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MIL is a drain on my financial sanity
Just to give all of you a little background, my DH took out a mortgage, in his name, on MIL's home back when we were first dating (6 years ago). The money was intended to be used to fix up the home and pay down debts for both DH and MIL. I thought this was a terrible idea at the time, but I stayed silent as we were only dating about 3 months at time. (Hindsight is a wonder, isn't it?) Fast-forward to 2009, and the financial meltdown. DH re-financed the mortgage to improve the interest rate and get more money for MIL because blew the first $100K+ on who-knows-what.
MIL's house is still a mess. She was able to update 2 bathrooms, buy a $20K car for SIL rather than give her a down payment and have her make the loan payments, and spend the money on frivolous nonsense and yard sale trash. We're not talking small pennies here either. She's wasted over $100K in less than 6 years and she still wants more cash to re-do the kitchen that was originally the largest priority.
Now, this money also helped pay down my husband's debt. He's been giving her money every month towards the mortgage to "pay her back" for letting him use her home as a means to pay down these debts. In our last calculation, he's paid her approx. $36K. This is about what his debt was initially. I say he's done, he says no as he feels financially responsible for this mortgage as it's in his name. $500 walks out of our bank account every month and into MIL's hands. She often makes the mortgage payment late, hurting his credit. The $500 could easily go to paying our own mortgage or bills or be put into our savings, but instead it goes into MIL's hands.
I'm also sure that it's quite obvious that MIL and I do not have a relationship. I see her as little as possible. She guilts my DH into doing just about everything for her. He's gotten much better in the past 6 years about telling her no, but he cannot seem to tell her he's done paying off what he "owes" towards this loan nor can he bring himself to tell her that she may have to sell the house. He and I have had this conversation <b>many</b> times and it always ends in a bitter fight and tension in our marriage.
This is not the first (or the last) time MIL has caused problems for us. Despite truly trying to get along with her, she insulted me and claimed I stole her son from her. We didn't speak for almost a year after that.
So, my question to all of you is: Where do we go from here?
Thank you for taking the time to read my enormously complicated post and for any advise you may be able to offer.
Me: 29 DH: 36
November 2008 Dx FvL by Hematologist
February 2013 Dx PCOS, MTHFR, and PAI-1 by ObGYN
May 2013 TTC begins!
Re: MIL is a drain on my financial sanity
Stop letting her make the payment. Make the payment directly to the bank.
You can't just walk away -- his name is on the mortgage and it is his @ss on the line. You need to figure out exactly how much is left on the loan and what can be done to 1.) lower the payment again and 2.) pay it off as fast as possible. Yes, your MIL has blown the money on stupid stuff, but that is beyond your control at this point. Re-fi, pay it off and walk away.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
Me: 29 DH: 36
November 2008 Dx FvL by Hematologist
February 2013 Dx PCOS, MTHFR, and PAI-1 by ObGYN
May 2013 TTC begins!
The mortgage is in my husband's name. If the full amount is not paid to the bank, this is a reflection on my husband's credit and could send the home into foreclosure.
Me: 29 DH: 36
November 2008 Dx FvL by Hematologist
February 2013 Dx PCOS, MTHFR, and PAI-1 by ObGYN
May 2013 TTC begins!
So she pays her portion, you pay your portion. I don't understand why you are still giving HER the money when she's not paying it on time most months anyways. It may damage your DH's credit, but at least you know it's going to the mortgage and not anything else.
I think you will need to forgive your husband's stupidity. Otherwise it is going to destroy your marriage.
You guys have to assume that his mother is always going to be stupid with money, you should pay the ENTIRE mortgage payment every month and view anything that she contributes to the pot to be bonus. Take the entire debt on, pay it off and walk away.
This would be the road I would take if we didn't have a $2800 mortgage payment ourselves every month. We are just able to afford giving the $500 to MIL's mortgage right now while being able to pay our own bills. The other $1500 has to come from MIL and SIL's.
Me: 29 DH: 36
November 2008 Dx FvL by Hematologist
February 2013 Dx PCOS, MTHFR, and PAI-1 by ObGYN
May 2013 TTC begins!
I for one would never have gotten involved with anybody who was already in that deep as far as his mother's finances were concerned.
