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Immature Husband
The title clearly states how I feel. I know I sound like I'm typing out of anger, but I'm not I've had 3 years to decide this is really the main issue.
Beginning.. got married. Sunk in the economy, he lost job and I couldn't find a job to support us both after college graduation.
Instead of doing everything he could to find a job, heck even 2 part time jobs (like I was working) he went to the military recruitment, decided that was his only option and we joined a week later. I don't have resentment about this decision bc it did save us from drowning and provided the benefits we needed to have our first child.
BUT I do have guilt wondering where we would be if we were free to do whatever we wanted, and not owned by the military. I miss my home and family so much sometimes it hurts, having their help with my son would be so great and needed. Deployments suck and the time soldiers spend apart from their families is ridiculous.
So that brings me today, I'm the one and only person who touches and handles ALL of our finances. From paying bills, to paying and managing debt to dealing with the monthly expenses. He can not save or plan a penny. He's irresponsible with money and can not see long term what.so.ever. This isnt a jab at him, he would be the first to openly admit it. Hence why he "gave" me the finances.
So in turn, I add the financial stress to my daily mother stress, wife stress and the stress of my home run business. If I stopped to breathe in my day I would laugh. I simply can not handle every single thing in this household.
Today was the final straw when we recieved a $25 fee notice on our door because our trashcans were not brought it yesterday on trash day. His ONE and only chore in this entire house, I'm not kidding, its his only chore. Then an hour later to have MP's knock on our door to tow his ATV bc it is not allowed to be stored on post. He knows this, he's just too lazy to deal with it.
Of course when I mention these things, its *itching, nagging and complaining.. which IS what I feel i do all the time. Babysit a grown man. I know a conversation needs to happen but HOW do I talk to him without saying, "If you don't seriously change, I'm leaving" ..because that is actually the truth and how I feel.
Re: Immature Husband
You're right, your husband is immature. But, if you can't talk to him about his lack of participation in the marriage, then so are you.
Didn't you know this before you married him? You can't keep shouldering all the adult things by yourself. Why did you procreate with this sorry stump of a man, anyway? If he's been like this before you married, when you were pregnant and all-- did you keep waiting for him to change?
If I were you I think you've given it your best shot, but you need to have a partner-- not another child to clean up after. He's grown and should know better. Drop him and get on with your life. You don't want your son to see this model of parenting/marriage.
So, you were both unemplyed and broke and decided to have a baby....awesome.
I agree with pp if you cant have an adult conversation with him than you arent so mature yourself.
Type a letter if you must and tell him to read it, tell him you want counseling NOW, and tell him he had a deadline to improve or you are gone!
Why does he care if you get a $25 fine or his ATV towed? It's a serious question. Why does he care? Does it have any impact on him? I see your point of view that it's not a hard task to manage, especially since it is his only task, but really, other than the $25 fine and your rage, why does he care?
Yes, it would be nice if he cared out of some kind of inner desire to be engaged and productive. But he let it slide, so he doesn't. Unless he feels some consequence he's not going to make it a priority. And it just seems absurd that he's going to remember the trash cans so his wife doesn't leave him.
And I agree with you that b!tching and nagging is not a very pleasant place for YOU. So, the consequence of a b!tchy wife isn't a realistic motivator either. Becuase it s unpleasant fo you to be his mother.
So, what's it going to be? What's the downside of getting tagged in the fine? Nothing? Something? What? Does $25 impact you at all? If so, how? Does he care how it impacts your household?
If you have a bigger issue that he does not contribute to the household (and it sounds like you do) then deal with that separately. But so long as you are fuming about this bill and this tow, then deal with it. Clearly and simply. And logically. Don't roll the two together. But do deal with each.
I'm just going to throw this out there, and I really want you to think about it.
A man who is engaged in a partnership is engaged in a partnership. A man who is not, is not.
To be frank, he's set up in a pretty nice situation. He's married to his mother and feels no impetus to change that dynamic. I mean, I'd love to have my SO snowed to the point that he thought I was only capable of bringing in trash cans. But, alas, the fact that I hold down a job and manage to dress myself in the mornings means that I'm capable of contributing more. And I do. It's because I give a shiit.
You can't force him to be good with money or an active husband/father. He is the person you married. The only person you can change is you.
Now, what are you going to do about it?
Don't say that he didn't warn ya.
You knew in advance of your marriage that he can't handle money. That's when you should have said goodbye. Because if he could nott handle money like an adult at that point, he was never going to be able to.
I will bet that he had a mother who did positively everything for him. This is why he won't pitch in.
You could sit him down and say "From here on in, here is the way it is: you and I will be 50 50 on all the household chores" and then divvy up a list --- if he doesn't like it too bad --- if it works, great. I'm guessing that it will not.
And you could indeed give him an utimatum: Get with the program and be a man and contribute no questions asked...or you leave. Then be prepared to stand behind your "deal."
Honestly, you either need to talk to him like a partner, and let him know what you expect, or cut your losses. He is acting like a child. However, only giving him "one chore" isn't the solution. What kind of example will he be to your child?
I liked PP's suggestion of writing a letter, if that is easier. However, I will be completely honest and say that I personally wouldn't be able to be married to someone who needed to be told to do his fair share. Good luck, this sounds like a shittty situation.
I agree. Drowning, neither of you could find jobs... but you had a kid! My husband and I are 31 with advanced degrees and still can't afford a child so we're waiting... like adults.
Your husband isn't engaged in your marriage and I think you have blinders on about your situation. The change has to come from both of you.
All of this. Every single word.
Have you asked him why he feels, as an adult, that he doesn't have to do anything around the house? And what happens if you stop doing stuff?
