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I told him yesterday
I've posted a couple times with more in depth explanations of my situation. (yes, I've been seeing a personal therapist for quite and while, and we did try couple's therapy). Due to circumstance, it took a while for me to be able to tell him I wanted to leave. He was gone on a several week work trip, so after giving him several days to rest from that, I had the talk with him yesterday.
He's devastated. I told him I was moving out at the end of the week, that I have a place lined up. I'm trying to take the blame for this, because its better for him to be angry with me, then angry with himself and do something horrible to himself. And I'm trying to answer his questions and give as much explanation as I can so that he doesn't feel like I just walked out without a word. I know nothing I say can make him feel any better though. And I feel so sorry for hurting him like this. I wish I could give him what he needs, but it's not right for me. I'm trying to remind myself that I need to do this for my own health and well being. But I care about him and I'm so worried that he'll hurt himself. I know I have to be strong to help him through this, but I'm looking forward to being able to finally let it all out when I'm on my own and really be able to grieve this loss.
I know I'll be fine, and that this is what's best for me. I also know that he is responsible for his own actions in life, and I can't fix everything for him. But its so hard to do this to someone I care about. And I feel so much guilt for hurting him.
Does anyone have any words of encouragement? Similar situations? Advice on how to deal with this?
Re: I told him yesterday
I had the opposite problem than of you. My stbxh decided to leave the marriage and I did not see it coming. I couldn't believe it and was asking him questions over and over for about 4 months before it sunk in that it was going to be my reality. To be fair, he has never disclosed he was not happy and we rarely ever fought. He also did things for me every day so I thought he loved me through his actions.
Break-up in marriage is really hard to do because the expectation from the beginning of the marriage was that it was going to be forever so when one or both decide to end it, there is a death?like grieving process involved no matter if you are the one to end it or not. Everyone has their own way of reacting.
All kinds of feelings are perfectly normal, including guilt. As much as it hurts, there was some kind of beauty in it because it pushed me to desire to learn more about me and change for the better even though I will never know exactly why my stbxh left me.
What helped me cope was to see my stbxh as a human being doing the best he can with what he knows. You will hurt for awhile but your heart will heal. If I learn anything in life, it is that nothing lasts forever, including feelings.