Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is $500 a lot to spend without discussing it with your spouse?
My husband called me from work last night to say he'd purchased a $500 hard drive for our home computer network. I don't totally understand what it's for to be honest but it sounds like a more secure version of an external hard drive. What it is isn't really that important anyway.
He tells me that he plans to sell $250 of his computer stuff and use $250 of the overtime money he's been making. Um, since when does making overtime mean you just get to spend it without discussing it?
We just bought a house in November. I let him get a fancy new tv when we moved in so it's not like he never gets to buy nice things. I thought that would keep him happy for a while.
I'm beyond pissed because I feel like he went behind my back because he didn't want me to say no. I'm just so flabbergasted the he's acting surprised that I'm so mad. He didn't get home from work last night until after I'd gone to bed so I don't feel like we've resolved anything.
Isn't that a lot of money to not discuss before spending? How do you handle it when your spouse wants to buy something that you don't think they should? We have personal money that we get every month but that's been on hiatus since we bought the house. Normally I would have told him to use that.
Re: Is $500 a lot to spend without discussing it with your spouse?
I agree that's a lot of money to spend without discussing it - and it's worse if you know he did it without asking because he knew you would be upset (do you see how that's different from not thinking or knowing if it would bother you?). I think we had a clicky poll a little while ago about a similar topic, and every couple is different. Considering the circumstances and the fact that you put your personal spending on hold, I feel like that's a pretty big deal (versus other couples who regularly drop $500 without talking about it).
And honestly, I get that computer stuff is important, but unless you guys work for the CIA (or non-jokingly, he works from home), I can't imagine what you would need to backup for $500...
Planning Bio
Married Bio
TTC #2 for a million years: SA normal, CD 23 bloodwork shows nothing amiss, ovulation detected. Next step: ? maybe CD3 bloodwork to check eggs? All out of pocket, so limited IF tests/treatments.
DH and I made a decision that any purchase over $200 needs to be jointly informed. If it comes out of fun money it doesn't need to be approved, but we need to be aware on it.
I think you should still bring back the fun money. Even if it's a small amount, it's so much easier to stay on track.
I agree that $500 is a lot of money to spend. Maybe you didn't mean to word it this way, but when you said you "let" your H buy a new fancy tv when you moved into your new house, that threw up a red flag for me... All large purchases (i.e. over $100) are made jointly in our household - meaning, H doesn't "let" me buy things and I don't "let" him buy things. We have a discussion about it until we agree if they money will be spent.
Assuming you didn't mean to word it like that, then yes, I would be very upset if H went out and spent $500 without telling me, and we'd definitely be having a conversation about the item and whether it's necessary or not.
ETA: If you have given up "fun" money because the house is more of a financial burden for you, that hard drive would be going back in a flash IMO
This. I would have a big talk with my H if he did this, and we would have to figure out how to make up the $500 in our overall budget or send the $500 gadget back.
Photo courtesy of jennygg.com
My never updated Planning/Married Bio: http://mgoss228.weebly.com/
Seattle Knotties: Please page me if you send me a PM!
Even though we are comfortable financially and our accounts are seperate, we do discuss large purchases with each other. I wouldn't tell my H flat out that he can't spend $500 on something he wants (he built his computer a couple years ago and spent well over $500 on it), but I think our general rule of thumb is to just check in with each other before spending that much and make sure those funds aren't needed elsewhere. If one of us felt they were, we'd discuss it.
You did mention that a part of the money was from your H working overtime... and speaking as a spouse that puts in a fair amount of o/t and gets compensated for it, I tend to spend a chunk of it on myself fairly often. My H understands that I put in long hours and like to treat myself as a result. But, since we do still have our accounts seperate, money left over after our designated bills and commitments to savings/investments is really used at our individual discretion, but still with open communication.
I'm rambling, and may not be making sense. I guess my point is, yes, I'd be upset if the money was spent and I wasn't told until after, but also understand that if your H is bringing in money over and above his base pay, he probably feels like he can have more of a say in how that extra money is used.
2012 Racing Plans:
Valentine's Day Dash 5k, 02/11/2012, 33:03
Seahawks 12k, 04/01/2012, 1:23:17
Bellevue 10k, 04/29/2012
Beat the Bridge 8k, 05/20/2012
Seattle Rock n Roll Half Marathon, 06/23/2012
...more to come!
This is us to! I haven't been getting my hair dyed to save us money and he thinks we have enough room in the budget to buy a $500 hard drive? Clearly its time for me to buckle down and create legitimate budget spreadsheet that I can show him.
#1-BFP 08-22-09 ~ M/C 08-31-09 at 5 weeks 6 days
#2-BFP 08-6-11 ~ Due 04/18 ~ born via c-section April 22, 2012
My Blog
This issue I have with him spending the overtime money on himself is that there was no communication about it. I helped my husband pay off $18,000 in debt after we got married. So there is a little more to the story about why I'm so mad. Clearly, he had an issue in the past with overspending. This isn't a frequent problem but it brings up red flags for me based on his past money troubles.
I've always been very good with money-frugal, like to save, etc. Because he hasn't always been so good with money I tend to get really anxious when things like this happen. I don't think he intended any malice by making the purchase. I just don't like that he didn't include me in the decision. If the situation were reversed I would never have spent that kind of money without at least a head's up.
He cancelled the order and will be selling the items he planned to sell first. Then, he can make the purchase again when he has the money.
He's so great in so many other ways. This is our hot button issue. It came up in premarital counseling and will probably always been a sticking point.
I'm going to create a budget spreadsheet and put personal money back into the mix. Then, he can learn to save up for a big purchase!
What do you do when one of you doesn't agree the purchase should be made then?
Gotcha. If there was an ongoing spending issue that I was on the hook for, I'd be upset as well.
2012 Racing Plans:
Valentine's Day Dash 5k, 02/11/2012, 33:03
Seahawks 12k, 04/01/2012, 1:23:17
Bellevue 10k, 04/29/2012
Beat the Bridge 8k, 05/20/2012
Seattle Rock n Roll Half Marathon, 06/23/2012
...more to come!
Honestly, we haven't gotten to that point. We've always talked it out. I must say, I'm probably the one that spends more frivolously in our marriage (and I still consider myself extremely conservative financially) but H knows that if we talk about:
- is this a "never" purchase or a "someday" purchase
- what does "someday" look like?
then I am much more easily convinced than a simple yes or no. He talks himself out of buying stuff for himself all the time, so I don't tend to argue at all if he wants to buy himself something