And WHO blew the first 100K --- her or him???
Something is weird here indeed....VERY weird. This is pretty much a nightmare sum of money and if I were you I would demand to know where that money went. Because now this is a matter that involved you and your life is now affected by this wad of money going who knows where.
This entire situation is a mess. You married a wussy little mama's boy. No way shuld he ever have given her money for this type of endeavor or any other endeavor that involved money.
He needs to cut her off and let her figure this out for himself -- and you need to possibly show him the door if he won't take your side and be a team with you. He won't stand up for you and be a team with you and that's bad news.
I strongly suspect she's got a spending addiction or some other addiction --- nobody with a lick of sense spends a gigantic sum of money like that in a very brief period of time.
You don't even know the status of this:
We only make a portion of the payment. His two sisters and MIL contribute the rest (supposedly). Currently MIL is unemployed and I'm pretty sure one of my SIL's contributes nothing to the payment.
ANd is this possibly a cultural situation? In many cultures a parent or parents fully expect their child -- usually the eldest -- to pay for everything that is needed; they also expect the child to financially support them.
And as for your MIL: she needs to get a jobby job as soon as possible.
I strongly advise you to run a credit check on yourself and your H -- and if you have her SSN, run one on your MIL.
This is quite the financial clusterfook --- your credit can go right down the tubes because of this mess.
ANd I see also you were thinking of TTC. Scratch that idea and fast.
It's definitely not a cultural thing: He's Irish Catholic. She's just a manipulative b*tch. My credit is fine as is DH's . . . for now. He's put his foot down with her much more often recently. He's just not with me on making her sell the house because both SIL's still live with her and he's worried about them being able to support themselves.
And she blew the money. She didn't supervise the contractors who worked on the house initially. She bought her daughter an expensive car rather than making her take out a loan or have her make payments directly to DH for the car. She used the loan money to pay the loan. She's the full idiot in this mess.
I love DH very much and I've tried for the past 6 years to be supportive of this. His family situation is awkward as MIL relied on him heavily after FIL left the family for another woman (that's a whole other story --> I adore FIL and know *exactly* why he couldn't stomach to live with MIL any longer). DH had been made to feel that he *has* to support her since he was 8 years old. Like I said, he's been better about being independent of her since we got married. It's just this big mess he got himself into (which he regrets and feels awful about). I don't know if I should just lay it down with MIL and tell her she needs to sell the house because I've had it at this point.
Me: 29 DH: 36
November 2008 Dx FvL by Hematologist
February 2013 Dx PCOS, MTHFR, and PAI-1 by ObGYN
May 2013 TTC begins!
What started as a MIL/DH problem has now turned in to a DH problem. He is going to have to ruin his credit further by letting the house go in to foreclosure. Is this going to go on the rest of your married life? Do you see a day when he says to his Mom the loan was paid off and we are now even? If not then I don't see your marriage can survive him continuing to pay. Perhaps a 2nd job for him where these funds come directly from and nothing out of your joint account.
If you solve ONE thing today it is what PPs have suggested: Pay the mortgage directly. Stop putting money in her hands. The whole family has no financial sense. He needs to give his mom a deadline for the payments to end. Then keep his word on the deadline.
What is here to love?
Nothing at all.
Here's another reason why there is nothing here to love:
He's just not with me on making her sell the house because both SIL's still live with her and he's worried about them being able to support themselves.
Excuse me?
Don't their asses have a job? And if not, they'd better get jobs.
And besides: if they can support themselves or not is their problem, not yours and his.
How many more of these leeches are on his payroll? Haven't you had enough of this bullshit YET???
I knew of somebody who was involved in a similar mess. It did NOT come to a good end; they are divorced.
YOu also do not have a healthy marriage dynamic. He isn't a partner with you and he cannot stand up to his mother. For that alone you need to say goodbye to him. You don't factor in here anywhere: it's his mother this and his mother that.
Let me ask you this one: when you started to date this guy, did you think that this money mess would eventually go away? When you were making plans to get married, did you discuss this money mess and did you and he come to a situation that was satisfactory to you BOTH?
What did you discuss anyway? Looks like nothing much.
