Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Planning for MIL's funeral. Help?
MIL has been in the hospital for the last couple of months with liver disease. I got a call from DH a little while ago that isn't sounding promising. She might not have more than a few weeks, maybe months, but I doubt it. I'm not close to her, and I know DH will be a mess when this happens, so I'm trying to start getting rough ideas as to what we have to do when she passes.
He's an only child, she's divorced. She doesn't own property or a vehicle, so hopefully that part will go smoothly. I guess we'll have to get a lawyer to handle what little she does have, and her debt, right?
Next is the funeral itself. One of my friends is from a family who runs funeral homes locally, so I know who we would use. The cost is freaking me out. I don't know if she has any life insurance, and she only has maybe $2k in the bank. She "retired" on disability several years ago.
Then the little details, like, do we have to host something after the funeral? At a restaurant? We can't do anything at our house, it's just too small.
Re: Planning for MIL's funeral. Help?
You might consider going to the funeral home now so that you are better able to plan. Yes, it sounds morbid, but some people need to know, especially how to handle the finances. The funeral home will tell you how to host things at a lower cost - especially if they are a friend of MILs. Also, although it is only a couple of hundred dollars (and not enough to plan a big funeral), I think social security pays a death / burial benefit.
You don't have to host at a restaurant. Is there a VFW hall, Knights of Columbus or Elks club in your area? Sometimes they have spaces where you can bring your own food and cut down on costs that way. Just bring some ready-to-heat lasagna platters or something similar. Again, this is where planning in advance will help you, so you are not running around last minute trying to get prices and arrange to cook, etc.
When my grandma died, she had LOTS of family, but we still had the gathering at her house. It really was for family only. And some people will send over food to your house - we ate ham for several weeks after grandma passed.
If money is very tight:
You can opt to directly cremate with no embalming (no viewing) and scatter her ashes somewhere she loves or get a crypt and entomb her cremains.
That's the cheapest route. That may cost about 5 grand.
You can have a DIY memorial service afterwards, in the setting/place you choose.
You can take a very small group of people to a diner or restaurant for a repast luncehon.
Call around; cremation is pretty cheap most places. If your mil belongs to a church they will do a service there for low cost,and the church ladies will do a lunch for you. Call Around now it is so much easier at this point.
Honestly, I would have your DH start with her. She may very well have planned for a funeral but you'd never know until you ask. If nothing has been pre-planned by her, then yes, absolutely start calling around and asking for assistance.
When I've had family members pass, the church typically provides lunch for funeral guests for a small fee/donation so that may cover you. (although when my Grandpa died, we let all the guests go first through the line and they ran out of food because they underestimated the amount of extended family my Grandma has! All of my aunts, uncles and cousins ended up going out for lunch after anyways because we were all sitting there with grumbling tummies.)
I agree your dh should ask her if she had desires about how her funeral would be handled. If she belonged to a church (or you guys do) you can typically host a meal in the fellowship hall after the memorial service/burial.
cremation is less than $1k. The funeral home can walk you through all the details/expenses. Spiritual care at the hospital can also help you with it.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
Direct cremation with an urn is about $1K if you prearrange it.
http://www.nationalcremation.com/
You can do a memorial service at a church after. If you have a church home they may do a luncheon at their fellowship hall for a donation to cover costs.
I second the others on both checking with your MIL first as well as seeing what your options are if you are religious (in terms of using fellowship halls, etc as a reception). I've definitely seen fellowship halls used, and several people I've known with terminal illness have already made some plan of how they would like things to be carried out.
A lot of people mentioned Elk lodges, etc. I also wanted to note that checking out your options with your local Parks and Rec department may be a great idea - you can often rent out community/meeting rooms (some with kitchens attached) at a much cheaper cost that reserving a restaurant or hotel reception area for any sort of post service reception
And remember, no man is an island, and this is not a time where you need to handle everything yourself. Assuming you have friends or family close by, they may offer help. Take it. Ask them if it would be alright if they could provide a potluck dish for the reception, help with set up and tear down, etc. The church friends of my uncle's mother all provided meals for a humble and tasteful post service potluck meal so that the family would have less to worry about, and I know they really appreciated it.
I know there is nothing really comforting to say about the situation, but I wish you the best through this process.
I am sorry to hear about your MIL. I worked in hospice so I would suggest talking about these things now- while she can give you her input and you an do what SHE wants not what you feel pressured into doing.
There are ways of not spending a ton for a funeral. Cremation is a way- and by no way should you pay 5 grand for that.... I know you mentioned using a family friend's funeral home- but if the funds are not there then look directly into cremation- where I am from there is a "Cremation Society". They come and pick up the remains and take them directly to the crematorium this is much cheaper- most costs that i saw with our patients were under $500. Not all funeral homes have a crematorium- so this is how the cost gets higher since they are the middle man - and I feel the funeral industry takes advantage of the grieving family.
Yes there is a death benefit- I am not sure of the amount- it has been 2 years since I worked in hospice- but I believe it is under $300.
You an always have any gathering at your or MIL's home- we did this with my MIL's memorial (she was cremated and her cremains were buried following the Catholic belief) it was respectful and nice.
Hi there, I am a lurking but I wanted to offer some input. I am a hospice social worker and my husband is a funeral director (morbib family, I know...) You really need to talk with her MIL about what her wishes are. As PP said, she may have already taken care of everything. If there is no life insurance then direct cremation is a good option. There may be a cremation society in your area and they are typically cheaper than a funeral home. You can also go the route of body donation. Most states have an antomical board BUT given her medical history, they may refuse to accept her donation. There is a national service called "MedCure" body donation (google it) who accepts anybody, regardless of medical history. About 6 weeks after death, they send you the cremains of your loved one for you to do whatever with. Its a great service, and it is free. I can understand that some people are completly against body donation, but this is a great learning tool and is great for people with no money for burial.
As far as a service, you guys can do whatever you feel fitting for her. I have had several people who have had informal services at the loved one's home or a park and then have something small to eat afterwards (people will usually bring food non-stop!)
You can get in touch with a local university who has a law program and see if one of the law students would be willing to help you with the legal questions (usually free of charge so they get experience) or look into free legal aid society in your state.
The most important thing to do right now is to support your husband and to be able to talk openly with his mother about her final wishes. Good luck!
Thanks for the advice everyone. Unfortunately, it was too late on my part. She ended up passing away last Friday morning. It's been a long week.
The services cost us around $6500. We were able to pay half on the day of the funeral. Luckily DH had been taking some money out of her account over the last month or two (at her request, and he was already authorized to her account). We transferred money from savings, too.
We found some paperwork that indicated there might be basic life insurance, so DH called the benefits company. They are researching it and will get back to us within a week or so. Keeping our fingers crossed.