Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I should probably post this on TK, but...
... I like you ladies better lol. You've never led me astray! I'm in a wedding in August, and we've hit a little snag (this will probably end up longer than I planned lol).
I am one of four bridesmaids plus the MOH. MOH is the bride's younger sister (17). We've all worked together to plan the shower, bachelorette, etc. Mainly it's just be me and another BM b/c we're not getting a lot of input from the others, which is okay. Now one BM is backing out of attending both the shower and the bachelorette and also just told me she can't attend the rehearsal, all for work reasons, which I am highly suspect of. We've known the date of the wedding/rehearsal since last August and the shower/bachelorette since February.
I have tried to suggest seeing if she could switch with other coworkers, work a different shift, etc and nothing seems to be working. Any other suggestions? Honestly I don't care so much about the shower or bachelorette, but missing the rehearsal is absolutely crazy to me.
Also, should she still be responsible to chip in for the shower/bachelorette?
TIA!
BFP #1 3/23/12 ~ EDD 11/29/12 ~ M/C 5/20/12 ~ D&E 5/21/12
BFP #2 10/21/12 ~ EDD 7/4/13 ~ Team Pink!
Re: I should probably post this on TK, but...
Hi! Oh my goodness - hope this works out well. Here is my 2 cents:
Re: Now one BM is backing out of attending both the shower and the bachelorette and also just told me she can't attend the rehearsal, all for work reasons, which I am highly suspect of. We've known the date of the wedding/rehearsal since last August and the shower/bachelorette since February.
There is almost nothing you can do about this - for some reason, which could be valid, she is retreating from the wedding and her responsibilities. I would still ask her to chip in for the shower and the bachlorette - but wouldn't expect her to. I think she still should though. You just never know what is going on in other people's lives...
Re:the MOH being 17 - that is so young!!! good luck getting anything out of her as well. Maybe her folks will cover her end too - if she isn't working/babysitting.
I LOVE this board too - have visited some of the other boards and keep coming back to this one. It is my "happy place" esp. when things are stressful. Hang in there and let us know how it turns out.
~W.
If you're friends with the girl, I might call her and say, "Hey, I just wanted to ask if you're doing O.K. I know you're good friends with Bride and it's not really like you to not participate in stuff for her wedding. Is everything all right? Can I help with something?"
Otherwise, just leave it alone. She says she has work. Whether you believe her or not, it's really none of your business why she won't be attending these events. I agree that it's weird, and pretty rude, of her to back out of EVERYTHING involving the wedding plans, but it's not your place to say what she has to do for this wedding, or whether her work excuse is real. Either she's always been a flakey person, or something big happened in her life that's making her withdraw (the work excuse is real, she's running out of money, she's annoyed at the bride for some reason).
The rehearsal's really not a big deal. Any idiot can figure out how to walk down an aisle.
I don't think it's fair to ask this girl to chip in for events she's not attending (and maybe she's declining them because she CAN'T afford to pay for them). However, if she's not paying then she doesn't get any input. If she offers and you want to take her money, go for it. Or maybe she'd want to do something like make/address the invitations, or bake cookies for shower favors, so that she's still participating without having to spend money. I think it's fine to ask her if she wants to participate in another way besides giving money.
But no, I wouldn't ask her for any money. Talk to the other adult BM and the MOH and see what they want to do and how much they can contribute, and then plan a shower and bachelorette based on what they can provide. Ideally, the bride should be grateful for anything you do for her, even if it turns out to be something small and simple. If the bride gets pissy over not having it a certain way, that's her own fault for being a brat, not the other bridesmaid's fault for not chipping in any money.
My guess ... she's really broke (which explains why she's not attending the shower or bachelorette), or she's pissed at the bride for something (which explains why she's not attending the rehearsal). Sounds like she just wants to do her ceremony duty and that's it. I mean, she really COULD have work issues ... she might be on thin ice at work and doesn't want to piss them off by taking off for the rehearsal, or if she works hourly or on commission she might be desperate for the cash.
How much is the bridesmaid dress? And is the bride asking you guys to buy specific shoes and get your hair done? Does this girl need to travel? It just honestly might be too much for her.
Thanks! It's by no means a disaster, it's just really frustrating. I'll keep you all posted.
BFP #1 3/23/12 ~ EDD 11/29/12 ~ M/C 5/20/12 ~ D&E 5/21/12
BFP #2 10/21/12 ~ EDD 7/4/13 ~ Team Pink!
My blunt self would ask her point blank: "You're not participating, so I'm guessing it's one of two things: either you're broke or you don't want to be in the wedding. Fess up - which is it?" Of course, I'd come up with some more diplomatic phrasing, but I think it needs to be asked for the fairness of all involved. Not coming to the other activities, ok, whatever, but the rehearsal? I'm betting she wants to back out but can't think how.
