Input re: friend's miscarriage

Jennrs

My very good friend and fellow doula just found out she lost her baby. Missed miscarriage. She was almost 14 weeks along. Heartbreaking.

I really want to do something for her but I don't know what. I obviously told her I was sorry. I know there's not a lot more I can say right now. Is sending flowers too much? I want to make sure I'm be sensitive to her emotions right now.

bbetson

For me, getting a card in the mail was very meaningful. Somebody took the time to find a card, mail it etc. it was just nice to know that someone cared that much. It was also nice when people checked in with me weeks after the fact. So often lives pick up and go on and it was nice to know people were still thinkig about us after the immediate loss. Finally, when my due date rolled around, it was sooo nice when somebody acknowledged it privately. I got a package in the mail and a few people mentioned they were thinking about me. It was a hard time and it was super nice to have the loss acknowledged by other people.

I didn't really want people asking me about it or how I was doing, just because it was hard to talk about. I appreciated texts, Facebook messages, cards etc. something I could deal with privately and still allowed me the comfort and support of friends. 

JNicMTek

I think any way you can acknowledge her loss in a distant way would be appreciated (like sending flowers, a card, an email, etc.). I didn't want to talk to anyone in person, and really didn't want to discuss it with someone who hadn't experienced it. Just knowing people are there, and care, is really comforting.

Cory's Wife

JNicMTek:

I think any way you can acknowledge her loss in a distant way would be appreciated (like sending flowers, a card, an email, etc.). I didn't want to talk to anyone in person, and really didn't want to discuss it with someone who hadn't experienced it. Just knowing people are there, and care, is really comforting.

I agree with this. No matter how close you are she may not want to talk to you since you haven't experienced it. The fact that you have a healthy pregnancy might be painful for her too. I know you'll be sensitive, but reaching out in ways where she doesn't have to actually see you might be the best for a little while. 

mucutiepie124

Cory's Wife:

JNicMTek:

I think any way you can acknowledge her loss in a distant way would be appreciated (like sending flowers, a card, an email, etc.). I didn't want to talk to anyone in person, and really didn't want to discuss it with someone who hadn't experienced it. Just knowing people are there, and care, is really comforting.

I agree with this. No matter how close you are she may not want to talk to you since you haven't experienced it. The fact that you have a healthy pregnancy might be painful for her too. I know you'll be sensitive, but reaching out in ways where she doesn't have to actually see you might be the best for a little while. 

Ditto this.  I appreciated the cards, flowers and kind gestures from people, but I also preferred not to talk about it at first. She may open up to you after some time has passed.  Your gesture will show that you are there for her when/if she wants to talk.

Jennrs

mucutiepie124:

Cory's Wife:

JNicMTek:

I think any way you can acknowledge her loss in a distant way would be appreciated (like sending flowers, a card, an email, etc.). I didn't want to talk to anyone in person, and really didn't want to discuss it with someone who hadn't experienced it. Just knowing people are there, and care, is really comforting.

I agree with this. No matter how close you are she may not want to talk to you since you haven't experienced it. The fact that you have a healthy pregnancy might be painful for her too. I know you'll be sensitive, but reaching out in ways where she doesn't have to actually see you might be the best for a little while. 

Ditto this.  I appreciated the cards, flowers and kind gestures from people, but I also preferred not to talk about it at first. She may open up to you after some time has passed.  Your gesture will show that you are there for her when/if she wants to talk.

Thanks to all of you! I'm not even going to attempt to talk to her in person (over phone) until she contacts me. Her and I were TTC together and she found out she was pregnant 3 weeks after me. I know that can't be easy for her.

I'm going to send her a letter and flowers.

ColleenS629

I agree with PPs.. any kind of acknowledgment is nice. Personally, I would prefer some type of memorial piece over flowers, like a necklace or something from Etsy. Something like this:

http://www.etsy.com/listing/67094162/memorial-loss-necklace-i-carry-your

or

http://www.etsy.com/listing/77416215/personalized-loss-necklace-in-silver 

Loveofjoe11

Jennrs:

mucutiepie124:

Cory's Wife:

JNicMTek:

I think any way you can acknowledge her loss in a distant way would be appreciated (like sending flowers, a card, an email, etc.). I didn't want to talk to anyone in person, and really didn't want to discuss it with someone who hadn't experienced it. Just knowing people are there, and care, is really comforting.

I agree with this. No matter how close you are she may not want to talk to you since you haven't experienced it. The fact that you have a healthy pregnancy might be painful for her too. I know you'll be sensitive, but reaching out in ways where she doesn't have to actually see you might be the best for a little while. 

Ditto this.  I appreciated the cards, flowers and kind gestures from people, but I also preferred not to talk about it at first. She may open up to you after some time has passed.  Your gesture will show that you are there for her when/if she wants to talk.

Thanks to all of you! I'm not even going to attempt to talk to her in person (over phone) until she contacts me. Her and I were TTC together and she found out she was pregnant 3 weeks after me. I know that can't be easy for her.

I'm going to send her a letter and flowers.

I agree with all of the girls.  In terms of being close former due dates.  One of my best friends had her baby a week before I was due.  It was very hard for me, but with time I was able to hang out, etc.  She kept her distance a little until I reached out to her in terms of all of my emotions.  I was completely honest with her how difficult it would be me.  When we went to lunch together for the first time since my m/c, she started talking about her pregnancy, caught herself and then politely asked if I minded.  I appreciated that.

In terms of a missed miscarriage, along with grief, my other biggest emotion of the feeling of betrayal.  We're constantly told about signs of a miscarriage and my body didn't show any.  It made it harder to trust my body for ttc again.