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I had a turn of events this week.....
Not sure who all is around but we had a change of events this week. As I mentioned in the FFFC, DS is in counseling and his counselor suggested I contact XH to explain what is going on with DS. Lately DS keeps saying he wants his mommy and daddy. He also asks where his daddy is and the sort eventhough he has no memory of DS. She said that if he flakes out, she will help him cope but she really feels that it is necessary.
Now I was really torn with this because I have felt that if he wanted to be in his life then he would be. I asked my friends and family about this to get their opinions. It was after talking to a girl at work who's dad was in jail most of her life and after talking to J who knows my XH as well as had his own dad take off never to be heard from again. Both of them said the same thing, call XH.
Yesterday I sent him a text that we needed to talk. We talked on the phone after he got home and I explained how I'm running out of things to explain his absence. I also asked why he left out of the court room a year ago this month without seeing DS after he had requested it. He stated it was more than he had expected with being slapped with divorce papers (even though he refused to sign them months earlier) and having the child support more than doubled due to childcare. He said he didn't want to take out his anger on DS. I also learned that he was almost kicked out of the army due to his debt/credit and had his security clearance taken away. He is allow to stay in but has to pay off every last dime owed on his credit, because of this he is living off of sandwiches (I have no sympathy here). He explained that he misses DS and wants him to have a relationship with his daughter who is about 9 months old.
This lead to having DS call him that night after explaining things to him. I also threaten XH that if he flakes out on DS again he will live to regret it and told him beforehand that if he felt like he couldn't place a long term effort to let me know and we'll nix it now before involving DS. During the phone call with XH and DS I had it on speaker phone and gave DS topics to talk about just to coach him along. It ended with XH a sobbing mess and DS losing interest saying "I don't want to talk to my daddy". It will take time but if it gets to be too much then I'll pull the plug as not to torture DS as this is hard enough on the poor little guy.
I know this is getting long but one last thing that has me concerned. While I was talking to DS to prep him for the phone call to XH, he said he didn't want to talk to his daddy. I asked him why and he said "because you took it". I asked him what did I take, he said "you took my daddy, that's not very nice mommy." I have no idea where he got this from and this really concerns me. The only thing I can think of is my sister who can be very two faced when it comes to me. I explained that daddy moved far away and that is why we came to live with grandma. He seemed to understand that explaination but it still hurt.
Re: I had a turn of events this week.....
My son is about your son's age and he had some trouble adjusting after the divorce. Granted, he still sees his father every week, but he is a very bright boy, and despite the fact that we've been apart for a year and a half, this kid still will randomly remember holidays we had together and when mommy and daddy lived in the blue house together. I took him to counseling for awhile and the therapist told me when he asks about why we don't all live together anymore to go ahead and explain to him the truth, but in a simplified way. So if you ask my son, he can tell you that mommy and daddy don't live together anymore because they got a divorce, which happens sometimes with mommies and daddies, but that we both still love him very much. In fact just this morning he told me that when its his birthday he is going to get a card from mommy and daddy that says we love him so so much.
I would just be honest with him and tell him his daddy loves him and misses him. I would absolutely encourage the relationship between father and son, regardless of your feelings on his parenting or his efforts to build the relationship. At the end of the day, you want to have done everything you possibly could to support that relationship. Your son will figure it out on his own when he is older that mom did everything she could to help grow the relationship, even if dad didn't.
He is in MO, I'm in VA. Right now it's not possible. We can skype but have opted not to as to first give DS a chance to grasp the concept that he even has a dad then we'll let him skype with him. We're taking it a step at a time. I'm also really watching XH, to make sure he at least places an effort before really getting DS wrapped up in this.
I think its important to remember that 3 year olds are smart but they aren't necessarily capable of understanding or articulating complicated emotions they're feeling. If he really hasn't had much contact with his bio Dad since he was 11 months he is probably more attached to the idea of a Dad than his actual Dad. I used to nanny for a kid with two fathers who called me Mommy. He didn't understand exactly what a Mommy was, all he knew was that the other kids had this girl who picked them up from daycare and she was called Mommy. I fit a lot of that description so he decided I fit that role. He wasn't actually missing a Mom or what one provided, he just thought he was supposed to have one. If your son is surrounded by kids who had a father figure they call Dad he may be missing the idea of his Dad rather than his actual Dad. I'm sure his therapist has a better insight on that than me but its just a thought. Even though he's asking for his Dad he might not actually want a relationship with HIS Dad. It may just be him saying hey, I feel like I'm missing this thing everyone else has and the only way I can think to say it is, I miss my Dad. Technically he is missing HIS Dad when in reality he's just missing A Dad. There's a difference but a three year old can't articulate that.
