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How to deal? Spouse w/ alcoholism
DD for privacy reasons.
Basically, my H is a drunk and I was too stupid to see it. He was sober for a while but is now drinking again. I thought that he had changed for good. When we first knew each other he didn't drink and I thought he was in that space again (though it is clear now he can't maintain that). He is going to live with his mother (plane booked for tomorrow). Yes, we were trying to have a kid together. Obviously, that was a mistake. I thought he was sober but it's still me being extremely weak and oblivious. I've already taken Plan B (got it earlier this morning) and based on when we've had sex the chances are slim that anything happened in that department.
I have a kid with someone else. I got pregnant on accident (was on birth control) but hey, still my fault and I still chose to continue the pregnancy.That was 3, almost 4 years ago.
For clarification, my H has NEVER done anything verbally abusive to my kid. If he ever even tried something like that I would have kicked him out immediately. Last night was the first time my son has ever been exposed to that type of behavior and I immediately took him away from it. I wasn't trying to start drama nor was I looking to get flamed. I was looking for help and advice - some of which I've received.
ETA: I am planning on attending personal therapy and have that set up for tomorrow.
Re: How to deal? Spouse w/ alcoholism
may i ask how old you and he are? i only ask because you say he doesn't have a job but goes to school.
so he's also living off of you? do you work?
i think AA is too little for him especially if you're worried abotu the detox. that takes a treatment center.
what if you asked him to move to an efficiency or a room in a shared apartment for some time, until he's through detox at least. stress that you don't want to call it quits with him, but that your son can't be around him while he's going through this. this way you wouldn't be asking him to move across the country; he'd still be local.
also, i agree that you need to take yoursef to al anon ASAP.
I'm working though I'll need to find another job come late summer / fall. My current position is contracted. He is almost 30. He had a job but not a career. He worked until January when he was laid off. That's when he started thinking about going to school. About a month later is when he started drinking again (so it has been going on for 4-6 weeks without my knowledge - he did it mostly after I'd gone to bed). Right now, we are living off my income alone. It's doable but not long term and we don't have much extra - definitely not enough for rent at another place or even a room for rent in someones house.
Thank you for the Al Anon tip. I found a group I can go to tomorrow. I don't have childcare today and am not comfortable leaving DS with H for obvious reasons. I can go tomorrow when I have childcare though.
I encouraged H to talk to his mom (she is an alcoholic too but has been sober for 29-30 years). He's on the phone with her now. I hope she has some advice or words of wisdom for him.
wow that sounds like a really difficult spot. i hope that he gets the help he needs and that you go to the alanon meetings. they will help you immensely. they may also be able to suggest what to do or resources for you and him. do you have medical coverage through work that covers him ? do they provide coverage for a program or a detox center for him?
but i also see huge red flags about the suicide attempts. something greater than his alcoholism is going on here if he was saying that while he was sober. between that and the aethist reason for not going to aa it kind of sounds like he's surrounding himself with excuses-which i guess is to be expected to some point.
My H is an alcoholic. He used to drink very heavily (extremely heavily for 10ish years). Before we got together I made it clear that was not something I can accept
Better yet, why did you date him at all, once you found out he was a drunk?
Al anon for you immediatly, indeed --- and this is a dealbreaker. I'd hit the road; marriage to a drunk is no marriage at all --- as you can see.
Your son doesn't need to be in this very unhealthy environment. I'd be out of there, just based on that alone.
You need not be religious for AA -- any sponsor there will tell you that -- and wow, what manipulativeness and passive aggressiveness....threatening suicide? Don't fall for this bullshit.
He's promised to go to AA; I am willing to bet he has not gone at all.
Do yourself a favor: get out of that horrible marriage immediately and take your son with you. there's nothing here to love and I would not tolerate anybody who yells at and verbally abuses a child.
Funny you should mention this, Kuus...
To the OP: WOW....how long were you apart from the father of your child before you took up with that toss pot you are now with???
What a mess...THERAPY for you, OP, stat.
WHYY did you expose a kid to this mess???
The second you found out this guy liked his oil, like I said, you should have been history...particularly pertinent when a kiddo is involved.
He also has lied about the drinking and hidden his booze. Why do you want to stay with a liar and a drunk?
Good grief...you have the gall to bring a second kid into this mess...
http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/64201538.aspx
I'm trying for my second. My first pregnancy and delivery was difficult. I was in pre-term labor at 33 weeks that was thankfully stopped, though I remained on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. Then due to a medical issue (with me, not DS) I was induced on my due date. Going into that induction I was already 4, almost 5 cm dilated and 80-90% effaced. I progressed well. There was an issue with the epidural that paralyzed me so my induction was paused for several hours until I regained consciousness (fun, right?). Then back to the induction.
I was at 10 cm for about 5 hours but DS would not descend. He was too large for my pelvis. He went into distress. I tried with the vacuum but had an emergency c-sec because DS' heartbeat was basically non-existent. I received general anesthesia. He came out happy and healthy but I was traumatized by the experience. I'd like to try for a VBAC but am just curious if anyone has tried one after a situation like mine. Just wondering what to expect. Of course I'll be talking with an OB soon but my insurance changed so I think I have to find a new doctor.
Date of thread: 2 whole days ago.
:bangs head on desk: what a mess. The only thing you should be trying for is THE DOOR.
I'm still floored that the OP wants to bring another kid into this mess -- not only is he a drunk but you are not financially secure enough to even consider another child -- and I'm floored that she thought this guy was wonderful enought to marry.
Your H needs a rock bottom moment. That's when he'll realize he has the problem and he'll get help for it -- either AA and rehab (a doc can make the call for rehab) or a drug and alcohol counselor.
