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I don't know how much much more I can take...*VENT*
I want to start by saying that I truly do love my husband, and I know he loves me. When we got married, we planned on it being forever. We are both from divorced families and neither of us wanted to waste our time getting married if it wasn't going to be forever (not that I think anyone plans on it). I don't want to imagine my life without him, but I am struggling to decide if that is what is best for my son and me.
I have had some anger towards my husband for quite some time when it comes to a lot of things. After our son was born, I had a great job opportunity and took it, which left him as the primary caregiver of our son as I work during the day and he works in the evening. Even though this wasn't the ideal situation, it supported our family and we were able to save on daycare.
Almost 3 years later, he has a ton of resentment towards me about this. I was not STOPPING him from getting a day job and not being Mr. Mom. If he would have taken an opportunity, I would have supported him 100% as he did for me. I have resentment towards him for resenting me for this (does that make sense?). He hates his job as a waiter, but isn't doing everything he can to find something different. I have a lot of anger towards him for leaving all the housework for me, despite the fact that he is home all day and I'm at work. I don't expect him to do it all, or even half. I just expect him to pick up after himself when I work so hard to keep the house in some type of order.
I heard once that marriage is not always equal. Sometimes one person has to pull some or all of the weight because the other person simply can?t. But in the end it evens out because we all have times in our lives that we can?t handle it all. I don?t know how much longer I can pull all the weight. I work all day. When I come home, either he is at work or goes to the basement. That leaves me with taking care of our son and cleaning the house, which will just be a disaster again the next day. And somewhere in there I try to fit in some quality time with my son, to try and show him just how much his Mommy loves him. Then on top of that I have to deal with the stress of not being able to pay our basic household bills, let alone pay off his fines (I'll get to that in a minute), and all of my debt that I?ve accumulated the last few years. And the part that pisses me off the most about it is that he doesn?t even REALIZE how much *** I deal with. I don?t HAVE to be here or do all of this. I DO IT BECAUSE I WANT TO!! I want to be married to him, no matter how difficult he makes it on me. He say that he doesn?t expect anything from me, but he does. He chews me out about every bill that doesn?t get paid, but when I tell him my check has to go to one thing or another, he tells me ?it?s just going to have to wait.?
Over the last year and a half, we have discovered that when he was collecting unemployment after the business he worked for closed, he was overpaid over $10,000. We were notified and agreed to pay the money back, but we didn't just have $10,000 laying around. The payment agreement we could afford wasn't good enough for them, so they pressed charges for fraud against him. He collected the money, so that was enough evidence to prove that he committed "fraud", and we couldn't prove that he didn't commit fraud, so he had to come to a plea agreement to repay the money and take 5 years probation. He could have faced a year or more in jail. The whole thing is pretty f***ed up, and never should have happened in the first place, but it did so we just have to deal with it. Things probably would have been different if we could have gotten our own attorney, but we had to take a court appointed one because, like I said, we didn't just have $10,000 lying around or we wouldn't have been in this situation in the first place.
I don't blame him for the legal problems, but I feel like I have NO control over my life. I am working my hardest to give our family a good life, but it's all for nothing because every step I take forward is like 10 steps back. I wish I were exaggerating, but I have doubled my income in the last 2 1/2 years and we are in 10x the debt we were then. Yeah, he's the one with the problems but I feel like I'm the one left to pick up the pieces. I KNOW he is depressed and I am on antidepressants myself. He refuses to talk to a doctor or see a therapist, together or separately.
I am really angry because I don't HAVE to do this. My life would be A LOT easier without my husband. That really kills me to say that, but it is 100% true. I don't want to be one of those women that looks back and says "Why didn't I get out sooner?" and it scares me that that thought even crosses my mind. Is it a sign?
Besides the fact that I really love him, the only reason I haven't left is our son. He is a great father and him and our son have such an amazing relationship. It absolutely KILLS me to think about tearing them apart (that made me cry just typing it). He has agreed to move to my hometown so we can have the support of my family, but he has to get permission from his f***ing probation officer. The job he would have there would increase his income, so she really doesn't have any reason to say no, but she has more control over his life right now than God, so who knows if that's even a possibility.
