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Thoughts?
My DH and I are at odds over blow jobs.
I don't like them. I've done them a few times to appease him, but I really do not like them. I'm not a prude, but I just can not get past this one. It's not comfortable, it's not enjoyable, and it just is not something I am comfortable with. I've been honest with him about it, and he still continues to pressure me. I've told him when he tries to pressure me or lay a guilt trip on me that it makes me think he doesn't respect me or my feelings about it. He just sees it as a blow job, something insignificant that I should do to please him. I see it as more- I've told him I'm not cool with it and he still continues to dismiss my feelings for his own gain.
We've been together 8 years. This is not a new issue. He's expressed that he isn't happy with our relationship because I won't give him head and wants to go to see a therapist together. He doesn't see it as not respecting me. He sees it as a hangup I need to get over.
I'm wondering if we're just not compatible and if it's time for me to cut my losses and take my kid and leave. I can not deal with a lifetime of him pressuring me and guilting me over something I am not comfortable with. I know it's "just a blowjob" but if I give in, then what? That doesn't seem healthy or right.
Re: Thoughts?
YOu don't like it, you don't do it.
He is to understand that and that's the end of the discussion.
You are right: it is not healthy for him to pressure you.
And if it so "insignificant" why is he harping on it??
Were you and he sexually active with each other before you were married? Was the blow job issue present then or did this begin fairly recently?
Just wondering: is he doing his share orally? I somehow get the idea that he is not and this is strictly one way traffic between you and him. Ugh, if that is what is happening: HE is the one with the hangup, not you.
The therapy for couples? Go -- and a good couples therapist will get the point accross that you do not pressure somebody you love into doing something she does not like or is not comfortable with.
And he's sure got the "respect" part wrong: if he respected you he would not pressure you.
Hoping you get this straightened out. GL.
All of this.
Tarpon is wise.
Also, I am giving your husband the biggest side-eye on earth that he is choosing to call this a "respect" issue. WTF? As Tarpon said, he is openly disrespecting you by guilting & pressuring you to perform a sex act you are not comfortable with.
To me that sounds like sexual abuse, you know? Today its "just a blowjob", tomorrow it will be "just a threesome" & next Tuesday it will be "just sex on demand". It's not ok to force or pressure someone into anything they are not comfortable with just because it's no big deal to the abuser.
If it is truly NBD then he should be able to go without as opposed to mistreating his partner. He sounds like a wanker. If it were me the sheer amount of prolonged disrespect would cause me to file for divorce.
Good luck to you. You might also get some counseling to explore why you have allowed someone to treat you this way. It's still abuse even if there are no bruises.
So the only reason he's unhappy is because you wont suck his d?ck?
Drop him immediately, he is not mature enough to handle a relationship. God forbid an actual problem arise.
Why on earth is that so important to him? I mean, I understand sex is important but I assume that you're doing other sexual things---just not blow jobs. If you choose to go to therapy, it should focus on why your husband is such an ?sshole and why he's putting his perceived needs above your comfort.
Some people just don't like bjs. Im one of them. DH would probably prefer I like to do that, but he would never pressure me or make me feel bad. Ever.
Im sorry the guy you married is a d-bag.
Agree with PPs. I have always hated the idea of blow jobs and FI would constantly ask me to do it, which would make me want to do it even less. He stopped and I got curious and eventually did it on my own and HATED it every time and had to stop early in. After a few tries, I flat out told him that I am never giving him a blow job again. He is disappointed, but he accepts it. That's how your husband should react.
What you husband is doing is not okay. If he wants to try to work it out in therapy, go. If the therapist is worth their salt, they'll tell him that he's a jerk (only in nice, therapist talk).
At this point in life/marriage, boys should be past pressuring women to do things they aren't comfortable with.
I absolutely would get a divorce over this. I do not want to spend the rest of my life with a man who constantly pressures me to do what I'm not comfortable with. I don't care that it's "just a few minutes" or not a big deal in YOUR relationship. In mine, it is.