And yeah- what consequences does he ever suffer for his choices?
I agree- I have a feeling he had a mom who did everything, and then he found a wife who would take over that job.
I'll tell you this - dont' throw out the "I'm going to leave" unless you REALLY mean it. That is NOT an ultimatum to play with. Because if nothing changes and you don't leave... guess what? All he'll learn is that your words mean nothing.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Can either of you read? I clearly said in my post "I don't have resentment about this decision bc it did save us from drowning and provided the benefits we needed to have our first child." The Army gave us an extremely higher salary, benefits and extras to provide for us to have our first child. I never said we were broke with a child, ENOUGH money is NOT our issue, MANAGING our money was the issue I was asking for advice on. I'm not a broke child who can not manage my life. I can manage my life and my child, what I needed advice and HELP with was how to approach the subject of NOT managing my husband's life. But thanks for going off on your own ideas and not caring or reading what I actually said.
You need to be open and honest with him.
And don't bluff with, "I'm leaving you if you don't do a, b, and c" unless you really do plan on leaving him.
I think this situation is fixable, if he is willing to grow up a tad and also if you're willing to discuss problems in your marriage with him like an adult.
Don't tiptoe around this issue, it's important and something you need to both invest time in order to have a healthy relationship.
If he isn't responsive to you when you lay it all out on the table, then come back to us and see what advice we give.
Is that too much to expect? I did? I grew up overnight? I had to
Yeah it was an unrealistic expectation, especially if you recognized the behavior before you had the baby. Just because you grew up doesn't mean he is/was going to. Especially if you do everything for him, why would he change? He's got a pretty sweet deal right now.
But my advice going into it- if he actually pulls that out, you need to not tip toe around it. You AREN'T NAGGING. You're asking him to be a grown man and to contribute to the household the way ADULTS do. The fact that you need to "nag" him really only proves how much like a child he is acting.....
This is what I'd actually say to him! Call him out on it. "Shame" him a little. He needs to realize he's acting like a child. If he doesn't want to be treated like one,, then don't act like one.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is the problem in marrying young. Nine times out of ten, one person doesn't "grow up."
And it's really something you shouldn't expect out of a person you marry. The person should have already grown up before you married him/her.
some of the other posters said it well when they said "what is his motivation or why should he care". Because you do all the bills doesn't mean he shouldn't sit down with you and see what you are paying out. See how much work you do with that. I used to do all the bills and I hated it. then DH did them and he hated it. We now do it together. I know your issue isn't money but maybe him seeing what you are paying out etc.. would be helpful with him being so lax about the trashcans etc.
I had to have a frank talk with my husband about chores. i felt I did the lions share. he really jsut didn't think about what needed to be done because I did it all. We now split the stuff 50/50. I am certainly not saying men are dumb but some men are clueless when it comes to chores etc. especially if they never lived alone or if someone is doing it all.
Hang in there... sit and have a chat with him. outline what you BOTH need to do to make life easier for the both of you
People should really teach this stuff in high school. In home ec, maybe.
My husband was extremely immature, and at times, still shows that less-than-stellar side of himself.
I think that you do need to pull out the "if this doesn't change, I'm leaving" card. And you need to be serious. And you need to let him know that you are serious. I have discussed divorce with my husband on more than one occassion. He won't know that you are serious until you tell him. When my DH was at his worst, I didn't want to bring up the D-word, because I thought we were salvagable. I was so close to leaving, but he had no idea, until I told him.
You need to quit picking up the pieces. He doesn't bring in the trash cans? Well, then he has to pay the fine. Maybe it comes out of his "fun money" for the month. He doesn't have clean jeans? Well, he needs to learn how to wash them. The MPs want to tow his ATV? Let him. He needs to have consequences for his actions. He thinks that you are nagging? Don't nag. Don't remind him that the trash cans need to come in, that he needs to clean up after himself. Just don't do it. Sit down with him, divide out the chores and then just don't do the the ones that he chooses. You might have to look at dirty dishes for a while, or he'll have to pay a fine for not mowing the lawn, but that's his problem.
As far as the finances? My DH is terrible with spending money, and I'm terrible about paying bills on time. So, I make the budget and he pays the bills. Sit down with him, make a budget and stick to it.
Say what? Worst advice ever.
So she should overlook the fact that he is irresponsible and immature because he is good at your job?
No, she can't change him. But she can change her habits, and he will have to adapt.
Or she can GTFO and only raise one child.
Yes with that I agree but here is what I see. She is a stay at home mom with insurance and a good income because of the lazy man. He is deployed for very long periods as she says. Which means she really doesnt have to put up with him that much. Also it means she is used to putting out her own trash. Along with this is he getting home to decompress from these deployments just to have a nagging wife greeting him and wants him to do stuff around the house that she can do herself??? The life of a military wife isnt easy and she has been living it for awhile. She handles the finances because he obviously cant be paying bills in Afganistan or where ever he is at that time. Its her job as the military wife to do everything she described. If he wasnt deployed all the time I would completely agree with you about changing his habits. She complaines about missing her family which is what I think maybe the real issue and not DH not bringing in the trash cans when he is home. Oh and he cant be all that bad because "getting pregnant" is on her shortcut list....Def not what I was thinking about when I was "raising" my exh
I think someone is projecting a leeetle too much.
So. You think that she should suck it all up because he is in the military? That when he is not deployed, he should not have to do anything to take care of himself? Or his home? Or his family? She's not asking him to do much. Just bring in the garbage and take care of his shiz.
But because he is in the military and she is a SAHM, she should wait on him hand and foot? The military is even fining him for his laziness.