ever said something like that to her to repeat and was scared about what might be going on in daycare. it was a giant misunderstanding.
i cannot remember the actual phrase, but it was not clear coming from a 2 year old and it most certainly was not a violent act!
your husband is probably like mine - gets upset, clams up, doesn't want to address drama with his family.
are you comfortable telling MIL how hurt both of you were by the accusation?
I think everyone is overreacting. Their initial response was a huge overreaction and now you guys are overreacting in response.
My IL's are totally neurotic. A cough must be whooping cough, every mole or lump must be cancer and I could totally see them making a leap like this. But after so many years, i don't even pay attention.
You could just tell them they sound insane and you guys feel they are totally overreacting. And to never tell you they have to talk right then over something so minor. She's four and can't always find the right words to use. Unless they see her do something really mean or questionable it can wait till they see you.
Or you can just say ok and then ignore them.
Either way they aren't going to change, so you can only change how you react. I mean how do you not just scratch your head at their conclusion and possibly laugh it sounds so ridiculous.
ok..before I even got to the next to last paragraph I said, "maybe she meant she wanted to PINCH his cheeks".
Good Lord, talk about an over reaction...2 adults couldn't conclude that she meant she wanted to pinch his cheeks? Seriously?
I'm with Tara here. I had to read through the post twice to try to understand why everyone is so upset. She probably didn't say "cut" at all... and even if she did, kids say weird stuff. It doesn't mean she is going to hurt anyone!
They said that they didn't ask her to clarify because she seemed "tired".
As for why I was so upset, it's mainly because they were insinuating my daughter has some sort of malicious intent toward my son. Also, we didn't appreciate "parenting" tips at all. I think it was also exacerbated by the fact that we thought something was seriously wrong with the way they said they had to come over immediately.
But I know what you all mean about going on from here. We basically left it with them that it was a ridiculous notion and we wish they approached it with us differently. This is just one of many instanced with them and you are right when you say it will probably never change.
I can't believe they overreacted that way. She's 4. She doesn't always know the right words to express what she's feeling. I find it bizarre that two grown adults couldn't come to that conclusion on their own. And to call you in a panic over it, and then criticize your husband just seems even more strange.
I'd tell them that they need to simmer down, that kids don't always mean what they say or say what they mean and then avoid them for awhile. Good grief.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh in laws. we had a similar reaction when my daughter told my mil that she was going to marry her daddy. my mil FREAKED out taking it as incestous and she should not think like that (meanwhile the week before she wanted to marry max, our dog)
anyway.
kids say stuff ALL the time. your il's are TOTALLY over reacting. she just used the wrong word probally. totally ridiculous over reaction on their part.
i would be JUST as pissed as you at the reaction they had. per sil who has no children. i would use the line that i used on my bil when we got into it over something that happened with his parents. i told him until you have children of your own you DO NOT tell me how to raise my children. and even when you DO have children of your own keep your comments to yourself. i told him that i never want to visit this subject again. and its NONE of his buisness.
as for the il's she's your kid. your over reacating and to keep your comments to yourself.
Mommy to Stephanie Lena - 2.13.07 and Evan Ralph - 9.23.10
Angel Baby (m/c at 9 weeks) - 1.2.09
Christmas Card Picture - 2011
(aka: the only picture I could get of them together that was not blurry and had them both sitting still!)
Click here for My Bio
The Stephanie Song...click here to listen!
My ILs overreact to everything and love to give advice- from telling us breastfeeding wasn't necessary and no one did it in their day to telling me I have to take ethan to specialists only in NYC for his cough. If I got seriousy upset with any of it, I'd be upset 24/7. I know it's hard to think they're kind of accusing your daughter of something really f'ed up but you have to just put it in the crazycakes category.
"Like" me on Facebook