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Am I taking it the wrong way?
My guy and I are getting married in July. Since announcing our engagement my future MIL has been increasingly difficult to be around. After we started planning and chose an officiant she told my mom "I really with they were getting married in a church." None of her business, right? And she certaintly shouldn't be going to my mom to discuss this. Talk to your husband, your son even... why my mom?
In the most recent conversation with her she said "You guys getting married is hard on me, you know, it's really hard." I said, "Sure I can understand letting go of your son is difficult" and she sort of snapped back at me "Well, he's always going to be my little boy!" Did I mention he's 29 years old?? Then she proceeds to say "All these couples that bicker all the time... why get married in the first place?" Better question is, why are you saying this to me 3 months before our wedding? I don't even know where it came from, I wasn't talking about a spat with my fiance - I certainly know better then to tell her about it! The whole time we were talking she wouldn't look my in the eye, she stared out the window for the whole 15-20 minutes we were talking.
In this same conversation she tells me for maybe the 50th time this year, referring to my fiance, "I wish he would talk to me more..." This has been going on for years ("I wish he would call more" "I know you two are busy but we'd love to see you" "I'm his Mother, you know.") Bear in mind, these comments are directed at me when my fiance isn't around.
This started about 10 years ago (yes, we've been together that long and she still takes issue with us) and I usually blew it off and ignored her. But now that we're getting married I'm taking it more personal. She's always called me the wrong names (i.e. women in the family that she's made clear she's not fond of). She used to call me when she couldn't get a hold of him (i.e. he ignored her calls because she's a pain) - she would say to me "I just want to talk to my son... I'm his mother." Like I'm his keeper. Fortunately my guy stepped in on these issues and asked her to stop. She stopped calling me but still "accidentally" messes up my name from time to time.
My guy is going on 30 and she seems resistant to him growing up. He hasn't lived at home for years, graduated college, has a FT job. But I feel I'm getting blamed for the reality of it - he's an adult, he's happy with me, and we're starting a life together. And most importantly, there are aspects of our life/relationship that are really none of her business. But why am I the scapegoat?
Basically I think it's inappropriate to talk to me about this stuff, specifically the fact that your son is getting married is hard on you. Did she forget I'm the one he's marrying? And I'm starting to think she questions the role I play in their relationship... does she think I'm a wedge? Given that's she's so sensitive, is it worth addressing or should I just go with the flow?
Re: Am I taking it the wrong way?
Why do you talk to her so much?
Has your FI talked to her about calling you the other names?
I think she knows she's getting under your skin, and she'll probably keep doing it unless you and your FI give her reason to stop.
I talk to her because no one else does, her husband, her son - they kind of ignore her because she's wacky! I always made it a point to include her conversations, listen to her even if it's mindless babbling. But I feel like a butthead now - like this is what I get for trying to be nice to you when no one else is.
Plus everytime we see them my fiance and his dad have some project to work on and I'm left to entertain her/take a verbal beating.
And yes, he talked to her about the names. She said "Oh it just comes out. I don't mean it." She gets away with it because it's under the guise of being a simpleton. She's impossible.
You're 10 years in and it's just NOW bothering you?
THe fact that you talk to her because "no one else does" tells me that some of this is also about you trying to be the "good" (future) DIL. Why? If you don't really enjoy her company, why try to force a friendship w/ someone who you're probably never really going to be friends with? Be civil and polite, but you don't need to be buddies.
Your DH is going to work on a project w/ his dad? If it's at their house, don't go. If it's at your house, be out/ busy. It's not your job to entertain her.
You even call it "a verbal beating" - really? you want to subject yourself to that?
Your FI does seem to tackle some of the issues, which is fine. He could probably do more, though, to make sure she doesn't "get away with it" (whatever the issue at hand is).
But this isn't all about him. Stop putting yourself in situations where you KNOW you're going to see her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Two other comments:
1- on the name thing, are you SURE it's intentional? MIL calls DH by either his dads or brothers name all the time. She does it to all 3 of them. People DO slip up w/ names!
2- while I would never say "he'll always me my little boy!" in the way she did (it DOES sound like she has "letting go" issues), at the same time- he will always be her child. Doesn't matter how old he is - she will always love him the way a mother loves a child. She will always think of him, she'll always worry about him, etc. His being adult will never, ever change that. He doesn't stop being "her child".
Again, she sounds whacky about it, but just realize that a parent never stops being a parent!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's always bothered me I just took it in stride. What's upsetting me now is that we're getting married and I genuinely don't think she's happy for us. But either way, you're right, I shouldn't be surprised. She's not a happy person, in fact, she seems miserable every time we're around.
I think I've taken on the role of being her sounding board for so long and I pick up right where I left off every time I see her.
I'm doing what you said from now on, not going when he's got something to do with his dad - just limiting my exposure to her. I know it's going to hurt their feelings (both parents are very sensitive and like having us both around) but that's the way it has to be.
Thanks for the advive, it's nice to have an outsiders perspective on things.
She keeps doing this to you because you keep going back for more.
Follow your FI's lead and ignore her.
I just have to comment on this -- I don't post much, but I lurk a lot on this board (mainly to get advice for my own crazy IL's). This is so similar to what I dealt with when my H and I were getting married. I can tell you right now, it won't get any easier once you do get married.