My shower fell to my 2 main BMs bc my other two were broke (which we all knew) and 1000 miles away; the two far away girls could only chip in $50. I think this girl should contribute something if she plans to stay in the bridal party.
Telling me you can't afford it or some other legitimate excuse - tracking, no problem. Acting like a flake - problem.
My Pinterest
The Googlesites Paint Bio
Thinking of doing cosmetic updates to a dated home? These were our costs.
I have know her my whole life. We are high school friends of the bride, as is one of the other BMs. I have asked her several times if anything was wrong and she says no. Money shouldn't be an issue. She has a good FT job and just started a PT job b/c she's bored (her words, not mine). The only bills she has is a small student loan, her cell phone, and food/clothes. The dresses cost $120, we can wear w/e shoes we want, and hair is going to cost about $50. We were planning on carpooling and sharing a hotel room, so travel was only going to cost $100 max.
BFP #1 3/23/12 ~ EDD 11/29/12 ~ M/C 5/20/12 ~ D&E 5/21/12
BFP #2 10/21/12 ~ EDD 7/4/13 ~ Team Pink!
Telling me you can't afford it or some other legitimate excuse - tracking, no problem. Acting like a flake - problem.
I'm curious as to what this girl was like before she was asked to be a bridesmaid, though. If she was always a flake then I don't think there's anything that can be done, and maybe the bride should've given the other BMs a heads-up ("Hey, just so you don't take it personally, Kristen tends to not return calls and sometimes bails out at the last minute"). If she HASN'T always been a flake then something is wrong and I agree with finding a nice way to ask her if it's money or a personal problem.
Same girl dropped out of my wedding ten days before it happened. Her reasoning was that she waited too long to get alterations done to the dress and it was going to cost too much with the rush fees. I bent over backwards offering to pay for the alterations and everything. I think I'm seeing a pattern....
BFP #1 3/23/12 ~ EDD 11/29/12 ~ M/C 5/20/12 ~ D&E 5/21/12
BFP #2 10/21/12 ~ EDD 7/4/13 ~ Team Pink!
Weird.
I would just cut your losses with this girl and plan everything assuming that she won't show up or chip in at all. Because if you ask her to chip in, and if she she agrees and then at the last second she bails on you, then you're screwed. Just chalk it up to a weird personality and move on. (I mean, I don't think it's fair to ask her to chip in for something she's not attending anyway, but even if I thought differently I'd still say don't bother because she's clearly not going to give you the money.)
Does she only do this when she's in a wedding, or does she tend to bail out of everything without a legit excuse?
Also, it might be possible that she has a ton of debt that she's not mentioning. I don't even think I'd tell my closest friends if I had a big debt to worry about.
I agree that people like this are really annoying, but that's why I don't keep them as close friends. I had a couple people like this that I was considering asking to be my bridesmaids but then decided to keep it to just two girls, and I'm SO glad I did that.
You know what, you don't know what's going on with this woman or her relationship with the bride. You also don't know what her work is like. Maybe she didn't have the seniority to get the time off? Maybe she has a big project that week? Maybe there is tension with the bride? Maybe there is an illness? Maybe there is an unexpected bill? Thing is, you don't know. If she's a friend ask her as a friend if something is going on. If she's just someone you know through this bride, leave it.
I would not expect her to chip in for anything, but it'll be a bonus if she does. I'd especially not expect it for the bachelorette.
ETA: I just saw that you were hs friends and she did the same to you. Maybe she has other issues. I still say you really don't know what's going on in her head so leave it.
You're right 6, I don't know what's going on. And she's not telling me anything either, so I don't really know what to think. The bride has just been through so much (a previous relationship that was abusive, health issues, and the list goes on) and I don't want her having to deal with this BM backing out at the last minute like she did with me. I also don't want to judge the situation based on what happened to me, so I was looking for an objective opinion. Thanks!
BFP #1 3/23/12 ~ EDD 11/29/12 ~ M/C 5/20/12 ~ D&E 5/21/12
BFP #2 10/21/12 ~ EDD 7/4/13 ~ Team Pink!
Is this woman married? I find that the bridesmaids that opt out of participating in showers/bach parties, etc. whether physically or monetarily do so because they feel jealous or left out because they aren't engaged or in a relationship. I had a MOH and two brideslamids...the one who was single would not even return my MOH's phone calls when she was trying to organize my shower. The only reason I found out is that MOH asked me if she had the right phone number(s) for her.
She did attend my shower but did not offer any assistance. My MOH and other bridesmaid to my knowledge did not ask her for any money. They asked her to plan my bachelorette party which she did not and did not even attend.
It hurt my feelings a little back then ...so don't say anything to the Bride...but doesn't sound like you would do anyway since you were seeking advice from the boards.