Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Disciplining children/pets, on different page than H [kind of long]
We took a Bradley class, and we really liked it. They don't really go beyond the newborn stage, though.
I don't think we need one right now, necessarily. We have a coupon for half off of any Safety First product, and I mentioned the idea of getting a gate with it now and keeping it in a closet until she crawls since it expires in a couple weeks. I was expecting him to say either, "Sure, let's use the coupon for that," or, "Let's use it for something else since maybe this other thing is a higher priority to get," or something like that. I was not expecting, "Why do we need a baby gate? Can't we just tell her not to play by the stairs? What would we do with it in the closet for two years?"
Then I asked why he said that bit about two years.
"Isn't that when we'd start using it? Because that's when they can walk on their own."
I was really unprepared to explain to him that a crawling child can possibly get to the stairs faster than we can stop her, just as easily as a walking child can, and that most kids are actually walking without help way before they are two years old. He just does not believe that a child is physically capable of crawling over to the stairs with any speed. I also tried to tell him that telling a toddler not to do something doesn't guarantee they won't do it. Then it became, "Why would she want to play on the stairs anyway if all her toys are in her bedroom?" It just gets frustrating trying to explain how much of a handful a kid can be and having to stop and explain all the developmental stuff in a conversation to such an extent that we forget what we were originally discussing. It would just be a lot easier if we could download things to our brains like in The Matrix.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
That's not what I said. I am sure there will be times, regardless of her temperament, when I feel totally f*cked. I just don't think that I am going to go into panic mode the first time she pukes in the car or throws a tantrum or whatever. I know that stuff happens and have handled it before. My husband, on the other hand, was completely stunned when he handed our 14-month-old nephew a bowl of cheerios complete with milk and spoon and the bowl ended up all over the floor--and even more confused about the crying that ensued, what to do about it, and where to start cleaning the giant mess.
I do think that not having to argue for an hour over every last detail of every parenting decision with somebody who almost dropped the last baby he held because she started filling her diaper, and who needed to be convinced by three different people that we really do need a car seat, would make things a lot easier. I mean, I let him do the taxes without interrogating him over what software we're using, because I trust him and know he's better with numbers than I am anyhow. When he tells me that I need to give him X form this year instead of Z form like last year, I don't fight him on it. If I am expected to have the majority of the responsibility for disciplining our pets and child, I would appreciate the same trust on at least the smaller things.
Guys! I'm an awful parent and my husband shouldn't have procreated with me because I didn't know babies crawl faster than a herd of galloping ponies!
On second thought you might be in trouble if your DH does not know that an infant needs to ride in a car seat wtf. Or how to clean up a bowl of spilled cheerios. weird.
Lady, I never said I shouldn't have procreated with him. Other people here said that, and not me.
I can't blame him for not having spent a lot of time around kids. My beef here is that I am getting the crazy eye for suggesting that our kid needs to ride in a car seat instead of getting a reaction such as, "Oh! I guess that's why everyone we know has one in their car. Let's go pick out a car seat." Etc. Etc. If you wanted to tell everyone you know who has kids that they are wrong about everything when they tried to work with you on things four months ago, I'd say maybe you're a PITA, though not necessarily an "awful parent."
He sounds somehow like he is being ignorant, not educating himself at all, defensive and you are having huge issues because your gut is telling you that the $hit is getting ready to hit the fan.
First, when I had a playgroup with my first, we discussed the dads and discipline. If they weren't following our lead, we told the moms to say.... "Would you want me to go into where you work and tell you how to do your job? So, you have to trust me and follow my lead here because this is my job. (child rearing).
It is sooooo important to be on the same page because the kids will know it and give you a very hard time if you are anything but consistent.
Not spending a lot of time around kids is one thing... but when you have a wife who is so close to having this baby, it is no excuse for not educating himself about what to expect. And honestly, the hardest time in our marriage was the birth of our first son... you need to communicate better than you ever have... otherwise the resentments about who is doing what or not doing what really, really get in the way. Especially if you are sleep deprived and he is sleeping all night.
Yeah, I'd be nervous if I were you. Your DH seems like a moron, and a willful one at that. You are right - reinforcing bad behavior gets you more bad behavior. It is common sense. You have a lot of experience with kids. I don't really get all the 'you're a big fat know-it-all' hate here. She's experienced in child care folks. Presumably, that means she knows that some methods work better for some kids than others. Same with the pets. Variation does not negate basic principles of behavior modification. If it did, every parenting book ever written would be invalid.