And if he refused to do something for me that I loved, I would have figured out whether or not it was something I could live without before I accepted a marriage proposal.
He is acting like he does not care about your feelings. Period. Full stop.
Ditto couples therapy. Hopefully you two can figure out some strategies to ensure that both your needs are being met while simultaneously both feeling respected, understood and comfortable.
That's my thought. I'd be sympathetic to him if you pretended to enjoy them until you got married or something, but he knew what he was getting. Is he disrespectful in other ways? I'm betting so, but occasionally you get a generally decent person acting like a jerk over something isolated.
I don't agree with this at all. No one should make you do anything your not comfortable with.
Why would she take a class on how to become more comfortable with BJ's if it's not something she has EVER been comfortable with and he knows that? Your response is ridiculous and crude....she's looking for advice not your snarky comments.
You're reasoning is the reason why guys think it's okay to pressure girls. "Have anal sex, it won't kill you." "Get into hard core S&M, it only takes a few minutes." "You're acting like a baby for not having a threesome." It's not okay to pressure someone to do these things, so why would it be okay to pressure someone to give oral?
I absolutely would get a divorce over this. I do not want to spend the rest of my life with a man who constantly pressures me to do what I'm not comfortable with. I don't care that it's "just a few minutes" or not a big deal in YOUR relationship. In mine, it is.
And if he refused to do something for me that I loved, I would have figured out whether or not it was something I could live without before I accepted a marriage proposal.
Well, then, I guess you have your answer right there. Good luck to you.
He doesn't even say "Hey honey, it would be so hot if you _____".
Guys like these burn my azz.:(
This seems to be less about blowjobs, and more of a power struggle at this point, where neither of you wants to be the one to give in. It does sound like he's being a douche, but I have to say, you kind of come across a bit selfish here. I guess I truly don't understand why in this situation where you are not caused physical pain and would be giving him immense pleasure, your discomfort trumps his pleasure. I am sort of surprised by the women's responses here because I feel if it were the other way around, your husband being the one to refuse to go down on you, and you wanting it, I am not so sure the responses would be the same.
All that being said, I do agree with Kuus. Why on earth did he marry you if that was so important to him?? For that matter, why did you marry him when you feel he is disrespectful about it (or were you one who did it in the beginning, but once you had the ring informed him of your hatred for them)? I am probably wasting my breath, as it seems you have already made your decision, and neither one of you are willing to bend to make your relationship work. Perhaps you were looking for an excuse to end things and this is the perfect one because honestly, if you were happy in all other aspects, I find it hard to believe you would end a solid relationship because of blowjobs. I suggest next time, you find a guy who could care less about BJ's.
It's a big deal and a stumbling block now --- because there's something happening in their marriage that is a problem to him and he's using the blow job "problem" to mask what the REAL issue is he is pissed at.
That's my theory.
Or maybe he is using this issue as a way of working his way toward the door...and out of the marriage completely.
I urge you to get down to the bottom of this --- and if he won't fess up and he keeps pressuring you --- leave, at the next sign of his pressure on you.
And go out and find a guy who thinks ANYTHING you do in the bedroom is hawtt, sexy and wonderful.
This. EXACTLY this.
If this "issue" hasn't gotten to this point in the past 8 years, something else is going on and this is his scapegoat, if you will.
I say at least give counseling a shot, if only to uncover what the real deal is. You deserve so much better then to worry about giving your H an effing BJ.
You are just too cool for them, I guess. That there is great wine.:)
Aw, man...that's a bummer, Tarpon! It is good some good-azz wine, indeed. I'd be happy to send you some bottles. But it'll cost you.
