Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is this that rude? (long, venty)
So some backstory, I have two friends we'll call S and K. We are all part of a large college group. We used to live in the same city with a bunch of other friends and hung out pretty regularly. That sort of died out while I was there and then I moved. I was definitely more distant from S than K.
I moved a year and a half ago and have since only seen or communicated with S and K twice and at group events. K (who I talked to a few times a week before my move) comes to my city frequently and stays with a mutual acquaintance who she knows lives less than 10 blocks from me. I've asked her to grab dinner, drinks, coffee whatever while she's in town several times (of course making it known acquaintance was welcome). She never once made any effort and I stopped trying. Now I see she's here all the time according to Facebook and she makes no contact. Fine, no biggie friendships change.
So both S and K are getting married in our old city a few months apart. S has a bachelorette party coming up in my city, that I was "accidentally" not invited to, but every single other mutual friend was. Again whatever, but my feelings were hurt. One of the mutual friends asked if I was going and I just said "oh I wasn't invited." Then a few hours later the invitation shows up in my email, from one of the hosts with an RSVP date of two weeks earlier and no explanation, which I just think is rude. Not even as much as a "hey! so sorry we missed getting this to." Nothing.
Anyways after thinking about it, driving 8 hours roundtrip, spending the in a hotel, gas, etc., just didn't sound all that appealing to me for either of these ladies. So I decided to just RSVP no, but did send a gift.
My best friend who is also part of this group thinks it's incredibly rude that I'm not attending. And she can't believe I'd miss their "big day." Is it really that rude? I mean frankly I think they've been a lot ruder. It's not like I RSVPed yes and didn't show or something.
Re: Is this that rude? (long, venty)
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
This
I think an emailed invite with no explanation was really rude on their part. The thought of spending money and time for a friend who didn't bother to talk to you/spend time with you within the past 2 years does not sound very appealing to me either.
Unless it's your sibling I don't see how it's ever rude to not attend a wedding. You RSVPed and as the saying goes- it's an invitation, not a subpoena.
I don't blame you for not going, I don't travel for weddings unless I am very close to the bride or groom.
Your bf needs to realize an invitation is just that. Even if you were still close, you're allowed to say "no". I'm having a hard time understanding where your friend thinks you're rude, to be honest.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's an invitation, not a soepena!
It is NEVER rude to decline a wedding invite.
Stop discussing it with your best friend. It's none of her business what weddings you go to, but if you are complaining about S and K to her, you've gotten fair warning to stop now. However, I would not be angry if you were overlooked - - don't assume it was anything other than an accident. If you aren't in contact with these people often, it could be something as simple as they got your email / regular address wrong, or were waiting until they had your address to mail it and then it got put in a pile....not optimal but maybe they didn't write a note because THEY were embarressed.
It sounds as if your best friend isn't ready to leave college behind.
Your friend needs to realize that friendships change over time and it's clear that you aren't as close to S and K as you once were - it happens. We grow up and move on.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Oh goodness no. I'm not that nice:) Just gifts for the wedding.
She knows everything and has known for a while about their actions being hurtful even before their wedding stuff came up. She agrees they have been really rude. It's actually a REALLY bizarre reaction from her. She isn't stuck in college at all as other poster's have suggested (although I can see how that would totally make sense). In fact she isn't even that close with S anymore and they live in the same city.
I think she just places a really, really high level of importance on weddings and thinks there events you should move mountains to attend. I was kinda shocked by her reaction actually. She always does like to see the good in people so she always has excuses for people's behavior.
In fact when my BF had her baby she was really hurt that K pretty much ignored her. K lived less than a mile away and didn't even send a congrats text for a few weeks. I think BF is quick to forgive and forget. Whereas I just don't need people in my life who don't make the effort.
Well we are all included on group email chains frequently and I recently saw all of them at an alumni weekend about a month ago. I know there is no way they don't have my email address. Also the wedding invitation managed to get mailed just fine...I mean again it's totally their right to not invite me or visit me, but people really shouldn't be surprised that I'm not going to go out of my way to attend their wedding.
Well, I'll say that your friends heart seems to be in the right place. But she needs to understand that everyone doesn't see the world through the same lens as she does.
And even if she isn't stuck in college - she still needs to understand that friendships change, and priorities change. I think weddings are very important too, but not "move mountains" important. Over the years we've had good friends get married, but were unable to go because of distance and cost. Hence my comment about priorities. No one should ever go into debt over a wedding.
It's just simply not her place to dictate that you're rude for not going!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10