This would have been the last straw for me...and I see he didn't even stand up for you, not amazing...
Despite truly trying to get along with her, she insulted me and claimed I stole her son from her. We didn't speak for almost a year after that.
He should have cut her the hell off for good after that and ceased communication with her permanently. Like I said, where do you figure into this entire picture? nowhere! I will bet that after this scene it was business as usual for him with his mother and it didn't even seem to occur to him that you were insulted and hurt in the bargain!
Give serious thought to DTMFA. This hasn't got a good end for you. Save your sanity and your credit and get out before this mess intensifies further; he's a coward that can't even stick up for you.
When you marry, you and your spouse are THE FAMILY.
Not his mom or his leech sisters: you and he are the family.
And you don't get it either, apparently.
For love of all holy, do yoursefl a favor: protect your assets, safeguard your money from him, see an attorney and when your financial ducks are in a row, bid this coward adieu.
This situation is not going to end positively for you. If you stay with him, your sanity will be sucked dry and so will whatever little bit of the self esteem you have left. And don't ask what will happen to your finances. That'll go right down the drain along with your self esteem.
This guy was never grown up enough to be married. He can't stand up for you and he can't get the concept that you and he are a family now.
And your MIL is only a "manipulative b!tch" because your H fully permits himself to be under his mother's thumb and ordered around.
DTMFA. Everybody else here will say the same. YOu already threw away 6 good years of your life on him. Don't bother to waste any more of your time with him.
i understand why you didn't feel like it was your place to say anything when this decision was made, but i don't understand why you didn't dump him and cut your losses as soon as he took out the mortgage. why would you continue to date and then marry someone who is so unable to set boundaries with his family? that's way too much financial and familial baggage to take on.
truly, i'm not sure where i'd go from here if i were you. i think selling her house is a good option.
this isn't about your MIL as much as you want it to be. the root issue is with your H. his level of participation in this mess is what is ultimately leaving you unsettled. if he wasn't contributing money to this, and if his name wasn't on the mortgage, this wouldn't even be a true issue that affects you and your future (financially and in terms of your relationship with your H).
if you are going to lay it down for anyone, it has to be your H. if he regrets it and feels awful about it (as you claim), then he needs to make some changes with his approach. simple as that.
He should never have been involved in his mother's finances at all. Something was erratically wrong with that picture right there.
This was not a case of the dad abandoning the family and his mother having some very serious financial situation, like a catastrophic disease. That's another story.
What is happening here is that she is using her son as a cash cow and he sees nothing wrong with this at all whatsoever.
And she''s got 2 full grown daughters living with her. Why the heck is he involved in their finances, also? As I asked: don't they have jobs? if not, let them go out and get jobs.
Wonder what would happen if he lost his job? Ha -- where would she and her 2 kiddoes be then?:(
This is a very very bad situation and wow, what a mess:
MIL's house is still a mess. She was able to update 2 bathrooms, buy a $20K car for SIL rather than give her a down payment and have her make the loan payments, and spend the money on frivolous nonsense and yard sale trash. We're not talking small pennies here either. She's wasted over $100K in less than 6 years and she still wants more cash to re-do the kitchen that was originally the largest priority.
Isn't live wonderful. 20K for a car.
You should have been positively livid. Why weren't you?
I will still bet you something else is going on here that that cash vanished under very auspicious circumstances.
My advice is still the same: get out now before this situation worsens; enough is enough.
That solution won't fix what's wrong with her H and won't make him a man who can be a team with his wife.
And that solution won't magically make him get it that he and his wife are a family.
That solution also won't fix what is wrong with their marriage and magically make what they've got together a healthy marriage dynamic.
He had problems long before they met. And that's something the OP cannot fix.
Your husband is a f-ing pushover who won't stand up to his family. You do realize this isn't going to change especially since he is continuing to let them leech off of him? Honestly? I'd give him an ultimatum now. Either he sells the house and stops giving them money or you leave him. (But I'm sure you have some reason as to why you won't do that)
BFP #3 2.15.11 EDD 10.27.11. DD born 10.29.11
Betas @9dpo = 23 Betas @12dpo= 128.5 Betas @17dpo= 1075 Betas @21dpo =5800s
@6w hb 114 bpm! @8w4d hb 178 bpm! @12w hb 169 bpm! @18w hb 150 bpm!