I'm kind of rambling at this point, and I'm not any closer to figuring out what I should do, and I'm not sure anyone will really have any good advice for me (if you can figure out where to begin). I guess just thanks for listening!!
Re: I don't know how much much more I can take...*VENT*
I have a lot of anger towards him for leaving all the housework for me, despite the fact that he is home all day and I'm at work. I don't expect him to do it all, or even half. I just expect him to pick up after himself when I work so hard to keep the house in some type of order.
I can relate to this. I am now getting divorced but this is similar to my situation. The only thing is that we did not have a kid. But because he was taking care of your son all day I don't know...it's more complicated. Maybe women with kids will have more insight into how much cleaning is reasonable to expect when also watching a toddler.
I am really angry because I don't HAVE to do this. My life would be A LOT easier without my husband. That really kills me to say that, but it is 100% true. I don't want to be one of those women that looks back and says "Why didn't I get out sooner?" and it scares me that that thought even crosses my mind. Is it a sign?
Okay, I can REALLY relate to this. I now AM one of those women who regrets not getting out sooner. But at the same time, I certainly will never regret not trying enough or second guess myself and wonder if it could have gotten better if I had just stayed a bit longer. I know we exhausted all avenues. So...if you are wondering this, it is not a great sign.
Your H should not resent you for taking that job, but it does seem difficult to be with a toddler all day and then doing something as draining as waiting tables at night. I think you should try marriage counseling because it does seem to me that when I reread your post, the main issues are resentment toward each other for the rough financial situation and uneven house duties. These could be resolved with some negotiation and maybe all it would take is a third party helping you two communicate about this stuff.
Good luck to you!
At a minimum, you all need counseling. But w/ your update.... I don't know. There seems to be just so much going on. No, no one goes into marriage planning on divorcing. No one WANTS to do this.
But - it's also silly to stay in a marriage just because "I said I never wanted to divorce...".
And while he may be a great dad, do you REALLY think your LO won't grow up seeing the issues between the two of you? Do you want what your marriage is NOW to be what your LO grows up thinking is normal?
Kids soak a LOT in. Don't under esimate what your kid sees/hears/KNOWS. DS is only 3 and I've joked about how I ordered a "dumb kid" because he picks up on stuff that really make me do a double take. Totally unrelated example, but I've never taught him that daddy and I have "real" names - that our names aren't "mommy" and "daddy". But DH and I call each other by our first names on occasion around DS. Just the other day he told my parents not only what OUR first names are, but what my parents first names are.
He just picked this up from observations. So.... don't kid yourself in thinking taht your LO won't pick up on how unhappy both you and your DH are.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I understand not wanting to put all of it out there! The anger stuff makes it harder because over time I feel like there is so much pain and hurt that builds up from that. My H yelled at me a lot too (although there were certainly times I gave it right back to him).
It sounds to me like you are either done now, or you should ask him to try marriage counseling as a last attempt to salvage things.
Your son should not make you hesitate to get out of a situation that sounds like it is filled with resentment. I am no expert on this but it almost seems easier to do so now when he is still a toddler than to wait until he is a few years older, when he will have observed more years of fighting and resentment and is more aware of the transition to divorce.
So, he is staying with you so that YOU can clean up the house and his mess?
Who has it better than he does?
well, considering he treated you like crap and kept telling you he didnt want to be married anymore...UNTIL he needed you to pay hs 10000 back. my momney would be on he is using you,
he has a mommy to clean up for him and a sugar mama to pay off his bills
I completely agree with this. My XBF tried to do this to me, other then I left him and a few days after I left he realized all the debt that he did have and said that he wanted me to go back to him! I just kept on running and have never looked back!
No, you have it backward your resentment is what is actually giving you a clearer picture of things and him. You were rose coloring it before by thinking being in love with him gave him a pass for his abusive and selfish behavior.
Far better for your child to grow up in a home where he doesn't learn this is how you treat people. I don't understand why you think you have to take more of this as if that was the only choice in your life.
I like this advice. Separate your life together from his problems, let him clean-up his own mess. And then you have control over your own money, and can pay your bills.