I have to say that while I understand that not everyone enjoys giving their significant other blowjobs - I am shocked by the amount of negative comments towards them on this board!! If the roles were reversed I am not sure if the responses would be the same. Being pressured into doing a sexual act is never acceptable and should not happen in any healthy relationship. However, your post makes it seem like you are also completely unwilling to compromise on this issue and you do come across as seeming slightly selfish (your post doesn't really show that your marriage is alright other than this issue). Is this really an issue to end a marriage over? Is there any other underlying problem? He is asking for you two to go to therapy so he isn't looking for such drastic measures to this issue. I am also surprised that more of the replies don't ask what exactly is your husband looking for - what are his feelings?
Is there any other alternative that you can come to a compromise with. Is there something that you would really like for your husband to do (sexual or not) that he is unwilling to try? Could you both come to a compromise over these and every once in a while both of you will enact them? If there isn't any other issue in your marriage, then there has to be a way for the both of you to sit down and talk it over in a friendly and respectful way.Does he offer to give you oral sex in return? Have you compromised to giving him a hand job in place of the blow job - or rather do you offer him any other version of foreplay for him as a replacement (i.e. use a sex toy that replicates oral sex on him like one of the flesh light sleeves) or do you just want straight sex? Have you asked him why (other than it is pleasurable) this is such an important issue for him? Have you considered that your absolute dislike for blow jobs may be sending him the message that you don't love his penis? Do you tell him that you love it because it doesn't seem like you do from your post. Are you letting him down kindly, or do you act out in disgust or disdain (which is not a kind or healthy reaction to any request)? Men can be very sensitive about these issues and I know my husband appreciates the reminders that I do love his penis. For me, fellatio is the perfect opportunity for me to show my husband how much I love his penis and to give him a lot of pleasure. Not to mention a good session helps him maintain longevity during sexual intercourse.
This. He needs to respect you, and pressuring you to do something you don't feel comfortable doing is not respecting you.
I found this and I think it will help you.
http://ask.metafilter.com/144937/I-have-hangups-about-giving-head-Please-help-me-get-rid-of-them
Good luck this is a really hard issue to have and I hope you're able to resolve it without breaking up.
Some people have been talking about how if the roles were reversed, we would all be like "What a horrible man! He should be giving you oral stat!" Well, I don't know about the other women here, but I wouldn't. We asked OP what she would do if the roles were reversed and she answered that she would be respectful and evaluate how important it was for her. And that's the answer we should give anyone in this situation, male or female. No matter your gender, pressuring and being disrespectful of your partner's comfort zone is not okay. OP here isn't refusing to give her husband any source of pleasure - that would be a problem. She just wants to be respected and take pleasure in her sex life. If a guy was extremely uncomfortable with performing oral, it would be equally bad for the woman to be forcing him into it, especially if he was already giving her orgasms in other ways.
Like I've said, if sex is just about giving in to pressure and doing things you don't enjoy, then you're doing it wrong. It's a loving, respectful, and trusting act that brings two people closer together, and no aspect of it should push them apart.
This goes both ways, sweetie. I'm sure his desire for blowjob didn't suddenly appear after you married. In all likelihood you accepted his proposal knowing that you had some incompatibilities in the sex dept. And that basic issue has festered for years growing into something else.
Counseling. You need it.
This. I am naturally very self-concious and somewhat shy, and have done a lot of things that were uncomfortable for me, including bj's. With time (a lot of disciplined time for me), some of these things haven't really worked, but most of them have wound up making our sex so much better! Sometimes it just takes a lot of work.....it's not all about what makes just one of you feel good. Give and take for both.
Actually, it happens extremely frequently on this board that women complain about not being able to orgasm, and the immediate response is "You should get your DH to give you oral! And if he won't, he's a selfish DB, and you should DTMFA!!!1!1" There is a distinct double standard on this board that women should not ever have to even consider giving their DHs BJs if they don't want to, but men should never turn down an opportunity to give their DW oral.
And I agree with PP who said that OP never should have accepted her DH's marriage proposal knowing that BJs were important to him if she never planned on giving him one.
You didn't say whether he is giving YOU oral sex, and you didn't say whether you think counseling is a good idea. IMO you NEED to see a family therapist.