Sure there is.
She loooooooves him.
There is nothing here to love.
Her H has zero character, his wife comes in last, he won't defend his wife, he lets his mother walk all over her, he pretty much tells her "I don't care if my mother treats you like dirt and it is okay for her to treat you any way she wishes; I give permission for her to do it" -- that's what his tacitness is saying when his mother unloads on the OP -- he has his 2 leech sisters on his payroll, he didn't bat an eye when his mother wanted money, period, and thought was a great idea to give her a ginormous sum of money in the bargain, didn't even care when 20K of that money went toward a car for one of his leech sisters, business as usual right after the feud when his mother said to his wife, "you stole my son from me", and there is not one whit or iota of a healthy marriage dynamic here.
And oh yeah, his mother comes before his wife.
Nothing here to love at all.
Or did I miss something in any and all of the OP's post to prove otherwise?
For love of Mike: Get out now and save your sanity and do it now before a child comes into the picture. Think this creep is husband material? He is not and he sure as all fudge is not father material, either.
Wow, you're DH is so in over his head it's not even funny. You and up being the lucky person who goes along for the ride.
Here's what I would do:
MarynJoe: Ya can't fix what's broken...and you cannot fix stupid.
And if that house is in foreclosure and her H hasn't said so, wow, that's a lie by omission. Cute.
Point taken.:)
So he took out more debt (mortgage in his name as well as MIL) to pay off previous debt (some 36K in misc. debt)? Yes, that is totally a smart decision. He can't just stop making the payments. His name is on it, so he is on the hook for the whole shebang.
This is a huge mess, and I don't see it getting any better. Your H does not want to stop helping his family, no matter how much you think they are using him. (which believe me, I can see from your post) Of course people can change, but your H doesn't seem to want to. I think you need to have a good hard look at your relationship.
First, thank you all for your honest advice. Secondly, key me make a few things very clear.
1. The house is not in foreclosure. All paperwork for MIL's house and phone calls about the mortgage come directly to DH. I am privy to all paperwork and DH does not hide it from me. He is a terrible liar and sucks at hiding anything from me as he wears his emotions directly on his face.
2. Both SILs are nurses. Only one of them is a financial drain like MIL. The youngest SIL is in a similar situation with my MIL with lending her money. She pays MIL rent which goes towards the mortgage as well as chipping in for oil deliveries, groceries, etc. This is not the SIL who got the car for nothing.
3. DH did stand up for me when MIL insulted me. We were living with her at the time and DH and I immediately moved out and with my parents. We lived there for two years to save money for our own home. In the two years I lived with my parents, DH paid down more of his debt and was in financially counseling as well as meeting my my therapist to talk abound MIL and standing up to her.
4. I spoke with DH last night again about my concerns. He has agreed that he will collect money from her and make the mortgage payment himself so they are on time. He also agreed to talk to the responsible SIL first about how they should move forward with the house and their mother. He also began to look at condos/co-ops for MIL to possibly move into upon sale of her home.
5. I was livid to begin with. I am still livid that DH allowed himself to get into this mess. However, I put up with it because he is a very good man who, despite his faults, takes care of me, has a big heart, and loves me for who I am. He is a push-over with his mother. I knew that, but it has gotten light years better than when we first met. We cannot help who we love. DH is listening. He's just nervous. Understand that he has to tell his mother and two sisters that they have to sell their family home. It's not easy for a son to tell his own mother, you need to sell your house. Especially with how stubborn and idiotic MIL is.
6. DH will be getting an ultimatum if this situation is not acted upon soon. I don't want a divorce, but I think hearing the words in a serious context may be the only thing to wake him up. I'm tired of his excuse of, "you can't make me choose against my family." I'm part Italian. I know the family first argument too well. It doesn't mean I give into their every desire. However, I want divorce to be my last option as DH is trying. Don't make him out to be a slime ball when you've never met him and only have this one story from me to go upon.
Me: 29 DH: 36
November 2008 Dx FvL by Hematologist
February 2013 Dx PCOS, MTHFR, and PAI-1 by ObGYN
May 2013 TTC begins!