My ILs, mostly MIL, acted the same way after DH and I got engaged. I've known this woman for almost 20 years (H and I grew up in the same town and were good friends in HS, but didn't date until after college). Since DH is an only child, I tried to involve her in the wedding planning (not financially, but with colors and things that I wanted other peoples opinions on). Instead of being helpful, she turned into a beast... She made everything about her, was upset because she wasn't as involved in planning the shower (which my mother planned and paid for 100%), screamed at DH if he didn't jump when she told him to, hung up on him if he didn't do what she wanted, acted depressed because life was so difficult for her to watch her son get married (her own words), even compared DH getting married to him dying. She's even said very mean things about my family, my parents, etc., to me, when they've never done anything to her. She's dramatic and toxic.. and FIL is just as toxic in his own way. There came a point when we decided that we needed to cut back on visiting and calling and steer clear.
Anyway, didn't mean to blab about my IL issues, but my point is, don't try to force a relationship that isn't there. I tried and it backfired on me. Be polite and civil, for the sake of your H and your own sanity, but my advice would be to see her less and talk to her less. If she brings up you guys not being around, tell her something like, "We've been busy so it's hard for us to call" or something of the sort. You can't please her and the more you try to visit or call, the more she will complain that your FI isn't around enough or never calls enough. It will only get worse (I speak from personal experience... we tried it and learned the hard way that it doesn't work to visit or call more). You and your FI need to concentrate on your relationship first. Hope this helps and sorry you have to deal with this!
(edited to reduce length)
I was so where you are when my Husband and I got married, and I am sooo sorry you are there. My MIL is also pretty crazy she did a lot of the same things you have discribed. I eventually stopped going to my IL's house except for holidays because it had gotten so bad. My MIL had gotten so bitter over our weddding and the plans (trying a lot to make it about what she wants), and also calling me names to friends and it would get back to me, or she'd call to apologize about it, and I wouldn't know what she was talking about.
Anyways, it all came to a big fight and my husband and I didn't talk to his parents for at least 6 months, and lets just say there are somethings that I will never forgive.
So for you, you should try make yourself less available. If the conversations have already been have and they haven't worked (i know mine didn't) than that's that. Maybe she's got to learn her leason the hard way. It's sad when the IL's just can't accept the new member of the family, for whatever reason.
The lines seem to be blurred in this post. Either this is due to too many conversations within the past month, or this is 10 years of pent up frustration in one post. Either way, you need to back off communicating with your FMIL, this isn't your "place." I'm sure your trying to stay in her good graces, but being too close to MILs and a son who is distant, you will look like the bad guy keeping her baby away from her.
Getting married isn't easy for any parent who is "officially" letting go of their child. Even my mother had a hard time the night before my wedding, and I'm a girl. Of course you don't understand how emotionally hard it is though, until your a parent yourself.
Who cares if she doesn't have your blessings with the marriage? Does your husband want to get married, and do you want to? That that is all that matters. Of course having people happy for your wedding is ideal, but its not necessary.
And FYI, this isn't the last of the familial issues in your marriage, marriage is a forever commitment.
it seems like your fi is on the same page with you on some of these issues and that's good-but i think a 'call your mom she's driving me nuts' convo is in order. he knows how she is. she's HIS mother, not yours. He needs to step up and talk to her so you dont get the brunt of her wackyness.
My situation with my MIL never got this bad (luckily she's not too disturbed) but when we first started planning our wedding she also made a couple of nasty, completely uncalled for, remarks. I'm sure she'll never forget them because we turned our back on her that very instant. (to be fair, MH talked to her at first to figure out what the problem was but instead, she insisted with the insanity). Like you, we'd been together a boat load of years, 13 and a half when we got engaged, so we were shocked to witness such behaviour from her. From your post it sounds like you're trying to have a normal relationship (for too long, IMO) but by now it's almost guaranteed that you're not going to succeed. What you can do is to avoid her when she acts immature, hopefully that will teach her that she either steps up to a normal level of communication, or there will be none. The way we reacted to my MIL's immature attitude made it very clear that she was to behave like a NORMAL person, or we (her son, mostly) weren't going to be available for her. This isn't a matter of mere come-back or spite, it's a matter of valuing adult-like relationships. No childish drama from adults, please. In our case it worked, I hope you two can solve this too.
edited for typos
You reap what you sow...
Everyone ignores her because she's rude and self-centered. I would do the same. Stop feeling sorry for her and realize that you're just playing into her mentally ill game.
If you can't take part in activities with the boys when he goes over there, don't go. Take up an activity that takes up that time (oh sorry MIL, I've got yoga class/mommies and babies swim class/volunteering at the soup kitchen/bible study/homework).
Start politely distancing yourself.
I understand where you are coming from. I have only been married for 5 months. DH and I dated for 4 1/2 years before we got married. MIL was a terror the entire time. After we got married she hit a whole new level of evil. She acts like I took her son from her, but in reality, he escaped and does not want to see her. Now she ignores everything I say to her (not that we really ever had a serious talk). There has been no argument and I have tried to be friendly. Maybe your FMIL is like my MIL and just wants to be angry. Hope it gets better for you.