Missing his Dad and being ready for a relationship with his Dad are also two different things. And at 3 he isn't ready for a complicated emotional relationship with his Dad or prepared to take on his Dad's emotional burden, aka crying on the phone. Skype may be a good way for them to see one another and do something, like coloring, or playing dinosaurs together without being in the same place. Likewise, a phone conversation should be his Dad asking him what did you do today, what did you eat, what did you play, who are your friends, rather than your son having the burden of carrying on a conversation asking his Dad questions or spontaneously coming up with information to share with his dad. The burden to carry on the conversation is on his Dad and should be about his Dad getting to know him. Just like you probably ask your son how his day was and don't burden him with your personal issues or tell him in detail about what you did at work. It's just not a 3 year old's job.
As for you taking his Daddy away, it doesn't mean someone feed him this information it may be something he pieced together: an explanation that makes sense in his own head. He may have overheard you say something as simple as you initiated the divorce (I don't know if this is true for you) and taken that to mean you took his Dad away. Or it could be his explanation of the fact that the two of you moved from the house you used to share with your ex....ie. he believes you left and took him with you. In a lot of ways telling him Daddy misses you and Daddy wants to see you may only exacerbate his interpretation of the situation as you left and you are depriving him of his Daddy. I also worry that saying Daddy misses you, with your ex crying on the phone, may create a sense of guilt for him. As in his Dad is sad and his Dad misses him, and he is the one who is far away. I would stick with "Daddy loves you" and "Daddy is excited to talk to you".
I wish you a lot of luck with this, it is a crummy situation to be in and I don't know there is a right way to do it. It's good that you have the advice and help of a professional counselor.
That is what I got out of this too, that he misses having a dad. My son is the only child at daycare with a single parent. There are plenty of divorced couples but all he sees is mommy picks up and daddy drops off. I really had a hard time trying to decided the right choice. I also felt like any choice I made would be the wrong choice. I also don't see myself finding a replacement anytime soon and he hasn't clicked with any of the guys I've dated and I haven't brought many around him. I'm really hoping more than anything else, that this doesn't back fire in a major way by introducing him to his dad.
I'm really torn on this and have been pondering how to reply since you posted originially. My DS's biodad was MIA from the time my DS was 2 weeks old. He ALWAYS knew where I lived and my phone number has never changed in the last 8 years. The last time I talked to him (DS was about a month old) I told him that I would never stand in his way of a relationship with DS but he would need to pursue it, as I would not be the one forcing him to man up. He never ever ever ever pursued a relationship with DS and when I married XH, he was quick to sign off his rights to get out of child support.
I cannot wrap my head around someone who could have a little person out in the world and not wonder about them....what they look like, what they are interested in, what their voice sounds like. So on one hand, I am annoyed that your XH wouldn't take the time out of his life to try to pursue a relationship with your DS out of his own heart, not your attempts, kwim?
DS wasn't as interested in his dad as your DS is, but he did ask occassionally. Lucky for me (?) I have a non-existant dad, as do some of my friend's kids, so we would talk about different types of families, some without dads, so he never felt "weird" about it.
On the other hand, I can see why you are trying to facilitate a relationship for your DS because having a dad is a big deal. I guess I hope that your XH can do the right thing and build a health relationship with your DS and not bail again.
I'm cautiously optimistic for you guys!!
I think/hope as he gets older he may be able to pinpoint his emotions better and be more effective at coming to terms with them. It's great that you have him in therapy for exactly this reason.
Every kid will have something in their life that feels missing to them. It's just how it is. Even though his Dad may not be as present as other Dads, you all live with extended family and he gets to see his grandparents every day. That's something I didn't have as a kid that I am jealous of. It's something I imagine a lot of other kids don't have. Hopefully as he gets older he'll be able to not only come to terms with whatever relationship he has with his Dad but also see the things he has that other people don't. For example, the fact that you are a single Mom and he is an only child right now means he probably gets a lot more attention from you and has a closer relationship with you than a lot of kids. You aren't cheating him of anything, he's getting his love and support in different ways and from different people than the other kids he sees. He's just really young to understand that.
I hope his Dad can learn to focus on him and live up to the responsibility of being a Dad. Your son will turn out fine either way and will know he is loved either way, but it would be great for him to have a good relationship with his Dad.
So am I. For the first year of DS' life I felt like I was chasing behind XH with the baby saying "Take DS, spend time with DS, make DS a priority". After he chose women over DS, I stopped because obviously he wasn't a priority to him. When I stopped, XH stopped. That is why we haven't heard from him since. I'm trying to give him a chance but I still have my guard up for DS. He can't protect himself but I can sheild as much of the bad stuff as I can.
I really just ran out of answers for him and he wants so badly to say I have a dad too.
My heart breaks for your little guy! I really do hope XH can be the person your DS needs him to be.
I also know that in my case, my DS will eventually want more information on his biodad and I won't have answers for him. I don't have any idea why biodad didn't want to be a part of his life. I'm adopted, so I get the wanting to know about where you came from and having questions that you want answered.