I see no hope here at all.
And how nice: he is drinking up your income on booze. When does it end, might I ask???
Wait, what? Why on EARTH are you trying to have another child w/ this man? I'm floored. Floored.
Please be smart about this and realize this is NOT a situaiton to bring another child into. Please.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
To the OP: as said, get to Al Anon. Go to therapy as you have planned. Ensure that your DH moves out and gets his life together, if he even wants to do so. Who knows what will happen in the future, but for now, you need to separate from him.
To the person who said to never be with an alcoholic, that's ridiculous. So anyone who's been clean and sober for 10 years does't ever deserve a chance? 20 years? Ever?
Whoa, hold on a second....I heard you say he got verbally abusive when he gets bagged -- and wow, to me, if your kid hears it, then he is being verbally abused, even *if* it is not directed at him.
And even if he is never in earshot, why the eff are you tolerating this????
Ya can't fix what is broken -- and this guy was broken long before you met him.
You got advice and sometimes flaming is the only way to get the point accross. You did not have to delete.
Leave this bum posthaste and take your kiddo with you.I don't know how long you have been married but it is possible to get an annulment --- he's got an addiction and I believe an addiction is one of the cases for annulment.
I agree with PPs. It sounds like he needs in-patient treatment, not just AA. Especially since he gets so angry when he is going through withdrawal. They can manage his detox and he will be away from you and kiddo.
Second, I think AlAnon may be helpful for you, but I also think you need therapy. You need to figure out why you have put up with this guy for so long and why on earth you would even consider having another child with him when you know how bad things are. Please don't bring another child into this situation. It is bad enough that one child has to witness it. And I know you think that the recent incident was the first your son has seen, but kids are way smarter than most people think, and I promise you it wasn't.
Hard to believe.
She needed to tell him "Son, that's tough luck but here's the scoop: until you are clean and sober, you're out of my life. Sober up with help of AA and stay clean and prove you have been for a good long while and we'll talk." and then ended the conversation.
Dealbreaker for me. I would be out the door till he got clean.
My father was an alcoholic, he was sober on and off for ten years, he passed away a month ago due to heart problems induced by his alcoholism.
No way would I put up with that behavior from a spouse, not for a week or a month.
To the OP:
He was never sober. Not by AA standards.
AA calls people who "go on the wagon" without help of a 12 step program (or drug and alcohol counselor) a "dry drunk."
In other words, they may not be drinking but they are still an active alcoholic and they are by no means in recovery.
And I'm still floored his mother will take him in. Hard to believe. (and if she is a member of AA and she is doing this, even more outrageous to believe)
Your H needed to avoid alcohol ---and all addictive situations/issues/things because addictive personalities are inherited. (it may not ma nifest as alcohol addiction; could be food, shopping, gambling, spending or some other illegal substance)
I have been sober for 7 years. No AA, healthy and happy, no desire to ever return to the life. AA can call people who don't need them "dry drunks" if they want - there is never just one way to do something. AA hasn't cornered the market on healthy recovery. Be careful using absolutes like you are right and everyone else is wrong.
As an alcoholic in early recovery (8 months), I agree with the "dry drunk" comment. A dry drunk is not someone who is not going to AA, therapy, etc. A dry drunk is someone who is not drinking, but is still exhibiting alcoholic behaviors. For example, they may be having a pepsi with dinner, but they are still selfish, manipulating, having a desire to drink, etc. Sobriety, but no life changes being made.
That being said, I was an active alcoholic for almost 10 years. Some years less intense, the last few years being much worse. My husband bore the brunt of that pretty badly for the past 3 years. Thankfully, when he should have thrown me out, he helped me. We worked though a lot. I tried to get sober for several years. Sometimes on my own will power, sometimes with help. I've been sober for almost 9 months now. Mostly with the help of rehab, AA, a sponsor, and individual and marriage therapy. While it was helpful for me so far, there are other ways to get sober too.
To the person who posted, I can't speak to everything because it appears you DDed before I got to read.
I think it would probably help to get to Al-Anon. Even though I'm in recovery, I can't help my husband process everything from my perspective. He needs to find support in other places, with other people. Also, a place for him to be open without my 2 cents. I have AA to vent my needs with my peers, Al-Anon is a place for you to vent out your needs.
There is also a board online called sober recovery. There is a "family and friends" section that may be beneficial to read. I'm sure there are plenty of books and support out there as well. The idea of co-dependency was key for my husband as well. Understanding how he protected me and furthered my own problems.
It's a messy, messy situation. As an alcoholic, I needed compassion and understanding, but I also needed people to be firm. It took me a long time and a lot of failed attemps to wake up. I'm only now starting to address the emotional problems that led to my drinking. I still have days I struggle a lot.
He needs to first and foremost address the drinking. Find a way to put the drink down. Get some time to be clear headed. Not all the problems will go away as soon as the drink disappears. My husband and I still have tremendous problems. In fact, we are thinking about divorce - not due to the alcohol at this point, but due to other issues. Thankfully, I'm clear headed now to make more rational decisions.
Anyways. I may be rambling. The point is, the drink has to be put down first. He needs some time to be sober. Address the other issues after that. In the meantime, get yourself support. Al-Anon is a great start. Therapy would be beneficial too.
Congrats on your sobriety and all your hard work. The emotional issues underneath were the key to my transformation as well. Life is a million times better. Hang in through the bad days. They become few and very far between.
OP: Run, now, before it's too late. He will either sober up and figure out a way to follow you (figuratively speaking... as in detox, inpatient treatment, ongoing therapy, groveling for forgiveness, forever....) or you will get away from him, mourn the loss of the relationship for what it was, and be your son's hero.