" somebody who almost dropped the last baby he held because she started filling her diaper, and who needed to be convinced by three different people that we really do need a car seat"
I dont think he is a moron but he sounds like he has an undiagnosed problem. Im sure I will get flamed for this but as I have a son with this issue it was my first thought to what you described. http://www.asperger-advice.com/asperger-symptoms-in-adults.html
This is crazy. And terrible advice.
Tee-hee. I've never been "lady"-ed before.
This just makes you H sound like a... well, like there is something wrong with him. Sure, I could picture myself giving a child a bowl of cereal and a spoon and seeing the mess that ensued and go "oops, that was stupid". I mean, when my neice was 2, I fed her pizza from a fork because I didn't realize she could feed herself. Most of what you were saying came from inexperience and not being around children.But needing to be convinced you need a car seat! By multiple people! I'm speechless and feel as if there is more to this then we have been told. Is he always so disagreeable? Immature and doesn't like to be told what to do? Is he playing dumb?
Edit: Or maybe it was what we thought all along and he got tired of you being a know-it-all and decided to make a stand about something and picked the carseat?
I'm still thinking there is more to the story. Did he question the "we need a car seat" or did he question "we need the top-of-the-line-car-seat-bottle-warmer-and-six-disc-cd-changer."
The toddler and a bowl of cereal? My daycare gives my one-year-old a real cup (not a sippy) and a bowl of cereal with milk almost every morning. And really, how would you clean up that mess? A broom, paper towels? I can see someone who is kind of a critical thinker pausing before that one.
I'm still not convinced he is a dummy and you aren't a know-it-all. I think that unless you want him to give up on parenting all together, you need to take his thoughts into account. I think that basing your entire parenting strategy on the dumb things he does or says while you are pregnant is a recipe for disaster. I hate to say it, but to some men, parenting doesn't become "real" until the baby is born.
And, many times, parenting for the first time is a comedy of errors. A lot of things that we were sure would happen didn't, and a lot of things that we never dreamed would happen did. Take the baby gate for example. My kid didn't have an interest in stairs until he knew that he could climb them by himself. He only bothers them when he wants to go to bed at night, or if he left his blanket upstairs. The only thing we use the baby gate for is to put in front of his door at night so we don't have to close it. We have expensive baby monitors that we've never used, and other things that we "cheaped out" on, we found that we can't live without.
My advice hasn't changed. You need to drop the "I know how to do this- you are an idiot attitude." Quit arguing with him. If you want a baby gate and have a coupon, go get the baby gate. But remember, how you guys start out could effect the next 18 years of your co-parenting together.
I didn't go into this before, but my theory about why he has remained so deliberately clueless is because he thought we might never have kids. By the time we got married, it was pretty clear that I had some health issues that could mean we'd never have a baby. I also had a m/c that left me devastated and almost destroyed our relationship. We talked about adopting someday after maybe TTC again. On top of that, we talked about adopting a child who was maybe a little older, a toddler or something instead of a baby. I think maybe a part of him just figured we wouldn't have kids/infants, so he didn't need to bother learning this stuff. He may have even deliberately avoided child-related stuff at certain times as a coping mechanism or something.
It was a total shock when we started trying (initially at his urging) and were successful right away. We had planned for it to take 5 years, because that's what doctors said. It took one cycle. He probably thought he had 5 years to figure out all this "when do they start walking, what stuff do babies need" sh*t, and instead he had/has ten months. This probably feels really sudden to him. Like I said, I don't blame him for having not been around kids before or taken steps to educate himself earlier in life. That's the past; we can't change it. I am unhappy because my conversations and other efforts to try to get him to speed now are so difficult.
Are there really childless people, who have no intention of having children, who don't know about and understand the concept of a carseat for babies? Really?
That aside, I think you need to stop trying to fight all your battles now. The good thing about babies is that more jobs get added in as you go along. So really all your DH will need to work out to begin with is how to change a diaper, put LO in a carseat and maybe give him a bottle if you FF.
You've got lots of time to babyproof your house and decide on your approach to discipline.