How do I get through this, or should I just throw in the towel? (LONG post, sorry)

iluvmytxrgr

Sweetheart, my exhusband told me the exact same things when I confronted him about his douchetastic behavior.  I fell for it too.  For 8 more years, I was the only one who changed anything.  I changed my ways to conform to what he wanted because he wasn't changing his.  I became a person who I was ashamed of.  I came to my senses after 10 years with him and 2 kids.  I dragged them through a hell they didn't deserve because I didn't want to give up.  I was an IDIOT. 

Run!  Get out now before you loose yourself. 

ashlynnmonroe

Wow, sorry to see this is happening to you.  Give the counseling a shot if you love him, but don't get married until he's not "confused" anymore.  This doesn't sound confused this sounds conflicted.  Some men could have famous super model wives (uhmmm can we say Tiger Woods) and they'd still cheat.  Ask him what specifically rocks his world with the porn.  He could have an intense desire for a 3-way or find girls who eat Bananas naked incredably sexy.  If it's something you can live with "bananas" this might fix him.  If it's something you can't accept "3-way" you may need to walk away and find a man who doesn't need the additonal stimulation.  Don't change yourself for him because the relationship will fail, but there may be a underlying issue that you can work on together and come out stronger for resolving.  Do look at the porn, see what he's looking at.  If it's something completely repulsive run for your life, but if it's just "regular" (if you can call porn that) stuff you may have hope.  Whatever you do make sure you're safe.  His need for "doing everything together" may not actually be "control" if he doesn't allow you to see friends and family run for you life from this guy, but if you need some space find activites you want to do and know won't interest him tell him when and what and where you'll be doing them and go enjoy yourself.  If he can't handle it leave.  (I know easier said than done) I've been married since I was 20 years old--14 years ago and I saw a lot of pain from my dad being abusive to my mom growing up.  I'm giving the same advice I'd give my own daughter.  Don't throw it away until you're sure it won't work, but don't stay if there's any chance you'll be hurt.

minicheezburg

toeveryhour:

When I finally confronted him (Friday night, 3/9), I asked him straight up and gave him the chance to be honest with me. When he lied to my face, I felt another hard blow to the stomach. I can't fathom that. He knew the answer. When he lied, I grabbed the piece of paper I wrote his past 7 days of porn history on and shoved it into his chest. He then came forward, but only because he was caught. He also admitted that since we have been arguing lately, he was confused. That's why he looked up the article on "5 Signs He Doesn't Love You."

 

It sucks because while I was spending my free time looking at stupid, fake flowers for a money box, songs for the last dance at our wedding, and ordering stupid, yellow unity sand, he spent his free time hiding out, watching porn, and being confused about something I was so sure of.

 

In addition, he has emotional controlling issues. Because of his insecurities, he believes that we have to do EVERYTHING together because we are a couple. And that's not true. Being in a relationship doesn't mean that you have to give up your independence. And he demanded that (and I will quote him) "The only male figure you should have contact with is your father." He claimed his emotions got the best of him during a fight, and that is why he said that. But I don't believe him. He is suspicious EVERY TIME I have some form of contact with the opposite sex; whether it be a friend or co-worker. His controlling behaviors stem from past relationships because his ex-girlfriends supposedly cheated on him. All I can figure is that he is trying to control me so that history won't repeat itself. But in all honesty, you can't judge another person because of someone else's failures. It's not fair to them; it's not fair to ME. I have confronted him about this and he does admit to having a controlling problem.

In summary, I feel cheated on, lied to, used, disrespected, betrayed, and deprived of my joy to marry the man I thought I knew; the man I THOUGHT loved and respected me. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how I can get past these feelings and move on with him, instead of moving on alone.

 

My parents don't want me to have anything to do with him and so does my best friend. These are the only two people I have told everything to. I don't talk to anyone else I know, personally, about my problems.

 

He has agreed to do counseling. Right now we can't do couples counseling because of our work hours so, for the moment, he is going to seek counseling alone. But in all honesty, I am concerned that not all issues will be confronted, and that's the reason I want to go with him. He has also moved out of my house at my request. I just can't live under the same roof as someone who disrespected me like that.

 

The bottom line is that if he doesn't change, there's no future for us. But if he does somehow miraculously change, then I may be willing to give him a chance but it will be VERY difficult. I just feel so torn with my parents wants. I know parents are mostly right every time. I just don't know what to do.

All the bolded parts are important and you should read and reread. This guy sounds like a bad idea. A psychiatrist will tell you that someone who is controlling and suspicious of you for no good reason is doing the exact things he is accusing you of. I really hope you decide to call of the wedding. Judging by your post you know what the problems are and you know they are problems.

KShelton84

Maybe if you try initiating sex more often he wouldn't look for it online?  There is nothing wrong with him for exploring his sexuality and maybe you could do the same.  If you are uncomfortable with looking at porn you may want to find a man who isn't interested in it as well. 

If you are having this many problems before you are even married I wouldn't make the commitment.

JHart264

This doesn't seem like pre-wedding jitters... I hope you at least post-poned the wedding if you didn't call it off entirely.  A marriage without trust is nearly impossible.  All of the issues you talk about are a big deal, and will take a lot of time to resolve, if you both even want to resolve them.  GL!

Bathlove

I think you should definitely get out of this relationship.  It may be difficult to end this because you guys are engaged, but it's better to end it now than to suffer through an absolutely horrible marriage.  You deserve better!!!

Liz4444

DaringMiss:

toeveryhour:

I will admit, I have no sex drive. 

Of course you have no sex drive.  Why would you want to have sex with a man you don't like or respect? 

Even more importantly, why would you want to marry a man you don't like or respect?

adussell7

Worry about the controlling, and put the porn on the back burner. I'm just gonna be honest, guys watch porn. To them it's natural and something theyre used to  (think back to those dorky guys from high school, they definitely couldn't get any so they used porn. Now theyre grown up and filled out, but the habit is still there.) I'm not saying the lying to you is in any way acceptable, but from personal experience you can get past it and have an extremely happy marriage. 

 

The controlling is a completely different story. You shouldn't be having these sorts of very serious compatibility problems this early. Go to counseling, but think seriously about your decision. Marriage can be the greatest thing on earth, life with your best friend. Or it can be like a life sentence in federal prison with a roommate named Bubba who likes it rough. 

JChickie

#1 - Guys are visual, guys watch porn 99% of the male population has watched or will continue to use some sort of pornography during their lifetime, the other 1% are lying. This is not the problem.

 

#2 - People CAN change - people who are willing to go to hell and back to change. Do you want to go to hell and back with this person to find out he isn't one of those that CAN change? 

Marrying a person HOPING they will change will only change you into a broken, depressed woman who will waste 5 - 10 - 20 years wondering what is wrong with her when it is really him. And heaven forbid you will have children during that time and become even further entrenched.

YOU deserve better - rip off the bandaid - trust your parents and friends and run!

 Even us complete strangers can see the trainwreck coming.

 

JacklovesSarah

Boys don't change. Either accept them for who they are, or get out.